“You could put it that way.”
A voice from the hall reached them, followed by its flabbergasted owner. “Hey, what have you two been up to?”
Without thinking, Ross Ed pointed at his smaller companion. “Wasn’t us. It was Jed.”
“Oh right, sure.” Tealeaf shrugged and smiled, irrepressible as ever. “No matter. It’s probably still under warranty. I get one every year when the new models come out.” She waved at a puff of smoke. “What were you watching?”
“Interstellar war.” Caroline didn’t smile. In the course of their unexpected insight she’d seen too many “special effects” blown to smithereens.
“Well, I hope your alien takes it easier on Maxy’s gear. The equipment professional musicians use these days costs a fortune.” Walking over, she put a friendly arm around his waist. “You’ve got a huge career ahead of you, Ross. You, and your clever dummy, and your friend, too, if she wants to be a part of this.”
“Sorry.” Caroline shook her head. “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll just watch.”
“Whatever you want, sweetie.” Tealeaf was clearly relieved that Caroline did not insist on participating. It would simplify contractual matters.
“Now then,” she continued, letting go of Ross Ed’s belt line, “everything’s set for Saturday at the Nosh Pit.”
His expression twisted. “Nosh Pit?”
“It’s a combo restaurant-club. Real popular, up on Sunset. Just down from Tower and the Whiskey. I know it seems that things are moving fast, but you’ll do fine. All you have to do is step out on stage, move around, speak or sing through your dummy, and have a good time. Maybe play a little harmonica. Your backup will be so loud nobody’ll notice any discomfort or problems anyway. Don’t worry about clothes. We’ll take care of that tomorrow.”
“You really think this will work?” he asked uneasily.
“Do I know what I’m doing or do I know what I’m doing?”
“I don’t know, Tealeaf. Do you know what you’re doing?”
“Always, bubalah. Remember, what matters is who your backup is, how you look, how much PR you’ve got fronting you, where you can get a gig, and what the reviews are like.” She winked. “Just remember that the people who are after you aren’t likely to look in the Nosh Pit. They’re probably all bouncing off themselves somewhere in the middle of Arizona. So you owe me one performance, anyway.”
“Shouldn’t I rehearse seriously with these musicians first?” he wondered.
“Why? They’re professionals. Just improvise and they’ll follow you. That’s their job. That’s what they get paid for.”
He made a face. “Somehow that doesn’t seem very honest.”
“Sweetie, we’re talking the music business here. Don’t worry about it. Let me do the worrying.” She smiled cheerily. “That’s what I get paid for.” Her attention shifted to the motionless body on the couch. “Now just for Auntie Tealeaf, make him say something. Go on, anything at all. I’m going to be too busy setting things up to watch you work.”
Ross Ed retreated until he was standing alongside his dead companion. “I don’t know what to say,” he said, immediately following which he heard himself declaiming through Jed, in his best alien voice, “You’re a scheming, conniving, ruthless, amoral example of your poor, benighted species who does absolutely nothing for anyone around you without the prospect of personal gain. You have no real, true friends, including the three recently departed so-called business associates.
“You think Gustav is a pompous ass who’s made millions foisting dreck on a gullible public, that Sophia is an overweight slob who doesn’t know her butt from a hole in the ground but happens to be the daughter-in-law of the head of one of the most powerful agencies in town, and Max is a drug-dealing slimeball who if he wasn’t working in the music business would be out cleaning high-school toilets while pandering meth to students on the side.
“None of which matters because you’re having the contracts drawn up so you can control everything and cheat everyone out of what you think is going to be the biggest novelty act to hit popular music since ‘Ahab the Arab’ was a number-one hit. You haven’t got an honest bone in your body, you dwindled your own brother out of his share of the family inheritance to get enough money to stan your business, and you’d sleep with anything on two or four legs if you thought it would give you a leg up in contract negotiations, except that nowadays you have to pay for that sort of thing.”
Caroline couldn’t breathe and Ross Ed looked horrified, but their hostess didn’t bat an eye. “Hey, that’s very good! Maybe that little sucker really is a real dead alien.”
“You … you’re not offended?” He kept waiting for the explosion. It never came.
“Should I be? Everything you said about my ‘friends’ is true. So is pretty much everything you said about me. You want to survive in this business, you learn to ignore the truth. It’s not really a problem because there isn’t much truth in this town that has to be ignored.” She tucked her arm in his and patted it reassuringly. “Nothing to get upset about. Now, you kids finish up this snack tray or I’m going to have to throw it out.” She scrutinized the still-smoking ruins of the TV.
“No fire damage. There are four more sets scattered around the house, so it’s not like we’re going to have to go without a television.” Stepping back, she wagged a finger at him. “Just watch what channels you tune to in the future, bubalah. I’ll get somebody in to clear up this mess.” She started searching end tables and cabinets. “Now where did I put that phone? I’ll be right back.”
Ross Ed watched her go. “You talk to anybody back home like that and guns stan to come out.”
“This isn’t Texas.” Caroline dug into the remaining hors d’oeuvres. “Talk about your alien cultures.”
“I suppose.” He turned to Jed. The alien body lay exactly as he’d placed it on the cushions. “I don’t know why I said all that stuff, much less how.”
“You told me you don’t know why you say any of it. Didn’t seem to bother her much.” She popped a triangular tidbit.
“I wonder if it’s possible to insult anybody here.”
“Try these little green things; they’re wonderful. I think they like being insulted, Ross Ed. They’re so used to underlings agreeing with everything they say, I think they must enjoy it when somebody talks back to them.”
“Maybe so..” She was right; the green unidentifiables were delicious. “I just wasn’t raised to speak to people like that.”
“Tealeaf told you not to worry about it. Just concentrate on what you’re going to do Saturday. If we’re lucky, it’ll be fun. Then we can go to San Diego.”
He eyed her speculatively. “You’re enjoying all of this, aren’t you, Caroline?”
She sat back on the sumptuous couch, one hand full of tiny sandwiches. “I may not be that old, Ross Ed, but I’ve learned to go with the flow. This flow is full of free housing, free food, and free entertainment. So I’m going with it. You should, too. Try to relax and enjoy yourself.”
“You’re really something, you know that?” He sat down beside her.
She shoved a sandwich into his mouth. “You bet I do. Now shut up and contemplate the view. Or at least the food.”
“What d’you think, Jed? Should I do as she says and quit worrying?” For a moment there was silence in the spacious den, then, “I’ll take that as a yes.”
SEVENTEEN
