Joanna knew that Grant hadn’t chosen to call her because he craved sugar-coated conversation, so she gritted her teeth, and she just asked. “Are you afraid that if, God forbid, something happens to you, she is going to fall in love again?”
“That’s wrong isn’t it?” Grant gulped. “It’s wrong of me to want to hold on to her even when…”
“It’s human nature, Grant,” his sister cut him off. “You love her, and the thought of her being with someone else…it hurts.”
“But I should want her to be happy,” Grant shook his head. “I mean, that’s what’s gonna happen isn’t it?” Grant sighed. “Of course, that’s what’s gonna happen…she’s eighteen; she’s beautiful; she’s sweet; she’s funny… and she’s gonna have a lifetime to love another guy…”
Suddenly, Joanna was glad she was having this conversation miles away instead of sitting next to her little brother, holding him in her arms, because tears were a lot easier to hide over the telephone. Again, she was determined to offer her brother the straight talk he had sought out. “If you don’t beat this, Grant,” she said matter-of-factly, “Hailey is going to need someone to help her through. The thought of her with another guy may seem unbearable right now, but if you stop and really think about this…”
“I don’t want to think about it,” Grant sighed.
Joanna started a pot of coffee. “Grant, if the time comes that you can’t be with her anymore, you’re going to want somebody to be there for Hailey…to love her….and take care of her…”
“Of course…” Grant sighed. “Her dad, her sister, you guys…” Grant rubbed his eyes as he shook his head, feeling guilty over his own words. “I’ve got to let her go, don’t I?” he contemplated.
“Yes,” Joanna managed after a moment. “If the time comes…then yes, you have to let her go.”
“But I love her so much, Joey,” Grant said softly.
Joanna moved the phone away from her mouth and exhaled loudly, mustering the courage to continue the conversation. “The question is…do you love her enough to let her go?”
“That’s what love is isn’t it?” Grant gulped sleepily. “Doing what is best for the person you love even when it rips your guts out.”
It was time for a change of subject. “Get comfortable. Put the phone by your ear,” Joanna instructed as she walked to her bookshelf and reached for a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.
Grant lay back on his pillow, the phone tucked to his ear, and, as he did, he remembered late night, long distance calls he made to Joanna when he was a little boy. He remembered lying alone in his bed just like he was doing now and being lulled to sleep by the reassuring sound of his sister’s voice in his ear. This was how he had learned the classics…just like this…night after night. Something about hearing Joanna’s voice on the other end of the phone, though she was, at times during his childhood, several time zones away, had made him feel so safe then, and, not surprisingly, it had the same effect on him now. He situated himself under his blanket, closed his eyes and let the sound of Joanna’s voice reading from her book soothe him as he rested peacefully for the first time all night.
“What are you doing?” Hailey asked curiously as she sat down next to Grant in his hospital bed.
“I’m writing a letter,” Grant replied, taking off his glasses and sitting them on the tray in front of him. “Several letters actually. I wrote one to you, and this one’s for Leah. I just feel like that one day when she is able to understand, I want her to know how proud I am of her. I want her to know how much she was loved and how much I admired her courage.” Grant smiled at Hailey. “And I hope I get to tell her that. I hope I get to embarrass her with some over-the-top speech at her graduation party in front of all her friends…but…just in case.”
Hailey swallowed. “That’s the sweetest thing I have ever heard.”
“Well, I hope you think your letter is just as sweet,” Grant nodded.
“Let me read it,” Hailey suggested.
“No way,” Grant shook his head.
“Why not?” Hailey asked. “I mean, you wrote it to me, right?”
“Yes,” Grant answered confidently. “But if I live, you don’t get to read it until years after our fiftieth wedding anniversary or so…sensitive content and all…”
“I printed these,” Hailey said, holding up a stack of pictures. “I thought you might want to see them. Should I make you wait until we’re in our golden years as well?”
Grant reached for the pictures, smiling. “Who is this handsome guy you’re with?” he winked.
“That,” Hailey said, snuggling next to him in bed, “is the love of my life with a fancy hairdo and a fab physique that are easily replaceable. Neither of which, by the way, even rank in my top ten list of his desirable attributes.”
“Really? Those abs were top ten material,” Grant quipped.
“Keep flipping, there are more pictures,” Hailey laughed as she rolled her eyes.
Grant flipped through pictures of the two of them, and he and Hailey shared a laugh or two. “Hailey,” Grant said, suddenly sitting the pictures aside, “there is something I have been wanting to talk to you about.”
“Okay,” Hailey agreed.
Grant looked away. “If, for some reason, I didn’t beat this thing…”
“Stop,” Hailey shook her head. “We are not having this conversation.”
“We need to,” Grant insisted.
“No, we don’t need to,” Hailey contradicted.
“It won’t get any easier,” Grant sighed. “Hailey, I just need you to know…”
“Please, Grant, don’t do this,” Hailey shook her head as she walked toward the window.
“Hailey, I’m not saying this to upset you,” Grant sighed. “Please come back over here.”
“I know you’re not trying to upset me,” Hailey bit back, “but when you can’t even look me in the face while you’re talking…then maybe we’re just not ready for this talk.”
“I will never be ready,” Grant swallowed. “So, ready or not…”
Hailey walked back toward Grant. “I would rather talk about happy things. It is why I brought the pictures.”
