One half of the line of men fell in a blurred, tumbled heap. The winners cheered, but none of it registered or made sense to Grace. They could have been dancing for all she cared, her mind was elsewhere, in a quagmire of confused feelings and pain.
‘I don’t know what I feel any more. Angry. Betrayed. Worthless.’
‘Not worthless. You have a right to the other feelings, but not that one.’
‘My father raped my mother.’
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t know who I am any more.’
‘You are the same person you were before you found out.’
‘But I’m not. I feel different . . . Do I call him Daniel or Father?’
‘Don’t take the name Father away from him. Punish me for not telling you if you have to—’
‘It was not your secret to tell.’
‘But don’t punish the man who’s loved you like his own from the first day he held you.’
‘How can he? I remind him of . . . I must remind mother of . . . him. How could she bear to have me?’
Molly looked towards the blue haze of the horizon. ‘I was a child at the time. I’ve learnt since that at first she couldn’t, but then she felt you move inside her and her feelings towards you changed. She came to believe that you were a fighter and wanted to live and she realised she wanted that too.’ Molly reached for her hand. This time Grace did not have the heart to pull away. ‘I was there when you were born. No one thought you would survive the birth.’ She looked at Grace’s hand in hers. ‘But you proved us all wrong, Grace.’ She held it firmly for a brief moment. ‘So it hurts that you have left us now.’
‘I’m not strong enough to face the villagers and the workers.’
‘You’re as strong as your mother and she has had to.’
It hadn’t crossed Grace’s mind that her mother had to face everyone knowing about her own violation.
‘I’m sorry she’s had to.’
‘It’s not your fault that Miss Petherbridge spread her poison. I have no doubt that some villagers will live on the gossip for several months to come. It wasn’t easy for your mother to step out for the first time. She could see in their faces that people were unsure how to speak to her or how to behave towards her now they knew the truth. However, she made herself walk into the village and she’s visited the dairy workers every day since. She had to behave normally, we all had to, and time will eventually fade their memories. Your mother has faith that they will see her for who she is, Janey Kellow, not for what was done to her.’
‘Whereas I ran away . . . If I had already known I would have been prepared. But to discover that my whole life was a lie—’
‘Your whole life was not a lie.’
‘Everything I thought about myself is not true. I thought my father loved me.’
Her aunt’s hold tightened painfully. ‘Daniel does love you and he is your father. He provided for you, he cared for you, he protected you. He loved you and still does. Before you were born he promised your mother that he would care for you as if you were his own, that she would see no difference in his treatment of you from his own blood kin. He kept his word, but not because he had made the promise to your mother, but because he quickly grew to love you as if you were his own.’ Molly tilted Grace’s chin so she had to look at her. ‘You have always known that I’m not your aunt by blood, but you have always called me that and have loved me no less. It’s not always blood that forms the strongest bonds.’ She stroked Grace’s short hair, before letting her hand fall away. ‘Cutting your hair cannot change the past, Grace.’ Her aunt released her hand and smiled, tilting her head to one side to view her short style. ‘The style is unusual, but it suits you. However, your hair is too beautiful to stay short. Let it grow and enjoy how it enhances your beauty.’
‘I wish they’d told me earlier. To learn that my brother and sisters knew and I did not made the discovery more painful.’
‘I’m sorry. Edna let the secret slip as she lay dying. At the time your parents were unsure what to do and talked about it for many hours. They decided to tell you and found you in the meadow. Your mother told me later that you came strolling through the wild flowers towards them, smiling. You were happy and they didn’t want to hurt you so instead of telling you, they swore your sister to secrecy. Over the years they have doubted their decision many times. But when is the right time to sit someone down and tell them they were the result of a rape? After their tenth birthday? After their fourteenth? So the years went by and you grew up to be a fine young woman. We’ll never know how the truth may have affected you. Would you have grown up seeing double meanings in every word of love expressed, every hug and every reprimand? Would you be the strong woman you are now or an embittered one? Would you have felt loved or felt a burden? We can’t turn back time. Your parents did what they did because they loved you deeply. They didn’t want the world to know of the heavy burden they carried and, more importantly, they didn’t want you to carry it too.’
They sat in silence for some moments listening to the beat of a drum as it grew louder. Some of the villagers had begun to dance again, snaking and circling as they followed a young man holding branches in the air.
‘Your father wants you to know that he has given Mrs Smyth a job in the dairy. She is a good worker and fast learner.’
Grace was both pleased and sad to hear it. Pleased that the widow would now be able to provide for her family, sad that she was not there to see it.
‘What are the people around here like?’ asked Molly.
Grace watched the celebrating villagers through unshed tears. ‘The ones I’ve met seem nice.’
‘And Mr Danning and his sister?’ Grace realised Molly was looking into the distance. She followed her gaze and saw that Talek had entered the field and was looking at his workers.
‘Amelia is lovely. Talek is an acquired taste.’
‘He seemed very nice when he called on us. He was also very helpful when I arrived unannounced.’
‘I’m glad to hear it.’
Molly frowned and looked at her. ‘Do I sense some tension?’
‘Nothing that you need to concern yourself with.’
‘Come home, Grace. We want you home.’
‘No.’ Grace smiled to soften her reply. ‘I have employment here. It is doing me good to have a new life away from Kellow Dairy. I’ve never truly known if people respect me for who I am or because of the Kellow name. Here no one knows me. If I’m shown any respect it is because I’ve earned it.’
‘You think we were wrong to not tell you the truth sooner.’
A flood of tears welled in Grace’s throat, threatening to rise up and spill forth all the hurt she felt inside. She nodded stiffly and swallowed it down.
‘Sometimes keeping the truth from someone is the kindest course of action and inflicts the least pain.’
