Why couldn’t I shut up?
“But wouldn’t she get to choose anything herself?”
“Of course,” he said, clapping a hand on my shoulder. “She could have had hobbies. But a woman’s highest vocation is as a wife and mother. Isn’t that what you want from your future wife? To be a good mother to your children?”
“If you can hear me, take a deep breath.” My hand lifted to my chest, but breathing hurt. “This is Mallory. Nothing bad is happening right now.”
When I didn’t immediately agree, emotions clogging my throat, Dad’s grip on my shoulder tightened, firm enough to bruise. “Our role as men is to protect and provide for our women. Isn’t that what you want? A woman to care for?”
“No,” the word slipped out.
“Oh my God, he's gay,” Levi said with a condescending laugh.
“I’m not gay,” I said defensively … even though I might be gay. I hadn’t figured it out.
“If you don’t like women, and you’re not gay, what are you?” Levi snickered.
The truth roiled in my gut. The exploration I’d been on for months, the slow unraveling of what felt right versus what I’d been told, the debilitating fear of how people would react … they rose and converged, and before I could push it down, the confession escaped like a release valve.
“I’m a woman.”
The truth hovered as the tension in the air thickened.
Dad’s body froze as insecurity flashed over his face, not about who I was or what that meant for my soul … but about what his congregation would whisper: ‘Did you hear about Pastor Isaac? He can’t even save his own son.’
Levi’s eyes shifted to my face, then his cackle broke the silence. He recoiled in disgust and shouted, “Gross, he’s a tranny!”
“It’s your friend Mallory. You’re in Saratoga. Can you open your eyes?”
I shook my head, rocking slowly. I couldn’t, didn’t want to …
Levi’s outburst broke Dad’s stillness.
“Don’t blaspheme in my house,” my father spat. “If this is what they teach at that liberal school, encouraging these self-centered, misguided lifestyle choices, I’m done paying for it. You’re moving home.”
“No,” I said in horror. “No, I can’t move home.”
“That’s ok, you don’t have to open your eyes. Could you move your toes? A wiggle if you can hear me. Notice how the ground feels beneath your feet.”
I pressed into the soft ground, bending my toes and flexing my heels.
“Then take it back,” my father said sternly.
I wanted to. God, I desperately wanted to claw back the words. I opened my mouth to apologize, to explain that it was a joke, to —
“No,” I said. My body refused to hold back, like trying to swallow vomit by putting your hand over your mouth, but your body forces it out.
“You always said you wanted a daughter, Dad.” I held my arms out, voice pleading. “Here she is.”
“There you go, sweetie, good work. When you’re ready to look around, I want to show you this tree farm, it’s so peaceful.”
Levi covered his mouth to disguise a malicious laugh.
Dad snarled, “You’ve let the world seduce you and become blind to the Truth.”
“If you open your eyes, I’ll show you how beautiful it is now.”
I shook my head, burrowing it into my knees.
You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.”
“That’s ok, I’ll tell you about it. The trees are, um, really tall, I guess? They’re lined up in rows. There are pine and fir or … I don’t know shit about trees. But they smell amazing. Can you take a deep breath and smell that, sweetheart?”
I did. I could. The crisp air of a winter night.
“Good breathing, honey. Again if you can, in and out.”
I took another breath.Not just the pine trees, but also … it smelled like a candy cane.
“I have no daughter.” Dad spoke in a low, cold voice, nostrils flaring. “Until you repent from these lies, you’re no longer part of this family. Get out.”
“Are you ready to open your eyes?”
I blinked into a cherubic face: soft blue eyes, rosy cheeks, strands of blonde hair escaping from a cotton candy hat. When she smiled, the lines around her eyes crinkled. “Welcome back. I’m your friend, Mallory.”
I nodded. Mallory. I liked Mallory.
“Can you take a deep breath? We do this together at yoga class. Inhale for four and exhale for eight, ok?”
