Cadrianna
NO MATTER HOW hard she tried, the shadow chasing Cadrianna drew nearer and nearer.
It reached for her, aiming to drag her down into the void. Perhaps even into Nocturne’s Pit. She ran on, trying to stay outside of its reach, the shadow. Finger-like tendrils clamored for her, each dripping with regret.
She checked over her shoulder, saw the shape of the shadow now: a woman. Herself.
Her shadow, built by her innermost daemons, sought her. Driving home the feelings of self-doubt, of anger, of pain, of regret. Of lies. Two larger shadows towered over her own, one in the shape of a man, the other a younger woman. Emre and Brynn. Both shadow-forms absorbed her shade, then began reaching toward her.
Cadrianna stopped, crushing her hands to her head and the shadows swallowed her.
Guilt washed over her. A killer for years, taking lives as if they had meant nothing. All in the name of protecting her daughter from the villain who had taken her beloved husband from her. A deep-rooted anger toward said husband for deeds she had falsely placed upon his shoulders, not truly understanding his tribulations and reasons for doing what he did. For a daughter she sought to save, but in truth, allowed herself to become entangled, ensnared even, by the true evil. Coming to love that evil even though every fiber of her being railed against it. But she knew now that the tolls of her deeds would forever haunt her. What pain her actions had caused. What consequences her life had created.
And it tore her apart.
The shadows of Emre and Brynn wrapped around her tighter, showing her all the kills she had on her bloodstained hands. The first at twenty-two, only two years after her capture, a low-level Guilder in Drenth. Lu Har wanted him out of the way and the man had been nothing to her. So, she did as commanded, hoping the Fallen would acknowledge her potential in her bid to protect her daughter. She had cried herself to sleep that first time, that first kill taking away the innocence of her past.
The second at twenty-three. Third a month later. Four more that summer. Her hands were covered in blood by the time she had turned twenty-five. She no longer cried after that. Even when she had been bonded to the Strix—her tithe her natural-borne womanhood—she still hadn’t cried. The daemon blade became her child, the one to replace the stolen.
It was all for Brynn.
By thirty, Cadrianna didn’t even know the number of deaths claimed by her hands, but they all paraded through her mind as the shadows of her husband and daughter clamped tighter. She enjoyed killing by the time she turned thirty-five. Every death was a token of her ability. Every life ended became a trophy in her bid to free Brynn. She was hard, callous, and unforgiving. Her soul had been empty, only filled by death.
And she knew nothing else. Except for love. Of Brynn and her hateful desire for Lu Har.
You are a monster.
She jolted awake.
Dark blue fabric filtered out dim light. Steel vertical bars over a crisscross of grating underneath her. A blade of black steel with the outstretched wings of an owl on the ground near her face. Trembling, whole body shaking. Everything around her swayed, a distinct humming sound, as well as a blaring alarm somewhere behind her.
“Hush now,” a calming voice said, as pale fingers brushed back her curls. Bracelets jingling silver and gold. Those fingers felt like fresh felled snow, cold and reassuring.
She turned her head to find Valeria Dunleith looking down on her, her head somehow in the bikromi seer’s lap.
Cadrianna reached up and took hold of the bikrome’s fingers, squeezing them. A bridge between the shadows of her past and the light of her present. She needed that support now more than ever. She closed her eyes again.
“NO TIME, CAD. GET UP.”
Strix?
“WHO ELSE? BUT THERE IS NO TIME FOR NAPS.”
I can’t, she thought as Valeria continued to soothe her. In fact, she didn’t want to ever move again.
“GET UP. MOURN FOR YOUR LOST YEARS LATER. BRYNN IS STILL OUT THERE. EMRE NEEDS YOU. THEY BOTH NEED YOU. WAKE UP!”
Awake now, and knowing what pain she’d caused, Cadrianna didn’t know how to reconcile who she’d been to who she could be. The guilt of every kill would follow her like an unwanted guest to the end of her days. She could never forgive herself for being the tool of the Fallen, to be manipulated by the desire to end a life.
The world only saw her as a monster, and did she even deserve to be anything else? Could she ever be the mother to Brynn again?
But maybe her true place was beside her beloved Emre. He seemed to be the only one who saw her for who she was. Even he hid in the shadows, his protection.
‘The shadows are your protection.’ The training she’d endured. Under Lu Har. Under Solanine. Under Thestile. ‘Never forget the truth of who you are,’ Thestile had said right before Cadrianna had killed her.
Could she drop into obscurity and never face the world she’d created?
‘Strong as stone.’ Another of her epithets bequeathed by her harsh training.
Is that what should be expected of her?
‘Trust no one.’
No, she thought. She had to learn to trust again. It was the only way she’d ever be able to make peace with everything she’d done. For Brynn. For Emre. For herself, godsdamnit. It was the only way.
And it had to start now.
“What happened?” she asked, head still rested upon the bikrome’s lap, soft skin of Valeria’s hand pressed to her cheek, before moving up toward her forehead. Cadrianna gasped as a sudden jolt of pain lanced. She reached up and felt her tender head, for she must have hit it on something hard. “I need to know what happened.”
“Ease, Cadrianna Benld,” Valeria said softly, helping Cadrianna get to her feet. “Emre blew the remaining anchors.”
Cadrianna bolted upright. Emre, the bikrome. Traitor. “You!” she hissed. She reached toward the Strix, but Valeria grabbed her wrist, encasing it in her cold hand.
“I bear you no ill.”
“You betrayed Emre.”
