He snorted softly. “What now?”
“Why did Gigi leave me the house?”
He heaved another sigh. “Honestly?”
I nodded. “Honestly. Pretty sure we’ve moved past sparing my feelings.”
“She wanted you home. It was as simple as that. Here, with me and Ceci and the kids. And besides, I…shit.”
“Spit it out.”
“I fucking hate this house.”
I stared at him. “Bullshit.”
He shrugged. “Hate it. Hated it when we moved in, hated it the whole time we lived here, because Gigi turned me into her personal handyman…hated it because it wasn’t home.”
“Who are you and what have you done with my brother? Like, seriously.”
He stared back. “Devon, it’s as though you’ve forgotten entire swaths of our childhood or something. The first year we lived here, it was torture for me. And I get it—you were a little kid and wouldn’t have paid that much attention—but everything we did was for you. Never for me. Gigi finally figured it out after I lost it on the anniversary of our parents’ death, but this house was like a prison to me.”
I blew out a breath. “Fuck, Rick. I had no idea.”
He nodded. “Yeah, well, like I said. Pretty sure at least some of that is my fault.”
We sat in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts. How self-absorbed must I have been to never notice my brother’s pain? To never notice Gigi’s? Good god, I was so oblivious I didn’t even know she had more than one husband, and yet here I was finally understanding she had three. Three!
Our life here had been good, considering what we’d lost. And beneath all of that, Gigi was nursing the loss of multiple husbands. Or at least two. I was still confused about the first one. I searched my memories, trying to recall conversations with her about any of them.
I was a horrible granddaughter. To me, she’d always been just Gigi. I knew implicitly that I’d had a grandfather, but I couldn’t put a finger on anything other than that.
“Just how self-absorbed am I?”
Rick sipped his beer and looked at me with compassion. “I’m not in a position to answer that.”
Wow. That bad, huh? I tried a different path. “When was the last time we talked about anything that went below surface level?”
“You mean other than right now?”
I nodded.
He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “I don’t know. Maybe at your wedding? Before I walked you down the aisle?”
I shook my head. “All you said was that I looked beautiful and that Mom and Dad would’ve been so happy to see me happy.”
“And that was true.”
“And I was—happy, I mean.” I’d been so happy. Jason and I had a perfect romance. No bumps in the road, everything moving along exactly the way it was supposed to. But I’d kept our love surface-level. And when Jason wanted more, I pushed him away. I lost him before I could get my shit together.
Is that what I wanted to happen again? Push away another man who loved me? Who made my whole body and soul come to life every time I was around him?
I’d spent this whole week in a state of limbo, afraid to make a decision. Afraid, period. Afraid of letting go of the guilt over Jason. Afraid of losing Aaron. Afraid of staying still.
“Aren’t you scared?” My voice was quiet.
“Of what?”
I raised my hand and let it fall to my lap. “Life. Losing the people we love. We’ve already lost so many.” I paused. “What would you do if Ceci died?”
“Truthfully, I don’t know.” He looked around, considering, then met my eyes. “Here’s what I know. Yeah, we lost our parents. I miss them all the time. They didn’t get to see you get married, or me get married. They don’t know their grandchildren. They’ve missed out on our whole lives. But we’ve had lives, Devon. We have been given the gift of these messy lives, and we have to live them. What you’ve been doing these past five years? It’s not been living.”
I heaved out a breath. “It’s been longer than that, Rick. So much longer.”
Without another word, he opened his arms. I scooted into them, closing my eyes and letting the tears fall. I needed to admit that I’d kept myself closed off ever since Mom and Dad had died. Rick and Gigi had done their absolute best, and Jason had tried, too. But maybe they had protected me too much. Let me run too much.
And now I was faced with losing Aaron, and it was because of my own stupidity. My own fear. He’d asked me to let him in, and he’d waited patiently for me to do it. And I’d refused.
“You’ll be okay, little sis,” he said quietly. “But you have to put in the work.”
He was right. “What am I going to do?”
“About which part?”
I sniffled and laughed miserably as I sat back up. “How do I get Aaron back?”
“For starters, you have to stick around. Act like you wanna be here. Do all the shit that shows him you’re permanent.”
I swore softly. “This digging deep shit is the worst.”
