They then attempted to turn it into a library, before remembering that Chronos College already had three libraries, despite the fact that all anyone actually needed for a library these days was access to the Global Digital Reading Archive, and a comfy armchair.1
Abandoned and neglected, the Not A Chapel Or A Library building eventually filled up with the various marvellous and chronologically obsolete objects brought back by travellers despite the unforgiving time hop process. Mostly these were small items that had been forgotten in pockets.2
There were a few highlights among the collection: half of a statue of Venus, whisked from the dying minutes of an earthquake; various drafts and fragments of Sappho’s poetry including charred medieval manuscript fragments (painstakingly copied out by one group of monks, and then nearly burnt to ashes by a slightly different group of monks); a cosmetic pot snatched from the Bonfire of the Vanities in 1497 Florence.3
Salvaged items from the past tended to be innocuous, mundane, the sort of scraps left behind (deliberately or metaphorically) in a deep-pocketed coat. One glass cabinet lovingly displayed a series of chewing gum wrappers. A mosaic constructed of coffee shop receipts was mounted on cork board. The shrine of dramatic cigarette warning labels was considered a major highlight. Best of all, there was the Pens Nicked From Famous Authors display, with Cressida’s trophies arranged on blue felt and Monterey’s on red felt.4
Lovelace found Boswell sulking underneath the Never Again exhibit, a glass case full of objects reclaimed from years that were no longer accessible due to Events.
“I see you’re handling this well,” she said gravely, crawling in beside him and curling up so that her warm fur rested against his own.
Boswell sighed loudly, or at least gave her a pained expression which implied a sigh; quite against his will, her proximity had started the purr reflex. “I’m too old for this, Lovelace.”
“Nonsense,” she said, butting him with her head. “We’re outside time, you and I.”
“Says the cat who didn’t have to read fifteen first-year essays last semester about why time hoops are round.”
“What you need is an adventure, my dear.”
“I don’t do that anymore. I can’t.”
“I know Cressida was special to you…”
“She was a maniac in trainers,” he said scornfully.
“Yes, yes,” soothed Lovelace. “They’re all very silly, these humans of ours. But they keep us young. And we keep them alive.”
She had never imagined she would become particularly fond of Monterey when they were first partnered together: she thought him a deranged scoundrel who was constantly distracted by shiny things, and pretty people. But over the years, she got attached. Even when she wanted to scratch his eyes out because his had paused in the middle of a mission to try on a set of bishop’s robes, shag Casanova (and/or steal his pen) or taste every dish at a Roman banquet so he could blog about it afterwards.5
Boswell scowled at her, an expression that looked faintly adorable when whiskers came into play. “Low blow, Lovelace.”
She butted him with her head again, harder this time. “We’ve found her, Boz. Finally, after all this time. Are you really going to leave the humans in charge of retrieving her?”
Boswell huffed. “I wouldn’t leave that lot in charge of a paper bag.”6
“Well, then,” said Lovelace. “It looks like you and I are going to 1964.”
Boswell paused long enough to make her worry, then leaned in and butted her face with his. “You’re smug when you’re right,” he complained.
“How dare you,” said Lovelace. “I’m always smug.”
1 Libraries attempted to fall out of fashion in the mid twenty-second century, but no one would allow them to do so. The protest marches were extremely well organised and documented.
2 Time travellers do, of course, brazenly attempt to steal, rescue, retrieve or transport items of interest from the time periods they visit. Time tends to allow a higher percentage of objects through the hoops if they have been forgotten in a pocket rather than deliberately stolen. See: the recent published monograph of Montgomery J Monterey “On the Subject of Whether It Is Feasible To Cheat Time’s Cruel Whims by Actively Forgetting Precious Antiquities in Large Pockets Designed Especially For This Purpose.” The monograph itself is substantially shorter than the title, comprising merely of the sentence: “Demonstrably, it is not, but trying is rather fun,” and several appendices detailing his experiments in this direction, along with a patented pattern for the Coat of Extremely Large Pockets.
3 Cressida and Boswell were sent to 1497 Florence on an experimental mission to rescue artworks from the Bonfire of the Vanities. The mission was designed and approved by Professor Valadon, then Professor of Time Mechanics at Chronos College, whose obsession with Botticelli had begun to have a detrimental effect on her life and work. When asked why they only brought back a small cosmetics pot and not one of the many Botticelli artworks famously destroyed in those fires, Traveller Boswell was heard to say: “We did rescue one, but Botticelli himself threw it back on the flames. I thought, if he wants to burn it that badly, I’m not going to fight him.”
“I was perfectly prepared to fight Botticelli,” Cressida added, in their official report. “But I didn’t think the sketch was much to write home about, so I didn’t bother.”
Professor Valadon put in her resignation shortly afterwards.
4 Early in their careers, Monterey and Cressida challenged each other to steal the most writing implements from famous writers of history. Cressida’s collection comprised fourteen pens, pencils and broken nibs that she claimed had passed through the possession of such notaries as Jane Austen, Sappho, Pliny the Younger, William Goldman and David Bowie. Monterey’s hoard, including writing implements associated with Pliny the Elder, Casanova, all three of the Bronte Sisters, William Shakespeare and Nick Cave, comprised over ninety pieces. When asked if he considered it fair to continue the challenge after Cressida’s tragic disappearance, Monterey was heard to reply: “Just because she’s probably dead is no reason not to beat her into the ground, darling.”
5 Due to the Official Secrets Act, Monterey’s food blog Anywhere But This Century And Twice As Tasty could only be read on the Chronos College intranet: exclusively accessible to staff, students and official visitors. He had a higher readership than any other publication on campus at a peak of 93%, to the point that Melusine from Admin once asked if he would publish urgent campus announcements. It was an embarrassing conversation for both of them.
6 The paper bag collection was three tables away, between the display of Lost Umbrellas and the display of These Keys Probably Aren’t Necessary To The Timeline, Right?
Thirteen
Boswell and Cressida
Nowhere, The Kingdom of the East Angles, 512 CE
“Damn,” said Cressida, tripping over a rock and splashing mud up her woollen stockings. “This air’s a bit fresher than Victorian London, Boz. Take a whiff. I feel giddy.”
Boswell, as always, refused to acknowledge the sudden change of environment. He didn’t love the feeling of sixth century mud squishing beneath him, but Hogarth from Costume was experimenting with a new spray-on sealant which would hopefully protect his dainty paws. He could do without cracks and callouses like the ones he had developed that time he spent three weeks running around Ancient Rome.
(The Caesars really did get far too much credit for their roads.)
“Did you have to wear that hat?” Boswell remarked. “You look entirely foolish.”
It was quite the feat for Cressida to have smuggled in her double-horned Viking helmet (based on Wagner’s opera, not genuine Vikings) past the reliable Hogarth.
Cressida’s ability to talk people into just about anything was one of her great skills as a traveller. Since their partnership began, she had talked herself and Boswell out of so many outrageous scrapes, disasters and on one notable occasion, the guillotine.
Boswell had learned not to underestimate her when she opened her mouth.
“It’s my own experiment,” Cressida said, patting the helmet fondly. “Is it possible to start a fashion in Britain several centuries early?”
