I shuddered a little thinking about that time. I didn’t usually dredge up those memories. Of everything, the trash bags were somehow the worst part. They were so dehumanizing. It made me feel disposable. When I finally had my own money, I bought the most expensive set of luggage I could afford. It was the one thing I never skimped on, the one thing that would always be with me, no matter where I ended up. And every year I bought bags to donate to kids in foster care.
Not everything that comes out of crisis is bad. Sometimes your traumas are the reason you know how to help.
It occurred to me that’s why I knew what to say and do now. I guess I had Mom to thank.
“The trick is not letting anyone see you care about anything mean they might say,” I said. “Don’t react. Don’t let them see you cry. They’ll get bored when they don’t get the reaction they want.” I wiped the comb. “And lean on your friends. It helps.”
Justin popped into the doorway. “Hey, how’s it going in here?”
“Good,” I said. “Making progress.”
“I just finished Alex,” he said. “Want me to take over?”
“I want Emma to do it,” Sarah said quickly.
He put his hands up. “Okay.”
His hair was tousled. “No lice.” He pointed at it. “Leigh checked me.”
“Good. Did you check her?”
He paused for a second. Then he disappeared back out the door. I smiled after him. Then I saw how big I was grinning in the mirror and had to make a conscious effort to make my face straight.
Sarah was watching me. “My brother really likes you, I think.”
The corner of my lip turned up again. “Oh yeah?”
She nodded. “Yeah. He, like, never talks about girls and he talks about you all the time.”
“What does he say?”
“Emma this and Emma that. Blah blah blah.”
I laughed.
“Do you like him?” she asked.
“Yeah, of course I do.”
“Why?”
“He’s funny, for one. He’s smart. And handsome—”
“Gross,” she said.
“He is. Sorry, it’s just true.”
She wrinkled her nose.
“I also think he’s a really good person,” I continued. “I like that he’s taking care of you guys.”
She stared at me through the mirror. Then I nodded at the bag from Sally Beauty on the sink.
“I got you something you might like,” I said. “Grab that.”
She leaned over and picked it up. I watched her face change instantly the second she saw what it was. Her head shot up. “Hair dye?!” She beamed.
“Yup. I made Justin stop at the beauty supply store on the way over. I already asked your brother, he said it’s okay. When we’re done with this, you can pick a color.”
I’d bought the rainbow. Red, orange, green, blue, and purple.
“The time I got lice, one of the older girls staying in the foster home got me hair dye—stole me hair dye. I’m pretty sure she didn’t buy it,” I said. “Anyway, I just remembered it turning the whole day around for me. I was so upset and the instant I found out I got to have pink hair at school the next morning, it changed everything. Reframed the memory into something good.”
Sarah was practically bouncing. “I can’t believe he said yes. Mom never lets me do anything. She won’t even let me get my ears pierced.”
“Well, it’s a new regime,” I said, parting her hair again. “We could do two colors if you want. It’s semi-permanent, so it’ll only last a few weeks.”
“I want the purple and blue! Josie’s gonna be so jealous. Her mom let her get a henna tattoo and she was bragging about it for forever.”
I smiled.
She lined the bottles up on the sink and looked happily at them.
In that moment, maybe for the first time ever for me, she looked like a little girl. She was a little girl. I recognized the mask Sarah wore for what it was.
It was easier to pretend to be angry and tough than to admit to being devastated and heartbroken. And by the practiced way she wielded attitude, she’d been devastated and heartbroken for a long time.
Justin’s family had been through so much trauma. They had so many cracks.
