“You are not fine,” he said. “What did I do?”
“Nothing,” she bit out. “It’s just... I don’t know, it was more intense than I anticipated, is all.”
“I should never have agreed to this. To the handcuffs and...”
“No, it’s not that. Well, it is that. It’s just... I can’t stop thinking about what happened that night.”
“I’m sure it’s scary to get arrested,” he said, feeling like he was treading on thin ice, unsure of what to say next. “I’m sure...”
“Not the arrest,” she said. “It’s what... Eli, that night after I left the police station...my father picked me up.” She leaned against the patrol car and picked up a twig that had fallen onto the trunk. She gripped it, pushed on it with her thumb and snapped it in half, the sound echoing in the dense silence around them. “And when we got home...he beat me so badly I ended up in the hospital.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
OH, DAMMIT, SHE WAS CRYING. And not just a few tears, but the honest-to-God beginnings of a flash flood. She could feel the dams eroding, so much emotion building, pressing against the already-compromised structure, and she knew the minute it gave way, she was going to cry until she was dry inside.
Because it had been building for years. And now it was all falling apart in front of the man she...the man she’d spent a long time blaming in so many ways. The man who’d just taken her to heaven and back in his car, with what could very well be the same handcuffs on her wrists.
It was fitting he was the one to witness this. When he hadn’t witnessed it then.
Why didn’t you protect me, Eli? You protect everyone. Why couldn’t you see I needed it?
But she didn’t say that out loud. Instead, she continued on, ignoring the tears that slid down her cheeks.
“He was angry at me. For the arrest. And...oh, he said I’d been daring him for a long time. And he wasn’t wrong about that,” she said, swallowing hard, imagining how her father had looked that night. His face red, the vein in his forehead standing out as he’d screamed at her. As he’d landed his first blow, knocking her to the ground. And after that she hadn’t seen him at all. She’d just wound herself into a ball while it continued. Unable to defend herself. Unable to move. While she heard nothing. Nothing but the sound of his knees, boots and fists hitting her body.
When she’d imagined him doing this, she’d heard her mother screaming for him to stop.
But in reality, she hadn’t. In reality, her mother had been silent.
“Anyway,” she said. “It was the last straw. I’d finally set him on me. After years of watching him go after my mother I finally managed to turn it onto myself. She didn’t call 911. So you would never have heard it over dispatch. She drove me to the hospital in Tolowa. We were far enough out that it was just as close as the one on the other end of Copper Ridge.”
“Sadie,” he said, his voice rough. “I had no idea...”
“I know,” she said. “But please let me finish. I had to go into surgery. I know you’ve seen the little scar.” So funny that it was so small, when the scars beneath were so massive. “My spleen had ruptured.”
“Shit,” he said, the word harsh in the silence of the forest, so much heavier with emotion than her own blank retelling.
“My mother told them I had gotten into a fight. She didn’t tell them my father had done it. When I was alone with the nurse she said that I could press charges. But that it was going to be difficult because my mother was adamant I’d gotten into a fight with a group of boys,” she snorted. “She said if I were a minor I could be removed while investigations were done, but I was eighteen and that meant there was nothing they could do. So she asked me what I wanted. My father had come to pick my mother up. My car was in the parking lot. My mother had left the keys. And that was when I realized that people don’t change. So I figured...I’d just change everything around me.”
He covered his mouth with his hand and took a step back, his complexion waxen. “Sadie, I don’t—” He dropped his hands to his sides. “That happened because I arrested you?”
“Don’t,” she said. “Don’t do that. I’ve done that. I...I do it still sometimes. It was my choice that got me arrested. It was his choice to beat me. It was...”
Suddenly she was pulled tight against his chest, all of the resistance pulled from her by his tight embrace, all of the emotion wringing out of her, tears falling down her cheeks.
He moved his hand over her back, warm and comforting. And way too much.
She buried her face in his chest, the tears hot now, angry. “Why didn’t you protect me?” she asked, the words slipping out before she could process them. Before she could analyze just how unfair they were. He didn’t know. He couldn’t have known. But it was the question that had screamed inside of her for ten years, even when the pain was buried so far beneath years of rocks and rubble and dirt she’d thrown on top of it in an effort to keep it quiet. In an effort to blot it out.
He tightened his hold on her and she curled her hands into fists, pressed against his bare chest as she let him hold her. Her shoulders jerked upward on the sob that filled her throat, forcing her to suck a sharp breath of air.
“You said it’s your job to protect everyone,” she said, the words muffled by his chest. “Everyone in your town. But you didn’t protect me.”
He gripped her shoulders tight, tugging her backward and looking down at her face, his dark eyes sincere, intense. She wanted to look away from him. Hide her weakness, her emotion. Every insecurity and stupid thought.
“Never mind, it’s not your fault...” she began again.
“Sadie, listen to me,” he said. “I would never have given you to him. Ever. I would never have let you go home. If I’d had any idea...” He shook his head. “I should have seen it.”
“Why would you?” she asked, stepping back, feeling so embarrassed she wanted to crawl under the patrol car and curl up into a ball.
“It’s my job. And...sometimes I think I don’t look long enough or hard enough. Because...well, like with Alison. My hands are tied because she won’t tell. She won’t ask for help. She won’t leave. I hate knowing that. That, no matter what, I can’t help. But I could have helped you. If I had asked...you would have told me, wouldn’t you?”
She studied his handsome face, the deep grooves around his mouth that spoke of years of frowns. The lines between his brows that told the story of just how many nights he’d sat up worrying. “I was angry, drunk and belligerent. There was no reason for you to offer me anything. I deserved to be arrested and I—”
“You said something to me when you first came to town,” he said, interrupting her.
“What?” she asked, feeling gritty and watery at the same time, and not really enjoying either sensation.
“You said that...that there were people like me who just put people away, and people like you who listen, and try to change things. You’re right. I wouldn’t have listened, not then. I didn’t listen. I figured I was doing the right thing. The legal thing was all the protection that was needed, but it wasn’t.”
“Eli, don’t. Don’t take it on yourself. You wouldn’t have listened, but I wouldn’t have told you. I wanted him to do it. For years... For years and years I watched him hit her. And then I finally decided I was sick of walking on eggshells. That I was going to go ahead and dare him to do the same to me. Because in my head I figured I could take it. Because I figured she would stop it. Well, it turns out I’m not as tough as I thought. And it turns out she didn’t care as much as I thought, either.”
“Sadie, you said—”
“I shouldn’t have said it. But I needed to say it,” she said. “I don’t... I’ve thought it before. I... Look, I really hate talking about this but I needed to tell you because, well...hello, post-sex emotional breakdown, and you did need to know why. I’ve... I was hammered that night, okay? But when you grabbed me and put me in the car, all I could think was you were really strong. The kind of guy who could put a jackass like my dad in his place. The kind of guy who would. You were good, Eli, and I knew it then. I know it now.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t stop him.”
