‘There can be too many imperfections,’ I said.
‘What do you mean, love?’
‘I mean, what happens when that is all you can see? When you can’t see the jewel but just the inclusions?’ He stared at me blankly, so I put it as clearly as I could. ‘You were very good for me. But I wasn’t good for you.’
‘What are you talking about? Is this about Daniel? It wasn’t your fault he was on his bike outside.’
‘I could have gone with him into town. Like he wanted. I was too busy reading a catalogue.’
‘So could I. But I was in the pub. Too busy drinking a pint of bitter.’
‘It was raining. I shouldn’t have let him go.’
‘Have you never seen anyone on their bike in the rain? He loved that bike. You couldn’t keep him off it.’
His words didn’t quite sink in. There was a part of me that wanted or needed to stay guilty. So I said: ‘I am talking about Aidan Jenkins.’
‘Your colleague?’
‘Yes. I had sex with him in the stock room. I really enjoyed it. But I haven’t enjoyed much since. Because I love you. And I could never have loved him.’
He nodded, nonchalantly. ‘Oh, yes. I know about that.’
‘What?’
‘He phoned once.’
‘Phoned?’
‘Drunk.’
‘Drunk?’
‘It made me feel better, to be honest.’
‘Better? How?’
‘You remember Deborah? The girl I introduced you to at the union bar?’
I vaguely did. Somehow the memory was still there after decades. Blonde, heavy-fringed, sly smile. ‘Yeah.’
‘Well, I was shagging her every Tuesday. And every Thursday.’
This took a second. ‘What? But you proposed to me.’
‘Yes. It is odd, I agree. Bloody bonkers really. I think it is the guilt. It does funny things. Anyway, I am a bit of a bastard at the moment in this shared past of ours, Grace. I have gone round her digs while you think I’m at the pub, and we share a bottle of ropey wine and we smoke because this is the seventies, and nine times out of ten we shag. All while you meet up with Claudette. One day you nearly caught us at it, remember?’
‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘Because it is the truth. The flawed truth of our love, perfect in its broken symmetry. I love you, Grace Winters, and the mistakes we made don’t make the love matter any less.’
‘Karl—’
‘You have to move on. Listen. Look at me. Look at this young me. An older version of me marries you. And we love each other, and there are really good times and really bad times and really middle-of-the-road times. And we try and fail to have children until we eventually have one, and I become a bit inattentive and irritable and resent my job and drink too much and start snoring really loudly. And you have your job, which is at least as stressful as mine, and yet I still somehow silently expect you to do most of the child-rearing and you do. And you do it well. And we pretend we are happy until we lose him. We, Grace. We. Neither of us were with him. He died. It was a tragedy, but it was also an accident the way most things are. And I am bad at grief. I shout sometimes and I hit the wall and I storm out. And I neglected you and you did something stupid. And sooner or later, everyone does something stupid…And no amount of guilt will ever undo that. And it won’t bring me back either. I am gone. And I want you to live. I want you to live.’
‘Where’s Daniel?’ I asked him. And then I said it louder, hoping Christina would hear. ‘Where’s Daniel? Can I talk to Daniel the way I talked to you? I know it wouldn’t actually be him. Just as you are not actually you. But it would be the truth of him. I need the truth. I need to see his face. Is he here?’
Karl shook his head. ‘He can’t be seen. You are still too…sad. That part of the truth is the hardest to reach. But the truth of me is I always loved you for who you were. All of you. Mistakes and all.’
Those words were powerful. I felt them quake inside me.
‘And I always loved you,’ I said, managing not to cry.
He clasped his hands together, almost in prayer. ‘I always knew, Grace. You told me everything. Even when you didn’t. But I am here to say I wasn’t perfect either. And I lived with my mistakes and forgave myself and you must too. You are needed. I love you, Grace. I always have and always will. Love doesn’t just disappear. It’s like light. It keeps travelling. But you need to move on. You don’t remember me. Your guilt always clouds your vision. To remember us, to remember the good, you have to let go, Grace. You have to live.’
‘I love you, Karl.’
‘Then, please, let go…You are not here to be perfect. None of us are. You are here to live. So let me go…’
‘Before I do, I just want to say I should have let you play your music louder. It was really great. I should have tried listening to it.’
And he smiled, broadly. His eyes shone like distant suns. It had been good to see him, but now I knew what to do. And he did too. ‘Go now. Go.’
It was time.
The Waking Child
La Presencia brought things back. It healed wounds and reversed extinctions. And that was what was happening. I was flowering through the cracks. I was coming back.
