Then she’d have to keep seeing me until I did, or her Minnesota side-trip thing would be for nothing.
It was a flimsy plan. And if it worked, it wouldn’t buy me much, just a couple of weeks or a couple more dates. But maybe it would be enough. It had to be. So I couldn’t kiss her. But God, I fucking wanted to.
It was funny that two pivotal moments in my life were happening at the exact same time and at complete odds with each other. I didn’t know how to balance what was going on with my family and what was going on with my feelings for Emma.
I had four more weeks to convince her not to go, and I had to deal with the fallout of Mom leaving at the same time. I didn’t know if I could be spread that thin, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and still give enough of myself to get any of it right.
My siblings would need me. Chelsea had no idea what was going on. That was either going to make this easier or a lot harder in the long run. Mom had been telling her for a few weeks that she was going on a trip, but now that it was happening, nobody knew how Chelsea was going to take it.
Alex was sad but trying to be stoic. Sarah was angrier than usual, and I was just taking things one minute at a time. That’s all I could do.
When it was time for Mom to go, Leigh hung back in the doorway while Mom walked around the table giving her kids hugs.
Chelsea was the hardest goodbye.
“Baby, can I talk to you for a second?” Mom picked her up.
We all watched Mom explain that she was going away for a while and she was going to miss her but that Justin was going to be here to take care of her.
“Are you going to come back fir my birfday?” Chelsea asked.
This is when everyone lost it. Alex let out a muffled cry over his plate and Sarah got up and ran to her room. I had to turn my head.
“No, baby,” Mom said. “But Justin and Leigh are going to make sure you have the best fifth birthday ever, okay? And you can talk to me on the phone and send me pictures and drawings and come see me once in a while.”
My sister nodded and then started to wiggle to be put down.
Mom kissed her one more time, fighting tears, and set her on the floor, where she ran off to go watch her cartoons.
Then Leigh and I walked Mom out to the driveway. Mom stood by the door of Leigh’s Jeep, wiping under her eyes. “Give Alex the van when he gets his license.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
She looked at me with the most shattered expression I’d ever seen. “Justin, I’m so sorry.”
I had to muscle down the knot in my throat. “I know.”
Her chin quivered. “Please take good care of them.”
I brought her in and hugged her. “I will. I’ll take good care of them.” I paused. “You showed me how.”
This broke her. She sobbed and I just held her, feeling helpless. She felt so small. She was always small, a foot shorter than me. But now she felt shrunken. Defeated.
Life had chipped away at her. Filled her cracks with ice. And I just wished I’d recognized what was happening to her before it was too late.
When she got in the car and drove off with Leigh, I wasn’t sad. I was angry again, but not at Mom. This time I was angry at the world. The judge who gave her such a long sentence. The manufacturer of the airbag that didn’t save my dad, the friends who didn’t stop the drunk driver from getting in the car—I was even mad at the nonprofit that didn’t notice money was missing until it was so much it meant this. And I was angry at the timing. Of all of it. Because none of it was fair and I knew deep down what it meant.
I would lose Emma to this.
It was early and it was new between us, but everything in me was shouting that she was important. But I also knew I couldn’t make it work now. Not with my life like this. I felt selfish for wishing she would stay, meet me where I was, in the rubble that was my family.
I don’t know how she felt about me taking the kids, but she didn’t show a lot of interest in getting to know my people, so I didn’t think it was a selling point. They meant I couldn’t follow her, and if her nomadic history was any indication, she wouldn’t stay. And how could I even rationalize asking her to when even I didn’t want to be here?
What did I have to offer her? I had nothing but baggage. Emotionally damaged, traumatized children that had been catapulted from one tragedy to the next, and me, barely keeping my head above water. Would I even have the time or the bandwidth to be any kind of partner while I was helping my siblings navigate this situation? What was the point in even hoping for anything to be different between Emma and me? To what? Pull her from her glamorous jet-setting life to ground her with me in this fucking mess? I’d feel like apologizing every day. There was no way I could ever be worth it.
Four dates. One kiss. And a breakup.
That’s all this would be. And that made me the angriest of all. Because I knew in my gut that’s not what this was supposed to be.
I sat on the asphalt and put my face in my hands. And I didn’t care who drove by and saw me sitting there. The weight of the whole world had just dropped onto my back. A million new responsibilities while I grieved the loss of yet another parent and the inevitable end of the only relationship that I’d ever given a shit about.
The house loomed in front of me. The birdbath and new pavers and the flower beds Mom had bought with her ill-gotten gains. The perennials she’d planted that I had no idea how to take care of. The lawn, the gutters, the snow in the winter. The wobbly fence and the loose door handle on the garage. The broken parts and the broken people inside. All mine, all at once.
It was overwhelming. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Is this how Mom felt when Dad died? Only with a new baby too? This house, like an island, and her, responsible for everyone on it?
At some point Benny and Brad pulled up. And then they were in the driveway with me. I don’t know how long we sat there, not saying a word. I didn’t really have to say anything. They both knew me well enough.
“How the hell do I do this?” I whispered.
Brad answered. “You go through it. You can’t go around it, you have to go through it. And we’re here to help you do it.”
We all three sat there, staring at the house. Brad wiped at his eyes. He was crying too. Mom was his aunt the same way Leigh was mine. This nightmare was everyone’s. An atomic bomb. It affected anyone close enough to be in the blast zone.
After a few minutes Brad got up. “Let’s go. Get you guys out of here. You too.”
I looked up at him. “What?”
