“In a movie theater, with a throng of paparazzi and adoring fans outside?” I replied, raising a most sarcastic eyebrow.
“Dreams aren’t meant to be taken literally, Kailani. You should know that by now. They’re a distorted reflection of your subconscious. Your deepest desires, translated in elements you’ve seen out there, in the real world,” the Word said. “You should look past the glitz and the glamour, past the food and the vintage cars, past the people you think you know and love. Peel away at the layers, then tell me what you see. What is left is what you want.”
That made me think. But the Word was right—shockingly.
If I were to go back through everything I’d seen in this peculiar dream state, and if I looked beyond the obvious and the familiar, I was left with things that made me happy like nothing else. In the redwoods, I found tranquility and knowledge. At the terrace in Hawaii, I found comfort and a light heart. Outside the movie theater, I found adoration, respect, and sheer awe.
It took me a while to figure it all out, as I went over my actions—everything I’d done, from the moment I’d first met Lumi, until I’d made the decision to become a swamp witch.
“What drives me?” I asked myself out loud.
“What do you want, Kailani?”
I raised a hand to shush the Word. I realized I did it a second too late. Thankfully, the Word didn’t seem to mind. “Hold on,” I whispered.
Closing my eyes, I let everything go for a moment. All my fears and desires came tumbling down, intertwined in hot and cold threads that made every atom of my body vibrate. I followed the threads into the deep unknown of Kailani… and, at the very end, I saw everything so clearly, it brought tears to my eyes.
The silhouette cocked its head to the side, as if fascinated by my reaction.
I couldn’t help but laugh lightly, shaking my head in astonishment.
Minutes went by in utter silence, but neither of us was bothered by it. At least I had the momentum here. I had the clarity for which I’d been subconsciously yearning for months, if not years.
“It’s funny what a moment of silence will do to one’s brain,” I said.
“What do you want, Kailani?”
“Good grief, you sound like a broken record!” I retorted, fearless and more determined than ever to snap out of this blackout and get back to business. People were relying on me, dammit. “First of all, you need to stop messing around in my heart. No amount of Word mojo will ever change the fact that I love Hunter like I’ve never loved anyone before. I love my parents. My grandparents, on both sides. Elonora. Heck, even Snow-Mountain Nevis. I love them all. So maybe quit fiddling with my emotions, okay?”
“I’m surprised to hear you still have feelings of any kind,” the Word replied. “This dream state is the last stage of your apprenticeship, where you must remove yourself from anything that might tie you down. This is where your fate is decided. Where I determine whether you deserve to be a swamp witch or not. Whether I should wipe all your memories forever simply for talking to me in such a disrespectful manner… or not.”
Fear clutched my throat. My heart got tiny, a painful marble beating well beyond its capability. I’d pissed the Word off. I could add that to my repertoire of “Things Kailani Does When She Blows a Fuse.”
But I was too far down this road to go back. This was my one chance to make something of myself, in the eyes of the universe. In the eyes of everyone who needed me or who would need me in the years to come.
“You’ll never be able to wipe the love from my heart,” I said, more determined than ever.
“Fine. Let’s work with that. I suppose your witch genes are more powerful than I originally thought,” the Word replied. “Tell me. What do you want?”
As if saying it for the first time, with more pathos than I’d ever been able to summon before, I let loose.
“I want to be a swamp witch, like none before me ever were. I want to serve the Word and the universe. I want to help people, especially those who can’t help themselves. I want the knowledge of everything that was, is, and ever will be to surge through me like wildfire. I want to wake up, perform a most awesome bilocation spell, and destroy anyone who stands between me and my freedom. I want to hold Hunter in my arms and tell him how much I love him. I want my parents and my grandparents to live long lives, happy and at peace. I want the Perfects to get a better shot at life, without the poison of their creator clouding their judgment. I want freedom for the Faulties, who are beautiful in every single aspect of their biological and aesthetic diversity. I want the Draenir to call Strava their home again. I want… I want everything! And if I can’t have everything, I want nothing!”
By the time I was done talking, my knees were made of jelly, and my hands were shaking. I’d let it rip, and it felt incredible. By saying all those words, I’d removed an entire mountain of pressure from my chest. I took a deep breath again, only, this time, it felt like my first—like the air I’d inhaled as soon as I’d come out of my mother’s womb.
Pure. Perfect. Unforgettable.
The shadow dissolved, like black ink in a glass of water, until a clear figure emerged. I recognized the champagne-colored sequin dress. The diamond earrings. The chocolate curls. The orchid behind her right ear. It was me.
Well, a peculiar version of me, with white, glowing eyes.
Inside me, peace reigned. Bliss flooded my consciousness as I gazed upon myself. The Word was me, in more ways than one.
“You continue to surprise me, Kailani,” the Word-me said.
She glowed from the inside, as if thousands of fireflies buzzed beneath her caramel skin. She was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, and it had nothing to do with my vanity. She could’ve looked like a ghoul, for all I cared. It was as though I was looking at the truest form of the Word, and it was so stunning that I found myself crying.
“I knew I was doing the right thing when I took a chance on you,” the Word-me added, smiling. There was so much warmth emanating from her. Liquid sunshine bottled up in this superbly crafted version of me. “If we do this, Kailani, there will be no turning back. I will open the doors of the universe to you. Not all at once, of course. It will take a million lifetimes for you to understand and learn everything. Then, by that time, there will be a million more lifetimes to learn everything new that has, since this moment, happened. Being one with the Word will not be easy. Sacrifices will be made. And you’ll need a strong stomach for what comes next.”
I nodded once. “I’m ready.”
“You must be ready to let go of the people you love, too, when the time comes,” the Word said.
“Can we just cross that bridge when we get there?”
I was eager to get this over with. Had my circumstances been different, I would’ve certainly enjoyed the full pump of a final swamp witch initiation. But the clock was ticking out there, in the real world. I was needed.
Word-me scoffed. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now, any last words?”
“What… What do you mean?” I asked, suddenly confused.
“These are your last moments as… Kailani. Once I open myself to you, you will die and become something else entirely.”
There was no more time left to waste. On top of that, I had a feeling the Word would appreciate what I was about to do, later. I didn’t think about it for a second. With a heart filled with love and a mind driven by clarity and sheer strength of will, I darted forward.
The move took Word-me by surprise.
I wrapped my arms around her, and I held her tight, welcoming everything with nothing but joy. I exploded like a star. Every atom of me was conscious and fully aware as the dream state warped out and opened into the endless string of universes.
