“Well, I am,” admits Allegra. “But not because I’m suicidal. Doesn’t everyone think about jumping when they’re up high? A friend told me it’s got a name: the ‘call of the void.’ ” It wasn’t a friend, it was the ex-boyfriend who dumped her after the seafood special. “He said something about a French philosopher calling it ‘the vertigo of possibility,’ like it blows your mind that you’ve got the freedom to choose whether to live or die.”
“Sounds like a smart friend.”
“Not really,” says Allegra, and then she comes clean. “Idiot ex-boyfriend.”
“Ah,” says Jonny. “Sounds like a tosser.”
As they head down toward Watsons Bay, Jonny clears his throat. “Oh! I’ve been meaning to ask you!”
Allegra’s stomach drops. The man is a terrible actor. Whatever he is about to say is not something that he has just remembered, it is something important to him.
“My parents are having a fortieth wedding anniversary party. It’s in a couple of weeks and I wondered if you’d, uh, like to be my…plus-one? Sorry, that sounds too formal. Do you want to come and meet…uh…do you want to come?”
Home visit! He’s suggesting a home visit! The episodes of The Bachelor where the contestants do the home visits with the Bachelor’s family are so painful to watch and obviously impossible to miss. Once they meet the Bachelor’s family, the contestants are overly invested. They see themselves joining the family. They see their futures! But only one girl can win that future. At least two will have their hearts broken on national television. That’s how they get the ratings.
Allegra feels genuine panic. The lattice-topped pie was only the beginning. Meeting the family takes it to a whole new level of official. If she meets his family she will be expected to introduce him to her family. She will have to tell Anders. She will have to be in this. No more holding back. No more pretending this doesn’t mean anything, and once it means something, then she will have no cover, no defenses, and he can then choose, at any moment, straight after they’ve ordered the seafood special for two, to say, “This isn’t working for me.”
And if it hurt that much with that boyfriend, who was such a loser, how much will it hurt when Jonny does it?
“Oh!” she says. “Oh, right, when is it? I’ve just got a few things coming up so it’s possible the date might not work.” Now she’s the one speaking in an awful, false high voice.
“It’s fine,” he says coolly. “Don’t worry about it. Too soon to meet the family. Much too soon.”
“No, I wasn’t—”
“It’s fine, Allegra.” She has hurt and embarrassed him, and the sick feeling in her stomach tells her it’s too late to protect her heart anyway. She’s already overly invested. She’s all the way in. She wants the rose. She badly wants the rose, and the viewers at home are covering their faces with their hands, mortified for her.
“Jonny,” she says. She’s an idiot.
There are no other contestants, Allegra.
She has to salvage this.
Allegra hears pounding footsteps. A runner gaining ground.
“Allegra!”
She turns.
It’s Anders. He’s at the crest of the hill, running like a maniac down toward her, and he’s not a runner. His form is terrible. Jay would not approve. Arms flailing.
“Al-leg-ra!”
In an instant she understands. He’s seen her post. A horizon without a caption. The location: Australia’s most popular suicide location. So stupid of her. He thinks it’s a goodbye post. He’s probably been trying to call, but her phone has been on silent at the bottom of her bag because of trying to be present in the moment so as not to get depression, so as not to self-harm. He lives in the Eastern Suburbs so was able to get here fast.
A woman walking a giant dog is coming up the path behind Jonny in the opposite direction from Anders. The dog zigzags back and forth, frenziedly sniffing the ground: this way, now that way. The woman wears AirPods and is in the middle of a phone call.
“Is everything all right?” cries Anders as he gets closer.
He is about to clock the presence of First Officer Jonny Summers.
The woman with the dog decides to go to their left on the path they are blocking. Her dog decides to go right. Allegra tries to get out of the way of both of them while looking back and forth between Anders and Jonny. Her legs get tangled. Not with any object or person. Just her own indecision. She trips. Time goes into slow motion and there is long enough to think: Why are you falling? There is no need to fall. Stop this. Choose not to do this.
But it’s impossible. Her arms windmill madly, her feet do a foolish, slapstick pitter-patter, and the next thing, she is on the grass next to the side of the path. She can feel the outline of her squashed backpack and all the items it contains digging into her flesh.
“You okay?” Jonny leans over her, blocking the sun.
She senses it, like the shadow of a shark beneath the water. Oh, please, no. No, no, no.
“Allegra!” Anders is there now, breathing fast, bent over, hands on his knees. “I was so worried! I thought—”
“I’m fine.” She moves the tiniest fraction and there it is: huge, terrifying pain. “But I think I’ve done my back again.”
“Oh, no,” say Anders and Jonny at the same time.
She sees the next two weeks of her life unrolling and unraveling like a ball of her grandmother’s knitting wool bumping down a flight of stairs. There is nothing she can do to stop it and this time she knows what’s coming. The pain, the lack of sleep, the “pain management,” the constipation from the pain relief, the ice packs, the heat packs, the laxatives, the long dull days, the slow incremental improvements, the physical therapy appointments. No more running with Jay on the treadmill. She will miss Jay so much.
When she hurt her back the first time there was novelty in the process. She’d never experienced any kind of significant health issue before. It was interesting! But the thought of going through it all again is not interesting, it’s devastating.
Just like that, her beautiful day has flipped.
Anders is saying, “Fancy meeting you here, Jonny Summers!” in a suggestive, wink, wink, nudge, nudge way, but Jonny doesn’t smile. His shoulders are stiff. Jaw set. Anders will only see the arrogant First Officer Jonathan Summers he thinks he knows. She’s lost Jonny. It’s too late to salvage things now. There are pivotal moments in life where you don’t get a second chance if you mess up.
She closes her eyes and sees mustard-colored walls closing in on her.
Chapter 91
I told my mother I knew I would be unhappy in Perth.
