Why could I see two of Jay? Of Ru? Of whoever this guy was??!
Was I on my first date with…
No, I couldn’t be.
NOPE.
“Mol…” Jay put his hand on my knee.
THE NUMBER ONE SEXIEST FRINGE WEARER OF THE YEAR HAD HIS HAND ON MY KNEE.
I opened my mouth. And shut it.
Thank goodness on screen there were reindeer clattering through snow, cos I think I was making a malfunctioning noise.
“I’m sorry,” Jay mouthed. I blinked, and turned back to the screen.
BUT NO. Seeing the exact same face as the one next to me, but this time the size of my house, was not particularly calming.
He leant over. “Want to go outside for a minute?”
Outside? Sure. If he could pick me up and carry me. I couldn’t handle walking at a time like this?! But somehow I managed to edge out. I felt like I had a big flashing light on my head. LOOK, EVERYONE! I’M WITH JOSEPH D CHAMBERS. THE INSANELY HOT GUY ON SCREEN! AND YES, I ONCE WAS AN ELF.
No wonder he always wore so many hats and scarves! It wasn’t because he had a low body temperature – it was because he was intensely famous and didn’t want anyone to know!
I staggered into the foyer, Jay grabbing my hand and guiding me to the seats in front of the huge window overlooking Leicester Square. I stared at the people down below. How were they just walking about when MY WHOLE LIFE HAD FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN!
I plonked down on the bench, watching the usher do a double take at the person next to me. Jay flashed him a quick smile, with the ease of someone who did the same thing a million times a day. Of course. OF COURSE!
I’d really thought all those odd looks, those random waves, were because of me being Elf Girl.
WHAT AN ABSOLUTE WALLY! I couldn’t help but laugh.
“OK. Maybe not saying anything sooner wasn’t my greatest idea…” Jay fiddled with the Christmas badge he’d pinned on to his jumper. “I thought Billy had outed me when she said about riding that horse.” Wait. She meant a scene from the film? “Are you … angry?”
I didn’t know? So far, I’d only processed “shocked”.
“I’m…” But then I got it. Ah-ha! I looked around for a camera. “I’m on a prank show, aren’t I?” Yes, that made sense. “Is this Elijah’s work? Or Harry’s?”
“Sadly, no.” He sighed. “I can promise you this is one hundred per cent real. Now can you see why I had my doubts about your whole ‘Let’s go see Sleigh Another Day’ plan?” He shook his head and laughed.
“Well, I definitely know why the ticket guy gave us free snacks.” And that’s when I remembered Grace’s messages. I pulled my phone out. The words JOSEPH D CHAMBERS in capitals down my screen at least fifty times. “So…” But I had no idea what to say. What did you say to an A-list celebrity? “Erm…” I thought. And had nothing. “Sorry, I just don’t know what to say any more.”
“How about whatever it was you would have said before you found out what my job really was?” But back then, I thought he was normal, like me. He kicked the faded carpet. “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner. Once I figured out you didn’t recognize me.”
“Oh, I didn’t recognize you,” I said, still processing. Did he really think I’d have met WORLD’S SEXIEST FRINGE WEARER for a date wearing a Christmas pudding onesie?!
“Sorry, that sounded rough. Just, growing up with my parents has made me a bit, I dunno – not everyone’s as nice as they pretend to be, I guess.” He looked more stressed than me. “Anyway. Jay’s what my friends call me.”
“Jay. I told you I was an elf. You didn’t think maybe that could have been the time to mention you were a Hollywood film star?”
It was weird. What I’d loved about Ru was that he was one of the only people I felt comfortable chatting away with about stupid stuff. But now I knew who he really was, nothing I had to say felt good enough.
“You kinda made your feelings about ‘Joseph D Chambers’” – Jay cringed as he said it, although Mum would love his use of air quotes – “quite clear when we met.” Ah. I thought back. Maybe I had said he was a nightmare. And a terrible actor. “Trust me, it’s not exactly the best conversation starter.” But I was only half listening, my mind scrolling through all the things I’d said. Things that had happened. And the pieces that were slowly slotting together. Travelling with the film. Never wanting to meet when people were about. Not talking about his family. The box of film stuff!
“Oh my goodness, your parents…” Everyone knew his parents were Bry and Cate, the most iconic movie star couple. And he’d met my mum. In a camper van that played banjo carols. And my dad had lunged. “They sent your dog to the moon?!”
Ru raised an eyebrow.
“Nope, they sponsored some space research” – as you do?! – “and the project already had the same name as our dog. But that story wasn’t so good for the media.”
Was I really chatting about Cate and Bry like they were Mel and Jan from next door?
“Sorry, but your life is epic.”
“My life is … really not.” He half-smiled. I bet he thinks I’m really embarrassing. But I’d never met a celebrity until two weeks ago. “You’re the epic one. With your lyrics. The band. The fundraiser … the whole elf revelation.”
I stared out of the window. I needed a second to process everything. This was normal. This was totaaalllly normal.
Totally normal that the cinema opposite had a huge sign up. “This Christmas, Who Will End Up Under the Mistletoe, When the Crew Come to Sleigh Another Day?” And there he was. Ru. Joseph. Jay. The size of a bus, smouldering away in a way that could melt snow.
THIS WAS SO NOT NORMAL.
“I can’t believe I took you curling.” What was I thinking? And how much had I slated the film?!
But Ru didn’t laugh. He shifted his body to face me.
“The curling was awesome. And you are awesome. Please don’t let” – he nodded out at the poster – “my job, that’s all it is, change stuff.”
