“I thought I’d go now; the car is already packed. I’m going to try to avoid the morning rush. Is that okay?”

“Of course. I love you; I’ll see you tomorrow,” I smiled falsely, leaning in for a kiss.

“I love you, Ames. Let me know how it goes.”

Harry grabbed his bags, and I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him. There was enough Alprazolam in each of those bottles to kill anyone outright. If I got really lucky, Harry and his whore would both get thirsty at the same time, and they’d both be gone.

“Au revoir!” Harry shouted with his eyes crossed, lifting his top lip to expose his teeth.

I closed the door as he drove away and sat down at the kitchen island, contemplating what I’d just done. I didn’t know how to feel. I hadn’t twisted a knife through his heart or cracked his skull open with a blunt object, but I’d just murdered someone. Not someone, the love of my life. But love is meant to go both ways, isn’t it? I felt strange, mainly because of the lack of guilt. Maybe I wasn’t capable of feeling guilt anymore. I’d numbed myself with drugs and alcohol for so long that I didn’t even know how I should feel. I thought about Harry constantly and wondered if those water bottles were still untouched. I wondered if he took a few sips on the motorway, lost all his faculties, and crashed. Maybe he would make it to Filey, and he would just fade away in front of all his family and friends.

I started to panic. I’d lost control of it all, and I didn’t know what was going to happen or when. For all I knew, he could have discarded the bottles of water as soon as he left the house. I hadn’t even considered my own life in all this, and if someone had found out what I’d done, I would be going down for murder. Although what I’d done was premeditated and calculated, I’d largely acted on impulse regarding the timing. I ran upstairs and vomited in the toilet until there was nothing else left to come up, and I started crying uncontrollably.

After the purge, I convinced myself that it wasn’t my fault. None of it. Whoever Harry’s mistress was, she was to blame. If that venomous snake hadn’t slithered into our lives, Harry would still be breathing tomorrow. I was simply the delivery method of everything they deserved. I decided to try to put it out of my mind and pretend that it was just a normal day. I had an appointment to go to the clinic, and I should attend so as not to arouse suspicion. I didn’t know whether I wanted the result to be positive or negative.

The journey to the clinic was a haze. I could barely concentrate on anything other than wondering what was happening to Harry. I listened to the radio as intently as I could in case there was a report about a crash or an incident, but there wasn’t any. I parked up and looked at my phone, and he hadn’t been in contact. I checked in and sat in the waiting room in a trance. I was surrounded by optimistic couples desperately waiting for some good news, chatting amongst themselves. My name was called, and I walked through to the doctor’s office. I’d been in there many times with Harry, and I sat in my usual seat.

My attention is drawn to a small cut on his neck. It looked fairly recent but had scabbed over. It looked too large to be a shaving mishap, and I started to ponder what kind of implement would leave such a mark. My eyes lost focus for a second, and then I realised the doctor was speaking to me.

“Amelia?” he asked.

“Sorry, I was miles away,” I uttered.

“Like it said, it’s finally happened! The tests have confirmed you are pregnant. Congratulations!”

I didn’t respond to the doctor. I simply stood up and walked out of his office. He followed me out in confusion, shrugging at the receptionist, but I left without a further explanation. I stood outside the clinic in the busy Manchester streets and screamed as loudly as I could, much to the alarm of passersby.

Wave after wave of regret crashed violently into me, knocking me off my feet. I was drowning in guilt and remorse whilst I gasped for air on my hands and knees on the pavement. My clarity returned, and I couldn’t believe what I’d done. I’d killed Harry. He could be dead already for all I knew. I just wanted to scrub it all out and take it back, but I didn’t know if it was possible. I got my phone out as quickly as possible and started dialling Harry’s number.

“Hi, this is Harry. I can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message,” the phone played.

XIX

THE WORLD

HARRY - BEFORE

With any luck, that would be the last time I saw Amelia. Any possessions I cared about were packed in the back of my car, and I was on my way home to Filey. I didn’t feel a single stab of regret in my subterfuge. The previous two weeks waiting for that day was total torture, but I was finally free. I pulled up in Manchester city centre and popped into the IVF clinic to officially withdraw my consent for further procedures. Anything that remained of my DNA would be disposed of, and Amelia wouldn’t be able to use it against me again. I told them not to alert her, and they agreed. By the time she had found out what I’d done, Kim and I would be long gone.

When I was finished inside the clinic, Kim was waiting outside for me, with her bags packed too.              Her entire face lit up when she saw me, and I hadn’t found myself on the receiving side of a look like that for a while. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t questioning my decision in the morning, but once I saw Kim, I knew I’d made the right call. I was thrown back to when I first saw her on our first date many years ago. She was standing at the top of the stairs innocently smiling at me.

It was a beautiful moment for me, albeit a tad bittersweet. I knew that I’d made the right decision, but I was still upset. Amelia’s mood in the morning reminded me of what we used to be like and what we could have been. She was sweet and caring, and even though I knew it was all an act, I still found myself missing her. Her former self, before the monster reared its ugly head and began clawing viciously at our marriage. If only she would have gotten the help she so desperately needed sooner, we could have been together. But the violent abuse wasn’t going to stop, and I had to get out of there while I still could.

“Hi, Harry. Bit of a strange place to meet,” Kim joked.

“Hi. Yeah, not the best place to have a date, I’ll give you that,” I said in jest.

“Are you ready to go home?”

“More than anything.”

We both got in the car and started the three-hour journey to Filey. I’d left all my troubles back in Manchester, and it felt like old times. Throughout the journey, we chuckled and sang along to the songs on the radio. I had tears in my eyes most of the journey because of the sheer amount of laughter we shared. For the first time in months, I knew everything was going to be okay. From an outside perspective, it looked really rushed, but I fell in love again with Kim. She was the one. She always was. The biggest regret I had was letting my father’s death get in the way of my relationship with Kim. If I’d have reacted differently, we could have been married with children right now.

And to state the obvious, I wouldn’t have met Amelia. But the torment I’d endured from her was almost worth going through to finally sit in that car with such an amazing and kind woman. It didn’t feel like a new relationship; it just felt like a continuation. It was then I realised just how strong of a connection Kim and I actually shared; several years and a failed marriage later, we could effortlessly pick it up where we left off. She was everything that I had ever wanted, and I was kicking myself for not gripping onto it with both hands all those years ago.

I planned to never set foot in Manchester ever again. Or anywhere near Amelia. I pleaded to whatever God would listen that she got a negative result at the clinic. Then, I would be truly free. I knew she would call me as soon as she left the clinic, but I turned my phone off in preparation. I had everything riding on a negative result at the clinic, but I was terrified that if Amelia was indeed pregnant, she would somehow force her way back into my life. And worse than that, that I would allow it.

The most important thing was that we were safe. I had first-hand experience of how dangerous Amelia was, and her violence was only escalating. Who knows what she was truly capable of? She was so volatile, and my previous transgressions paled in comparison to the latest. If she found out I’d left her, without even telling her, for another woman, and all whilst she was pregnant, there would be no telling what she might do. I’d told Kim everything, but I don’t think she truly understood just how much danger we were in.

But I was trying to focus on the positives, and for a change, I was surrounded by them. We arrived in Filey, left our bags in the car, and went to the pub straight away. I decided pre-emptively that it was cause for celebration, and I tried to put Amelia at the back of my mind. I constantly imagined her smashing the house up because she couldn’t get hold of me or furiously driving to Filey to check up on what I was doing. Steve was so happy to see us when we entered the pub, but the look of confusion on his face when I walked in with Kim was a picture.

“All right, Harry? What’s going on here then?” Steve asked cheekily.

“Well,” I started with Kim looking at me dotingly, “we are together. I’m leaving Amelia.”

“About fucking time!” Steve roared.

I was a few drinks in, and the terror had started to fade. Everything began to feel right again. We shared stories and banter. I was surrounded by love and happiness. Kim could barely take her eyes off me, neither could mine off her. It was a glimpse of what my life was going to look like in the future: safe and in love. Maybe Kim and I would start a family of our own someday. I was getting ahead of myself, I know, but I couldn't help myself.

But I still fully enjoy myself; the fear of not knowing what Amelia’s mental state was kept jolting me back to reality. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty about leaving Amelia in these circumstances. It was hard unbreaking those bonds that were once so strong, and I just wanted to call her and check if she was okay. The urge to do so was almost irresistible, but any contact with Amelia was likely to put Kim and me under threat.

As the evening went on, the likelihood of her having a violent meltdown increased severely. I imagined her going to the clinic and receiving the bad news, and I wouldn’t be there to comfort her. I stopped drinking my pint and opted for a non-alcoholic one instead, just in case she turned up in a frenzy, and I had to deal with her. Kim had noticed my mood change and looked at me with concern.

“Are you okay, Harry?” she asked.

“Yeah, I just feel a bit weird about it all. What if she’s actually pregnant? What happens then?”

“Then we will work it out. The most important thing is that you are out of there.”

“I can’t just leave her with our child.”

“I agree. We need to go to the police in the morning and tell them everything. She shouldn’t be allowed to look after children.”

“You are right.”

“I am. And she deserves everything that is happening to her.”

“I know, but I still feel guilty.”

“Do not feel guilty,” Kim insisted, grabbing my hand with both of hers, “she drove you to this.”

“I know she did. But I need to know what’s going on with her. What if she is on her way here now?”

“Then we will deal with her.”

“You don’t understand how dangerous she is, Kim. What I’ve experienced so far is the tip of the iceberg.”