I pulled at the surrounding grass, rolling it in my hands.
“We were good, you know? You and me. Storybook stuff. The teacher and the firefighter. College sweethearts. The whole thing. We weren’t supposed to end the way we did.”
I took a breath.
“There’s a guy,” I blurted to the helmet. “His name is Aaron Joseph and you knew him and I think that’s good, right? That you knew him. He’s so good, Jason. I bet you really liked him. And I”—I sighed—“I love him. So much. It’s terrifying. He’s terrifying. I messed up, though. I’m trying to fix it, but…”
I swallowed and forced back the tears.
“The way he looked at me, Jason. Like I was the oxygen he needed to breathe. Did you ever look at me like that?”
I glanced past the headstone. Focused instead on the oak tree that towered five yards away.
“I don’t know if you did. Even if you did, I don’t guess I was in a place where I could have seen it and appreciated it.” I lowered my voice. “And I don’t think I looked at you that way, either.”
I inspected my hands. “I loved you. I still do. But I don’t think I could have loved anyone fully back then because of what happened to me as a kid. Still. You’ll always be my first love.”
I pulled out the small trowel I’d grabbed from Gigi’s set of garden tools, and moved close to the headstone. I dug a small, deep hole right beside it. When I was satisfied, I pulled the black velvet box out of my purse and rolled it around in my hands. Finally, I flipped it open.
I’d never had a diamond. Jason was never the showy type, and that had always been just fine. He didn’t really propose to me, either—at least, not in a big, romantic way. We’d been on inner tubes, going down the Cahaba River on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and he’d said, “We should get married.” Six months and two golden bands from the pawn shop later, we were.
And now I looked at those rings as they lay against the velvet. I’d regretted not burying these with him almost as soon as they lowered him into the ground. The regret was immediately chased away by guilt. How could I not want them?
But I didn’t. It’d felt right that they should be with him. Because he’d always have a piece of me, and the rings represented that.
I picked them up and pushed them onto my first finger’s knuckle, then brought them to my lips. “I love you.”
I returned them to the box, snapped it shut, and lay it carefully in the hole. The tears came then, mixing in with the dirt. When it was filled, I tamped the too-nice sod back into place, then emptied a bottle of water on top.
Satisfied with my work, I wiped my eyes and stood.
“Take care, Jason.”
A sudden breeze caressed my cheek in response.
33
DEVON
IT TOOK ANOTHER week to get everything in order. Turns out, dealing with things like loans and banks took longer than I realized, and apparently I was supposed to be grateful that it happened as quickly as it did. I’d barely slept, and I probably looked more than a little ragged. I’d managed to shower today, though, so I was calling that a win.
Jodi waved me to the counter as she stepped out from behind it. “Are you sure about this?”
“It’s been three weeks without him. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”
“Not about Aaron—I know that.” She worried her bottom lip and gestured to the crowded coffee shop. “I mean the loan to me. It’s a lot of money, Devon.”
I smiled. “Jodi. You had faith in me when I didn’t have any in myself. You’ve been nothing but supportive for years and years, even though I’ve been a self-involved brat. Loaning you the money for the shop is a small way of saying thank you. I owe you much more than this.” I shrugged. “Besides, it’s not really me you have to thank. It’s the bank for agreeing to hold off, and Price for agreeing to buy the house. And Will, too, but saying his name doesn’t make you blush.”
She blinked the tears back and swatted at me. “Shut up,” she muttered.
Laughing, I pulled her to me for a hug, one that I actually instigated for once. As she sniffed against me, I squeezed her hard. “You mean the world to me, Jodi. I’m grateful I got you as my little sister. I love you.”
She pulled away and wiped her eyes, then smiled teasingly at me. “Look at you, saying those three little words. You warming up?”
I laughed nervously. “Something like that.”
Ceci swung over and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “How are you?”
“Queasy,” I said. “I should have just done this at his house.”
“What? No way,” she said. “Besides, it was a great excuse to convince my husband we needed a sitter for many, many hours.” She winked salaciously at me.
“Okay, now I’m really queasy,” I answered. “How many times do I have to tell you to keep that mess to yourself?”
She laughed and snuggled into Rick, who’d chosen that exact moment to walk up.
The bell over the door jingled and Will and Price walked in. Instantly I stopped breathing. Forget queasy. I’d just expire on the spot.
Price broke into a wide smile and made his way to us. Behind me, Jodi squeaked, making me grin a little. Her obsession with Price was so obvious.
“He’s there,” Price said, oblivious, as always, to the way he affected Jodi. “Chief is about to send Daisy and Samson our way.” He nodded back at Will, who waved new Halloween-themed dog toys in his hands.
“You ready?” Price asked.
I forced the air into my lungs and shook my hands out. “As I’ll ever be.”
He pulled his phone out and texted Chief.
