36. Callan

37. Sage

38. Callan

39. Sage

40. Callan

41. Callan

Epilogue

Chapter

Acknowledgements

About the author

To the moms who feel alone, like you're holding the world on your shoulders just to see their smiles—we see you.

You are loved.

Important Note

Dear reader,

Within these pages, heavy topics that may be sensitive to some readers are discussed. They are listed below, but please keep in mind that some may contain spoilers to what unfolds in this book. As always, I do my best to handle these topics with the care they deserve.

-Discussion of body image issues

-Mention of a cesarean delivery

-Brief mention of drunk driving (not by either of the MCs)

-Indication of potential sexual assault

-Losing a significant other and child in a car accident (not from the MCs)

-On page panic attacks

-Anxiety representation and on page panic attacks

-Missing pet

-Domestic abuse

-On page violence

-Explicit content and strong language

-Surprise pregnancy (epilogue)

“Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.”

– John Wayne

1

Sage

This morning couldn’t be more hectic if it tried.

Avery, my five year old daughter, had forgotten her coloring pencils at home—but that was just the beginning. To prevent the meltdown of the century, I’d turned around after we got to the parking lot of Bell Buckle Brews, but halfway home, we got stuck on the road waiting for elk to cross. After what felt like forever, I’d put the pedal to the metal—without actually speeding—and ran inside once we made it home, grabbed her things, and jogged back out to the car. But naturally, on my way back, I tripped on the stick she’d been playing with the day before and fell on my ass, resulting in the colored pencils flying all over the lawn. After plucking the pencils out of the overgrown grass, inadvertently adding a few plucked green blades to the bag, we’d rushed back to the cafe only thirty minutes before opening, which made everything else fall behind.

The pastries weren’t in the oven, the dishes weren’t cleaned the night before thanks to my lovely coworker Gemma, so I had to scrub like my life literally depended on it because my position at this cafe depended on it. I couldn’t afford to lose my job over some dirty dishes. Because yes, I would be the one blamed for Gemma not doing her closing duties the night before. That was just how it worked here.

Typically, my mornings went smoothly. Avery and I were always on top of things. We had our routine down. If it was a school day, Avery would get her things together in her backpack on her own while I prepped her lunch, then I’d drop her off on the way to work. But with it being the middle of summer, she didn’t have school, and I didn’t have a babysitter to watch her, so she came to my job with me every day. The same went for winter break, spring vacation, or any other holiday during the school year.

If she wasn’t at school, she was with me.

Bell Buckle was a small town on the north eastern side of Idaho with a population of only a couple hundred people, which made it difficult to find anyone with the time to watch an almost six year old girl. I also had a hard time trusting people, so if someone did come up with the ability to watch her while I was at work, I’d typically let them down easy. I was probably causing more problems for myself by doing that, but with how our life was only mere years ago, I wouldn’t risk it if I felt off about someone.

Having Avery under my wing here made me feel better, even though it did make work difficult. There was typically only one employee working in the cafe at a time, other than the small overlap when shifts switched. With Bell Buckle being small and all, we didn’t have so much foot traffic to where one person couldn’t handle it all.

But today was one of those days where I wished someone was here to help.

It didn’t even have to be my friend and coworker, Penny.

I’d take anyone.

Even Gemma.

“Mama, can I have something to eat?” Avery asked, coming out from the back of the cafe through the swinging door.

“Can you give me five minutes and I’ll bring something back to you?” I asked as I pulled a breakfast sandwich out of the warmer with tongs and poured coffee into a mug at the same time. Some of the dark liquid splashed over the rim, adding to the multitude of other spills on the counter I kept telling myself I’d clean up when I had a minute.

If I got a minute.

Of course, the one day I was late had to be the busiest morning all summer.

Avery let out a huff and went back through the door to where her small table was set up with activities to keep her busy throughout the day. She got moody when she was hungry.

I set the sandwich and coffee on the counter beside the register. “Eight dollars and twenty-three cents, please.”

Eric, one of the local ranchers, handed over a ten dollar bill. “Thanks, Sage. Keep the change.”

“Thanks. Have a good day, alright?”