And to live. More than anything else, that was what I'd dreamed of for so long, but it was impossible. Girls existed. Women nurtured. The one thing none of us were allowed to do was live our lives the way men could. We might be alive, but that was not at all the same. So what did I have left?
My breath fell from my lungs as the reality crashed into me. "When will the wedding be?" I asked softly.
"The day after tomorrow."
"Tell them to announce it." I sighed, feeling the last spark of hope fizzle out. "He's as good as the next stranger, I suppose."
Mrs. Myers made a comforting noise and rubbed my shoulder again. "Did your mother tell you what to expect before she passed?"
I shook my head. "No ma'am, but we had classes, and Ms. Lawton explained to me how to know if the seed takes."
"Good." Mrs. Myers forced a smile. "If you have any questions, you can ask me. You know that, right?"
"Yes, ma'am." I had to blink a few times too many. "Do you know how to keep it from killing me?"
Mrs. Myers sighed. "Some of us are blessed to have few problems. Others aren't. I suggest prayer. Often, it helps to make the act more tolerable as well."
"And if it doesn't?"
The woman pulled her hand back just to clasp it before her. "Once you're pregnant, you get nine months of peace, and then six months for the child."
"But what about the husbands who want to breed even if his seed has already taken?" I asked.
Her eyes darted away, proving how uncomfortable she was with this topic. "Your purpose, Ayla, is to please your husband."
"But if he insists on his rights," I pressed, "then I don't have nine months of peace and six more for the child!"
She pushed out a heavy breath. "Not always, no. But if you don't fight it, then the act itself doesn't hurt."
"I saw Meri!" I hissed.
And that made her focus snap back to me. "Her husband has the right to punish her as he sees fit. If he spares the rod - "
"He spoils the wife," I finished, hating that phrase more and more each day. "But Mrs. Myers, how am I supposed to survive this?"
"By being a good wife," she assured me. "Be dutiful, meek, and subservient. If you learn to anticipate his needs, he will have no cause to punish you. If you produce children to further his line, he may even pamper you with gifts. Possibly even a reprieve from the marital bed. The better you treat your husband, Ayla, the better he will be in return."
"But my mother didn't survive," I whispered.
"Your mother," she reminded me, "had been taken by the Devil."
"Is the Devil the reason why birthing children kills us?"
The woman's mouth opened as if to answer, and then she simply paused. "No." That word brought forth another heavy sigh. "Sadly, the pain and suffering of childbirth is our punishment for the sins of Eve."
"What about the sins of men that cast us off the face of the Earth?" I shot back. "How do men suffer for that?"
Slowly, the woman licked her lips. It was as if she was struggling to answer my questions, but I wasn't about to let this go. This one conversation might be my only chance to get honest answers.
"Daring the world above is their punishment," she finally said. "The hunters often give their lives so the rest of us can be fed. Is that any different from the sacrifices we women make? At least we get to do it from the comfort of our beds."
"And die. Always die." I nodded to show I understood. "Thank you."
"If you need to talk, even if just to ease your fears, I'm always here." Mrs. Myers offered a sad smile. "I know getting married is terrifying, but you'll do fine, Ayla. You're from a strong line. This may be the burden God has given women, but you will do fine. Just don't forget this is God's work."
As soon as Mrs. Myers left, I spun, racing off for my own room without even getting a meal. I didn't care if people stopped to look. Let them talk. Right now, I really needed to be alone. I only had two more nights of freedom, and I didn't want to waste them.
If they whispered that my mother's demons had moved to me, then maybe it was for the best. Maybe it would even keep this old man from agreeing to the match - because he was the only one who could refuse. I wasn't even given that right!
What I wanted to do was run away, but it was impossible. There simply wasn't anywhere left to go! Sure, there were plenty of unused rooms and halls in the compound, but what good would it really do? Eventually, I'd have to eat, and that meant going back to the dining hall.
I stormed into my room trying to think of where else I could go. My library? No, that had the same problems as the unused rooms. The moment I came out to eat or use the washroom, I'd be caught. Worse, they might discover the books!
What about outside? No, the world above wasn't a place where people could just hide. It was cruel and hostile, ready to kill any of the Righteous who ventured into it. Which meant I only had two choices: marry Peter Morgan or die before it happened.
My fingers flew to my lips as the thought crossed my mind.
I couldn't believe I'd even thought that! Suicide was the greatest sin, and it would send me straight to Hell. But would Hell be any worse than this? Besides, if death was actually worth considering, then why wouldn't I simply risk living topside? At least then I wouldn't need to kill myself. The predators would be more than happy to do it for me.
The idea had its appeal, but what would happen to Callah? What about Meri? If I died, then would they turn to each other for support? Would they even be allowed to mourn me? Probably not, but once I was married, it would be the same.
I hadn't seen Meri in months. Since her wedding, my only glimpse of her had been when she'd snuck out to share lunch with us. The same would be true for me in a few days. Callah would be alone, left to make her own decision about the end of her life.
Those words made me pause.
The end of her life. That was what marriage was for a woman. It was death, just like being banished from the compound. Either way, a woman's control of her own future ended exactly one week after she turned twenty. Meri's had. Mine was about to. So why shouldn't I risk the unknown? In truth, I'd likely be just as dead.
Yes, the idea was terrifying, but not any more than marriage. We never survived having children. Living past forty was unheard-of for most women in the compound, and while those books spoke of an end to a woman's breeding time, I had never heard of anyone making it that long. Many wives died young. Some made it to their thirties. A few, like Mrs. Myers, had lived past thirty-five. The old woman at the quarantine? Rumor said she was in her late sixties, but supposedly she'd only lived so long because she'd been unable to produce a child.
