Yarrow stood beside Theo, their arms crossed and a knowing smile on their face. Ace sat next to Zander, so close their arms touched.
“Now the thing you need to understand about Jules Moreau is he’s terrified of birds. Apparently, he was attacked by a buzzard as a child and developed an intense fear of anything with wings. As the locals tell it, he had nets strung over all the interior courtyards of his home to prevent birds from landing. But when the birds started using the nets to roost, he became convinced the birds were stalking him. So, more nets went up, and more, and soon every bird within ten leagues was perching on his castle, as if he’d placed the ropes there as an invitation to roost. Eventually, he stopped going out altogether, only venturing outside on the rare occasion his father summoned him and he was forced to leave his seaside fortress behind.
“Well, as luck would have it, we were docked in Marseille on one such occasion. We had the pleasure of meeting Jules Moreau’s very drunk coachman the day before the meeting, a stroke of destiny, as he told us not only of Jules’ utter disdain for birds, his father, and all things bureaucratic, but also of the priceless ruby he kept on display in his dining room as a show of power to his guests. Thus, a spontaneous plan was hatched.
“The next morning, we waited until Jules’ carriages left. We knew from the coachmen that most of his small staff would be attending him, leaving only a few behind to guard his home. Once the carriages were out of sight, Ace and Yarrow scaled the South part of the wall, using the layers of nets scattered about the building to climb, every fiber they grasped covered in bird shit and feathers, coating their hands in slippery refuse as they struggled to hold on. The sharp rocks below threatened to catch their fall, ushering them into the great beyond if they so much as lost their footing.”
Yarrow rolled their eyes beside Theo, their smile indicating the climb was not quite as dramatic as he implied.
“Finally, their muscles burning, their bodies coated in the stinking muck that covered the tower from top to bottom, they reached the top of the netted fortress. Between them and the open courtyard at the center of the building lay thousands of bird nests, scattered like small traps with wings and claws. Yarrow and Ace tiptoed across the harrowing, shit-coated landscape, careful not to disturb the roosting birds. Having conquered the aviary obstacle course, they cut through the netting over the courtyard and used the rope to swing down to the bottom, landing on the grass below in a glorious shower of shit and feathers, one step closer to our prize. One step closer to the famed Moreau ruby that lay just inside, waiting to be taken by a couple of brave, daring pirates.”
“And where were you during all of this, oh Theo the Brave?” Ace asked, her voice teasing.
“I,” said Theo, bending dramatically at the waist, “was keeping watch.”
Some of the crew laughed behind Zander, and he chuckled along with them, happy to be in on what seemed to be a family legend.
“And it’s a good thing I was,” Theo said, raising his voice to be heard over the cackles of the crew, “because just then, a man came into sight. He was walking down the pathway toward the portcullis, an umbrella clutched in one hand as he rushed forward, the collar of his coat pulled up around his face as if to protect him. It was Jules! I had a choice to make. I could fire on him from where I stood, hidden among the bushes, and kill him on sight. But of course, that would bring unwanted attention on its own. Or I could distract him long enough to allow my companions to escape—the only escape being through a drainage tunnel that lay exposed during low tide, leading right out front to where I was standing.
“I had to think quick. Ace and Yarrow would be retreating any minute, and they would be in plain sight of the reclusive master of the castle. I jumped out from my hiding spot, approaching Jules with a story on my lips, meaning to stall him. ‘Sir!’ I said. ‘Please, sir! Allow me a moment of your time. I noticed your nets are in need of repair.’
“‘No, no, leave me alone,’ he said as he passed, hiding his face. His trousers were dirty, as if he’d been rolling around on the ground. I wondered where his carriages were, where his guards had gone. ‘Do you need help, sir?’ I asked. But no, he waved me off again and scurried forward, no doubt intending to summon the guards to open the portcullis and let him inside.
“I thought for sure we were done for. He’d see Ace and Yarrow, and so would the guards, and there was no time to warn them. I panicked. I was just about to wrap my arm around the man and pull him into the bushes for a quick death when I looked up, and I saw the most glorious thing there in the sky. Just behind Jules’ head was—”
“—the biggest Great Egret I’d ever seen!” came the mingled shouts of Bagu, Aled, and Santiago all at once, parroting what apparently was one of Theo’s most well-known lines.
Theo looked at the three sailors with playful chagrin. He waved his hand dismissively at the rest of the crew, most of whom were in stitches over the carefully timed outburst.
“Aye, you assholes,” Theo said. “The biggest Great Egret I’d ever seen.” He turned his attention to Zander again, his hands positioned in front of him like he was about to deliver the punchline. “It was then I knew what I had to do, mate. Before he could get by me, I grabbed Jules by the arm, screamed at him to ‘GET DOWN!’ I pulled out my pistol and—”
“Oy!” yelled Sean from the crowd and threw an empty bottle high up into the air.
Theo’s pistol was free from its holster in the blink of an eye.
“BANG!” Theo yelled, standing and firing off a single shot without looking, hitting the bottle and shattering it into thousands of pieces. The audience below covered their heads, cheering as pieces of glass rained down on them from above, but Theo didn’t miss a beat, never taking his eyes from Zander’s. “I shot the Great Egret from the sky. It landed with a thud on the ground, directly in front of Jules’ outstretched, shaking hands.
“He looked up at me then, his eyes filled with awe, and I simply holstered my weapon and held out my hand”—Theo held out his hand magnanimously in demonstration—“and said, ‘That bird was after you, mate. It’s a good thing I was here.’”
Zander lost it, snorting in laughter at Theo’s dramatic tone as he gazed down at him from above like a guardian angel. Ace was laughing too, and she leaned her shoulder against his briefly, as if to say, Wasn’t that great?
Theo sat again, smiling at the reaction of the crowd to his theatrics. “Anyway, I hauled poor Jules off the ground and turned his back to the fortress, then listened patiently as he spouted his desperate thanks for saving him from the monstrous bird. I kept him there long enough to learn he’d jumped from his carriage soon after they left, unwilling to face his father, who was rather cruel, come to find out. Poor Jules told me his whole life story as we stood there, the lifeless body of the Egret at our feet and Ace and Yarrow sneaking behind him, coated in mud and bird shit, a ruby the size of my fist clutched in Ace’s shit-covered hand.”
Theo held his fist up to show the size of the ruby, then paused to laugh at the image, his other hand outstretched and resting on Yarrow’s thigh in apology. Zander looked to Ace, and she nodded in confirmation that she had indeed once been covered from head to toe in mud and bird shit for the sake of the Moreau ruby.
“It was so hard not to laugh, mate,” Theo said, wiping a phantom tear from his eye.
Zander laughed again, shaking his head. “Poor Jules.”
“Ah, don’t worry about Jules,” Theo said, waving his hand. “His family got that jewel and everything else they had from the slave trade. The funniest thing”—Theo doubled over again, laughing—“the funniest thing was after we’d left, and Jules found his courtyard covered in feathers and nests that had fallen from the broken net.”
Ace was shaking with laughter beside Zander. He looked at her, and his heart squeezed at the way she reached out and grabbed his arm to steady herself amidst her hysterics.
“We could hear him scream from the deck of the ship,” she gasped between breaths.
“Oh no,” Zander said.
“Oh, yes,” Theo said. “Poor bastard probably thought the death of the egret brought a curse down on his head.”
Yarrow’s shoulders shook with laughter as well. They covered their face with their hand, as if they felt badly about laughing at Poor Jules and his fear of birds.
“You’re a wonderful storyteller, Theo,” Zander said.
“Don’t tell him that, it’ll only go to his head!” hollered George from across the deck.
“Ah, fuck off, George,” Theo hollered back. “Thank you, mate. It’s nice to have someone new to tell all these old stories to.”
“You ought to write them down,” Zander said. “Make a book.”
“Now that’s an idea,” Theo said.
Yarrow wrapped their arm around Theo’s neck, and he pulled them onto his lap for a kiss.
“You should write a book,” Yarrow told Theo. “We’ve more than enough adventures just between the two of us to fill a few.”
“Aye, and many more to come,” Theo said, and kissed them again.
“Mm hmm,” Yarrow murmured, standing. “Now go get the broom, my love. You’ve made a mess.”
