I can’t even process or be happy about what Junichi is saying to me because everything in me feels like a fizzy drink that’s been shaken up—that is, if the drink were made with fire. I leave the kitchen as fast as I can manage and head to the bathroom down the hall from the sitting room. Inside, I close the door and grip the porcelain sink as I take slow, deep breaths. The surface of the sink is cool underneath my palms, which helps to distract me.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I never know anymore.
This feeling… It was bad when Audrey was here with us, but tolerable, because I could focus all my attention on her. She was like a neutralizer compared to whatever Junichi is doing to me. But with her gone, it’s harder to distract myself—and then he touches me and he’s talking and I literally can’t breathe because my heart is beating off the charts.
It feels slightly more manageable now that I’m in the bathroom, so I turn on the cold water and bend down. I pull my glasses off and place them aside before I splash the water against my face over and over, wishing I could wash this feeling away—this body. When I stop and stand up straight to look at myself in the mirror, droplets are running down my too tight, too perfect for comfort skin, and those weird rings around my irises that showed up a couple of months ago look like they’re glowing.
“Shit.” I rub my hands against my face, willing it to stop. All of it. I feel like a fucking freak.
I stay in the bathroom for a long time, trying to calm myself. When Junichi is in front of me, it’s like everything in my body is clawing and clamoring toward him. Even when I was human, I always wanted him. But this feels ridiculous.
By the time I leave the bathroom, I feel a little more in control. My weird eyes have stopped whatever they were doing, and my heartrate is calmer. I take a deep breath when I turn the corner to walk back into the kitchen. Junichi is still sitting in the exact same spot, and his eyes immediately meet mine. My body warms up, but I take another breath and stamp it down. I can’t keep letting these feelings overrun me like this.
I force a smile. “Sorry about that…”
His gaze is intense but thoughtful. His tone sincere. “What just happened?”
“I’m still adjusting. I’m alright.”
“If you talk to me and tell me what’s going on, I can help you. I’m not Haruka, but I still know a lot and can explain things that might not make sense to you.”
I believe him. I do. But… I don’t want to dump all my shit into his lap again. I did that in the past, didn’t I? He told me before that I could lean on him, and what happened?
I’ll manage this and figure it out on my own. I will.
Slowly, I move forward and toward the bench, trying hard to keep my nature and body in check. I just need to focus. As I sit, Lulú is looking up at me with her golden eyes. She obviously can’t talk, but it feels very much like she’s worried and asking if I’m alright. Which is bloody weird.
“Thank you,” I tell Jun, breathing steadily. “But I’m okay.” I thread my fingers together in the gap of my legs under the table because it gives me something to focus on, and it keeps him from grabbing me and making my nature go berserk again. I take another deep breath. “About… what you said earlier.”
“Can we take it slow?” Junichi asks. “You don’t need to respond to me right now. You’re adjusting, and I don’t expect you to suddenly trust and open up to me again like a switch being flicked on. I know it doesn’t work like that. But I’m here, Jae. Just know that I’m here for you—and this time, I’m not leaving unless you tell me to go. Deal?”
I don’t think this will work anymore. I don’t think it can now. But how could I ever tell him to go? This person that awakened me, and whose blood and presence make my entire body feel like I’m an explosive. I’m relieved, because he’s saved me from having to admit that I’m a complete and utter mess. I can barely control my nature, and I don’t know what’s happening to this insane body from one minute to the next.
I love him, too. Of course I love him. I just… wish things were different. That I was still me—the me I know—or that I’d turned out to be first-gen or lower. Then I’d have some humanity left and Jun would be more comfortable with me. I’d be more comfortable with myself. Things would have been so much better.
It feels unfair.
I nod, taking another deep breath. I think I’m already getting better at controlling my nature. I can feel it. “Yes. Deal.”
Junichi tilts his head as he stares at me, and a smile spreads across his mouth. “I can see your eyes better without the glasses in the way.”
Instinctively, I reach up and touch the bridge of my nose. I must have left them on the sink in the bathroom.
“You told me your eyesight was perfect now, anyway,” Junichi goes on. “When did the blue show up?”
Groaning, I rub my eyes with my fingertips. “I don’t know. Every time I think I’ve plateaued, something else happens and I reach a new freakish level of abnormality.” I’m rubbing the corners, but I stop and lift my gaze at Jun’s silence. He’s still watching me with that same soft expression.
“Not freakish. Your eyes are mesmerizing, Jae. Like an amber stone outlined by the ocean… I can’t look away from you.”
I swallow and take a breath before I look away. Then I stamp down on the warm feeling bubbling up my spine by focusing on the dark shadows of trees and brush swaying and moving beyond the window.
I don’t think this will work, but… I’ll try.
If the weather had been nice, I would have taken Jun on a walk around the cottage. There’s a path through the trees, winding toward a small lake, and it’s stunning at sunset. But given the thick cloud cover, it got dark much earlier than normal. Now, the rain is pelting hard against the outside walls and windows. Thunder is rumbling in the distance, inching closer.
I decided to take him to the attic instead. He looked at Mum’s journals and said he thinks Haruka would wet himself for that kind of research. Sorry, but I cannot imagine Haruka wetting himself under any circumstance. The very thought is offensive.
We had dinner (I made a simple stew with veg since he said he wasn’t too hungry), then talked before retiring to our respective rooms. He didn’t try touching me anymore, and we kept busy talking about things other than ourselves and this awkward situation between us, so I was able to maintain some semblance of normalcy. It was a relief—to know I’m capable of exhibiting some control.
I’m reading in bed now, which research says I shouldn’t do. But I do. It’s cozy for me, especially on violently stormy nights like this.
There’s a bright flash of lightning in my window, briefly illuminating the darkness outside and the shadowed outline of trees. It’s followed by a big boom of thunder, making the entire house rattle. Mother Nature is really cutting up tonight.
A soft knock on the door makes me lift my head from the book. “Yes?” It creaks open and Lulú pads inside. I’m about to freak out, thinking the vampire cat is capable of knocking and opening doors, but then Junichi pokes his head in.
“Hey.”
I blink, staring as my gut starts twisting around in the familiar way. “Hey… what’s wrong?” Lulú is already on my bed, nestling in beside me. There’s another white flash of lightning. The boom of thunder that follows rattles the house again. Jun closes the door, presses his back into it with his eyes closed and takes a deep breath.
“What is it?” I ask once more.
“Don’t laugh at me…” he says, his eyes still closed. “But I do not like thunderstorms. Do you mind company?”
“I…” Rubbing my hand against my scalp, I ruffle my hair to distract myself from the warmth that’s suddenly pulsing in my groin and snaking up my spine. “I—Alright. But why would I laugh at you about that?”
There’s another flash, and it jolts Jun into movement. He tries to play it off, but his walk is a little too brisk as he moves toward my bed. Just as the thunder hits, he climbs on and lies beside me, curling into himself a little. Once the house stops rattling, he says, “Because it makes me feel like a child. I’m too big to be acting like this—literally six foot one.”
