Tessa grabbed a chair shoving it under the door to block anyone from coming in as Sammie grabbed my hand, yanking it towards her. All of them crowded around, inspecting the diamond on my finger without saying a word.

Their silence scared me

“Did you lose a bet?” Maddie asked, speaking first, heading towards the small window and propping it open as she lit a cigarette. Sammie and Tessa headed over to join her as Becca threw a reassuring arm around me giving me a squeeze like she knew I needed the contact.

These four girls were my life.

We protected each other, loved each other, and survived by being in each other’s life. I wasn’t surprised they had used Find a Friend to track me down and confront me about my engagement.

“Do you love him?” Becca asked, she knew about love and the sacrifice that it was. She had been hurt before and still hadn’t been able to heal from it.

Yet here she was, wanting a love story for me.

My eyes rolled as I headed over snatching Tessa’s cigarette from her hand and leaning against the wall as I took a drag out of it.

I wasn’t a smoker unless stressed out and right now was one of those times.

My friends knew a lot but they didn’t know who my father was or what sort of work he was into. They thought that he was just an Italian with a lot of connections because he was involved in a lot of clubs around town.

I didn’t have the heart to tell them my father killed people for a living and was really good at his job.

Didn’t seem like the sort of thing you could tell people.

Except I could tell Dante.

I could share my whole life with him, not holding back any of the details to preserve his innocence. His soul was stained just as much as mine.

Dante was connected to all this and I didn’t have to hold secrets of my life from him. There would be no scaring him away because he had probably killed people too.

And for some reason that made me feel free.

“No. I don’t love him. I don’t believe in love. And I don’t lose bets.” I added in to answer the past question. They knew all too well about how we gambled with things, “My parents had an arranged marriage. It was something my mother talked about before she got sick. She wanted me to have someone, that safety net that my father gave her. It was her wish.”

It was true.

My mother had been worried about me as she died. Afraid that I’d be all alone. There had been some comfort she got from my friendships but she wanted something like my papa gave to her.

The security of a man was an old school idea. I didn’t feel like I needed anyone other than my friends. But the love for my parents had me trapped.

There were a lot of blank stares as they tried to put together what I had just said. Tessa snatched her cigarette back as they all exchanged looks, thinking that I was losing my mind with this.

Love was something I never wanted to get into with a man.

Love was what had my father standing in the kitchen, cutting off my mothers hair after her first few chemo sessions. The sound of the buzzers as he whispered to her how beautiful she was and she cried; he would think she was beautiful no matter what.

Love was him feeding her limoncello at 3AM because she had been so sick all night and it was the only thing she could swallow. Kissing her dry lips in between bites as he praised her for doing so good.

Love was waking up at 1AM and following my father to her grave and watching him sob because he knew that he had to live in a place without my mother and to him that wasn’t a life worth living at all.

No.

Love was asking too much of someone else, giving too much of yourself and allowing someone into all the moments of your life that weren’t perfect.

I didn’t need love. I didn’t want love. I wouldn’t give love.

“Are they forcing you to marry him?” Sammie asked, looking like she was ready to fight someone. Which I didn't doubt for a second she would do. And I’m sure she would if it meant that she was protecting me in the way she knew how.

If our friend group was like the family Sammie and Tessa would be the enforcers, Maddie would be the consigliere, Becca would be the underboss and I guess I would be the boss.

“No one is forcing me. I signed the marriage contract willingly. It’s just my time to do this. And my dad is so happy. I haven’t seen him this happy since-” I don’t finish my thought because they all know I was going to mention my mother.

They had loved her too and knew the pain of losing her.

Dante had walked us over to the cemetery this morning before we came to brunch, laying a bouquet of flowers on her grave. It was a show of respect that I appreciated from him. But it had weakened me, bringing back too many thoughts of someone I had lost.

It’s quiet, all of us huddled together in a space that we didn’t expect to be. And I feel better having them here with me, stronger and ready to fight for the things that I want.

“Do you think you girls can all be my bridesmaids and maids of honor? I can’t pick just one.” My tone tried to be teasing, to lighten the burden I was laying on them.

We shared everything but I didn’t want to have to share my fear of this marriage with them.

And as I asked it’s chaos as they all start talking over each other about what colors to wear and buying dresses. Someone mentions a party in Vegas and someone else wants to go to Miami and before they can fight I have more news to break.

“I’m getting married on the 22nd of this month.”

A pin could drop and we’d have heard the ping.

The silence as they all look at me, back to thinking that I’m being held hostage and they’re going to plan a rescue mission for me.

Wouldn’t put it past them to try and kidnap me.

“Well, guess we’re going to Vegas next week.” Sammie breaks the silence as we all start laughing like this is funny.

But what else are you supposed to do when everything is about to change?

Except as soon as it’s said I latch onto the idea. Because they don’t know how much everything is going to change and how much it’s going to matter that we have this one last getaway. That this may be the last time that I get to go away and just have a girls trip with my friends with the freedom I know I’ll lose with a new last name.

“Can we, please?” The begging makes them all surprised. I’m usually better at hiding myself.

They’re all looking at me as soon as I say the word and I know they’ll make it happen. They may not know why it’s important to me but they don’t get hung up on that detail.

That’s why friends can be better than family. They don’t have to ask you questions to just know what you need.

“Bitch, you just signed up for a whole lot of crazy.” Tessa warns with a grin.

And I couldn’t be happier.

11DANTE