“It’s okay, Dad,” she whispered, running her fingers through his hair. “Don’t be scared. I’m here.”
He felt dead. Even the joints of his fingers were too stiff to bend. He breathed in slowly, trying to nourish his lungs back to life. He wanted to talk to her, no matter how bad the pain was.
As if sensing his desperation, she moved closer, and her face entered his field of vision. She wore no makeup, and her eyes were red-rimmed. “I guess you probably can’t hear me. But I’ll talk anyway. Just in case.”
He rolled his tongue around, desperately trying to choke words from his sour, dry mouth. They hadn’t been brushing his teeth properly.
“I’m sorry, Dad. God, I should’ve been here more. I’m the worst daughter ever. I should’ve never left my phone at home that day.” She started to cry. “All those missed calls, that message you left. If I’d had my phone on me, maybe I could’ve talked you out of it. I should’ve come here every day, twice a day. Maybe I could’ve… I could’ve…”
Don’t be sorry. You’re here now. That was what Gabriel wanted to tell her, but he couldn’t. He felt like a loose spirit trapped inside the confines of a heavy body he had no control over. The IV site burned like a bee sting.
Melanie wiped her eyes and took a deep, choked-up breath. Then, regaining her composure, she stared down at him and smiled weakly. “You never told me about your father. You never told me that he had Alzheimer’s, too.”
Gabriel wanted to reply, to explain that it’d been too painful to talk to her about, that it was something that had been on the cusp of his tongue many times but had never quite come out. He tried to look into her eyes, to fix his gaze on her in a way that let her know that he was there, but he couldn’t even seem to do that small task.
“I never knew about that, you know,” she continued. “I found out a few days ago from the nurses. I wish I could have met him. But now that I know, I wish I could… talk to you, I guess. I wish I could ask you what it was like for you, when he… when he got to this stage.”
It was hard. I didn’t handle it well.
“Dad, I thought I knew what this was going to be like, but I was wrong.” She shivered. “I’m scared. It’s funny. I see tragedies every day at the orphanage and at the homeless shelter, too. But this, looking at you now, seeing you like this, I’ve never been so scared.”
I’m scared too, Melanie. Gabriel desperately wished he could wrap his arms around her and let her sob into his chest. He remembered how, as a little girl, she would scream with excitement when they took out the sailboat, and her whole face would light up in a smile bigger than the sun.
“I wish you could hear me,” she said, another tear streaking down her cheek.
I can. I’m right here.
“But maybe you can hear me. Maybe if souls are real, I dunno. Maybe you’re still in there, just waiting to go flying into the sky. And even though my mind tells me that you’re not here anymore, my heart tells me you’re listening to every word. And you know what? I’m gonna choose to believe my heart. I do.” She cleared her throat and swiped at her eyes again. “So if you’re still in there, Dad, I want to tell you that I’ve always respected you more than anyone in the world. Back when I was a little girl, you were my superhero. You were everything, like, this amazing person who could do anything, fix anything, this guy who did such awesome things. It’s no excuse, but that’s why ever since your Alzheimer’s started, I’ve been so terrible. It’s why I’ve neglected you. Because it’s hard. That’s terrible, I know.”
She reached for a tissue and blew her nose. Gabriel had been angry over her neglect. That she wouldn’t visit often had pained him to no end, but hearing her confession and feeling the love radiating from her made all that anger melt like snow on the first day of spring.
“It’s really hard to watch your hero fall apart,” she whispered. “But that doesn’t mean that neglecting you was fair. It wasn’t okay. You were a genius, so brilliant that you couldn’t fit into the world. I know that. I can’t even imagine how hard life was for you, and you still achieved such fantastic things. You never stopped whistling. I love that little tune you always whistled whenever you were happy. I sometimes do it, too. Did you know that? When I’m by myself. It always makes me smile.”
I love you, Melanie.
“God, I’m sorry, Dad. And… what else do I wanna tell you? I guess I should say everything I can right now, huh?”
Yes. Say it now. All of it. I’m here.
“Let’s see. Gosh, I used to hear millions of stories about you from Mom. She never stopped bragging about how cool you are. And this last week, I’ve spent a lot of time appreciating the wonderful memories that I have of us sailing and riding your motorcycle. If you’re somewhere in there, I hope you can forgive me for not being there when you needed me. I’m sorry.”
Melanie, I’m more proud of you than you could possibly imagine.
“I can’t go back and fix things, but from one carbon-based life-form to another, I want you to know that I love you, Daddy.”
I love you too.
“I am who I am because I had you as a father. And…” Melanie let go of his hand, put on her coat, and kissed Gabriel on the forehead.
Gabriel reached out to her with his heart. He loved her so much. He didn’t want her to leave. Don’t go, please don’t go.
“I was lucky enough to have the best father a girl could’ve ever asked for. Ever. Good night, Dad.” Melanie left the room.
Gabriel lay in bed, silent, unable to move or respond. The minutes passed by like hours. The moisture of her kiss settled into the creases of his forehead and dissolved.
Suddenly, Gabriel felt a tear running from the corner of his eye. Without thinking, he reached up and wiped the tear away. Once it sank in that he’d actually moved his hand, he lay in stunned disbelief. He tried to flex his hands. They felt like broken concrete, but they responded. He arched his neck and raised his head. He could move again.
“M… Mel… Melanie,” he gurgled. “I llllove… you.”
But it was too late. Melanie had left hours ago.
“I love you,” he whispered, rolling his tongue around every syllable. “Th-thank you… for coming to see me.”
Cautiously, Gabriel stretched out his arms and legs. His limbs felt like burlap sacks filled with shattered glass, but as he moved them around, the pain subsided a bit. He pulled the IV needle out of his arm then applied pressure to the needle mark until he was sure that it wouldn’t bleed. He did a complete range of motion test on every part of his bruised, tender body. Once the pain had sufficiently dulled, he felt strong enough to climb out of bed.
He stood up but felt so shaky that he immediately sat down on the bed again. His trusty cane was nowhere to be seen. It had been replaced by a walker standing next to the bed.
Well, better a walker than a wheelchair, he figured. That was what Edna Foster would have said. He pulled the walker over, his back muscles aching at the far reach. For all his complaints in the past, the Gabriel of two weeks ago had had it easy in comparison.
He put his hands on the bars of the walker, bent his knees, and pushed to his feet. Taking careful, creaky steps, he went to the closet and got dressed. The backpack was still packed, and all of his materials were in cardboard boxes. Gabriel paced around the room, leaning on the walker for support. His walking was interrupted by a loud groan from his roommate. Gabriel peeked around the curtain.
He was surprised to see Paul Sampson in the other bed. Gabriel had thought the man dead. Paul had once been an Olympic runner, a silver medalist. But trapped in bed, the former athlete had become a withered skeleton with translucent skin and blue cataracts. His teeth were bared in a permanent expression of pain. He didn’t seem to register Gabriel’s existence.
Gabriel winced. All he could think was that soon he too would be a bedbound pile of flesh, drooling at the mouth, until another resident replaced him. It was an endless cycle of death.
“I’m here, Gabriel.”
Gabriel jerked around, almost falling in the process, and saw Victor standing in the doorway. Instead of his usual tuxedo, Victor was garbed in a hooded black robe that trailed down past his knees. The garment was made of such thick, startlingly black fabric that it seemed as though it had created a hole in space.
