“But back pain causes depression, Taj!” said her mother. “And depression causes back pain! It’s a loop! She’s stuck in a loop! Now she can’t work, she can’t drive, she’s stuck at home all day, she is a sitting duck for depression!”
“So we fix her back pain,” said Taj. “We don’t muck around with her brain chemistry.”
Allegra is not suicidal, absolutely not, but in the same way she now understands claustrophobia, she also has a new understanding of suicidal ideation. There have been times when she would do anything to escape the pain.
A disembodied voice says, “All right, Allegra, we’re about to begin! It’s going to get very noisy, but try to relax and press the buzzer if you need me.”
In spite of the warnings, she is still surprised by the loudness of the machine when it starts up. The noises are so comical she wants to laugh. Is someone playing a joke on her? They are like pretend sounds for a children’s spaceship toy.
Eow, eow, eow, eow.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Thump, thump, thump.
Beep, beep, beep.
The fact that these strange sounds are interspersed by snippets of Michael Bublé makes it all the weirder. How did she end up here? She thinks of the moment she took the full weight of that caftan woman’s carry-on bag, and then that day, when she’d felt so happy, Anders running, the dog on the lead, her legs tangling so unnecessarily. Nobody to blame for all this except herself.
She tries to remember all the MRI sounds so she can replay them for Jonny, and then she remembers that she and Jonny are not together anymore, or were never really together in the first place, she isn’t sure. Of course, he didn’t abandon her on the grass that day. He and Anders got her to her feet—she was nearly sobbing with the pain—and Jonny drove her home, got her into bed, and gave her two painkillers left over from last time. Her parents came over because she called them like a child. She didn’t know what else to do. Who do people call if they don’t have parents?
Jonny met her parents on the same day she made it clear she didn’t want to meet his. He was warm and friendly with them and she heard him describe himself as “Allegra’s friend.” And then he left. He has checked in twice to see how she is doing. His messages are not cold, but they are not warm either. They are neutral. Neutral is awful.
Fool, fool, fool, she taunts herself, in rhythm with the MRI noises.
—
“I’m sorry you’ve had to take time off work again for me,” says Allegra to her mother as she drives her home from the MRI.
“It is fine,” says her mother with a shrug. “I am indispensable. They know it. And my family comes first.”
Her mother has worked at the same insurance company for many years.
“How is the pain right now?” she asks.
“Seven out of ten.” Allegra shifts in her seat. “It’s bearable.”
“We will get it sorted out. Put your seat back farther. Are you having suicidal thoughts?”
Her mother has been doing research and she has learned that you should not be afraid to ask someone if they are having suicidal thoughts. Allegra is sure the research is correct, but she’s not sure you’re meant to ask the question quite as often as her mother does. It’s a little jarring.
“I’m fine,” says Allegra. She reclines her seat back. “I’m not bursting with joy, obviously.”
“Because of that boy?”
“No, because of my back,” says Allegra. She sighs. “Also because of the boy. I mucked it up.”
“Well, then you fix it,” says her mother as she weaves in and out of traffic.
Allegra says, “It might not be that easy.”
Her phone buzzes. It’s Jonny. Her heart automatically lifts at the sight of his name, but then she remembers to steel herself for another neutral, we-are-friendly-work-colleagues-who-hooked-up-for-a-while-but-that’s-all-over-now message.
It’s a link, along with a text that reads: At least try it in this life too.
“Try it in this life?” She clicks on the link and laughs a little. It’s a flight school offering trial introductory flights. He’s talking about her being a bird in a past life.
“What is it?”
“Jonny sent me a link,” explains Allegra. “He got the impression I want to train to be a pilot.”
“How did he get that impression?”
Allegra tells her the story of her conversation with Jonny on their walk. “I’m not interested in training to be a pilot,” says Allegra comfortingly.
“And why is that?” asks her mother. They stop at a light and her mother looks at her, her hands on the wheel. “Do you think because you’re a woman you can’t be a pilot?”
“Of course I don’t think that,” says Allegra. “Absolutely not.” If it was any other woman than herself she would be encouraging them. The industry needs more female pilots.
She says to her mother, “You don’t want me to be a pilot! You still go on about dentistry!”
“I haven’t mentioned that in years,” says her mother. “I’d be proud if you became a pilot! If that’s what you want, of course.”
“It’s not what I want,” says Allegra. “I’ve honestly never thought about it. Not consciously, anyway.”
“But then why did you say that to Jonny?”
Allegra says the same thing she said to him. “It’s just the first crazy thing that came into my head. It’s like saying, if I could be anything, I’d be a rock star!”
