“Maybe, but right now I can't change how I feel. I can't live here anymore. I have to leave. I hate this place.”
Nothing was said for a long moment. Mattie's grandmother set her cup and saucer on a table beside her chair. “Here is not so bad. And you should not leave unless you can go...walking. If it is more than that—it is too far. You should not move to the outside. It is a dangerous place. Here you have the land, the fish, and the birds. There is plenty to eat. You have friends, family. What will you do in a city?”
“I'll be fine.” Mattie knew her next words would cut at her mother and grandmother's hearts, but they needed to be said. “I hate who I am. I'm tired of people degrading me—us, just because we happen to be native. The injustice, the mocking is too much. And I'm not going to suffer it anymore. Why do you?”
“Mattie,” her mother said gently. “Most people aren't like that. We have good friends here.”
“Yes, we have friends,” Mattie conceded, “but we also have enemies who aren't afraid to let us know how they feel.”
“They are ignorant people, not enemies.” Affia met her daughter's eyes. “You can run away, but you cannot escape who you are. Everywhere you go, you will be there.”
Mattie was scared—scared that what her mother said was true and scared she would be trapped here. “No!” she burst out, then continued in a softer tone. “You're wrong. I can change my life. If I live somewhere else, it will be better. I know it will be.” She gazed out the kitchen window at the close forest. Frost sealed a cottonwood, and Mattie could feel the suffocation of the tree. She'd felt like that most of her life.
She whirled around and stared at her mother and grandmother. “You can't change my mind. I'm going. And I don't want to talk about it anymore.” She picked up her small suitcase. “I'll put this in your room, Mama.”
The weekend was more difficult than even Mattie had expected. Under an onslaught of convincing arguments, she'd nearly changed her mind more than once. Now she was on her way, moving toward freedom. She felt almost giddy, enjoying the sense of liberation.
She turned the car into what she still considered the Hasper farm. Although Jean Hasper was married to Ray Townsend, Mattie couldn't help but think of it as the Hasper place. She held no animosity toward Ray Townsend. He'd been good to Jean and the children, and he'd actually done a respectable job of farming. Still, in Mattie's mind it was the Hasper farm.
She stopped the car, turned off the engine, and climbed out. Jean stepped onto the back porch. “Mattie. How good to see you. I was hoping you'd stop by before you left.” Jean met the young woman at the bottom of the steps. Taking her hands, she said, “Come on in. Laurel's here, and I just took an apple cake out of the oven.” The two women walked into the house.
“I was so glad to see it was you.” Laurel hugged her friend. “I didn't recognize the car.”
“I bought that a couple of months ago. It's not much, but it gets me to and from work.”
Laurel stepped back and planted her hands on her hips. “I can't believe you're moving away. We'll never see you.”
“You will. I'll be home from time to time.” Mattie knew her visits would be few. Travel was far too expensive.
Brian walked in. “Seattle's a long ways away. I remember when we took the boat from there.”
“It is far away,” Mattie had to admit.
Laurel wrapped an arm around her friend's shoulders and escorted her to the front room. “Maybe I'll travel south and see you.”
They sat side by side on the sofa. “That would be wonderful. To be perfectly honest, I won't be able to come home often.”
Susie skipped into the room. “Hi, Mattie.” She crossed to the young woman and laid an arm over her shoulders. “How are you doing?”
“Good.”
Susie seemed satisfied with that answer and sat beside Mattie.
“How are your mother and grandmother taking the move?” Jean asked, handing her guest a plate with a piece of apple cake buried in whipped cream.
“Not so good. This morning was hard. Mama cried. Grandma was real quiet. You know how she can be.”
“We'll miss you,” Jean said.
The room fell silent, and Jean returned to the kitchen for more cake. Once everyone was served, she sat in the overstuffed chair.
“Where's Ray?” Mattie asked.
“Out checking traps. It's been a good season. He's figuring on doing well at the Winter Carnival.”
“I'll miss it this year.” A flicker of regret touched her.
Everyone settled down to eating. The only sound was the clinking of silver on glass plates.
Susie scraped the last crumb from her dish, then set it on the coffee table. “Why do you have to leave?”
“There's a new life waiting for me in Seattle. I've got to go and live it.”
“It might not be what you expect,” Laurel said softly. “Problems follow us no matter where we go.”
“I understand I'm not going to be a different person, but hopefully people will see me differently.”
“What's wrong with the way you are?” Susie asked indignantly. “I like you.”
Mattie smiled. “Well, thank you. But not everybody does.”
“How come?”
“There are lots of reasons.” She didn't want to get into a discussion about race.
“I don't get it.”
