Amelia
What happened?
Me
He used my testicles as a trampoline when jumping onto my lap. The doctor has diagnosed testicular trauma.
I won't tell her that we were playing with one of his mouse toy thingies when things got out of hand. The cat has turned me into a right sap.
Amelia
Oh, he likes you if he jumps on your lap.
Me
Did you not hear me?? Testicular. Trauma.
There’s a no reply. I grin because it's not really that bad. The doctor confirmed that it’s just a mild case and the pain should subside fairly quickly, but Amelia doesn’t know that and I think I deserve some pity.
Amelia
Okay, I googled it. So basically you have a bruised bollock.
Me
That's right.
Amelia
Did they have to untwist it?
Me
No.
Amelia
Was it dislocated?
Me
No.
Amelia
Did they have to remove it?
Me
No
That little minx is taking the mickey!
Amelia
Ben, did they give you an ice pack and tell you to rest for a few days?
Me
Yes!
Amelia
Fucking hell. I would say grow a pair but apparently you have a pair, just some very weak ones.
The cheek.
Me
I’ll have you know they’re not weak.
I can't believe I am defending my bollocks.
Amelia
I’m not sure how to reply to that.
Me
