With a hollowness in her chest, she stared at the freshly mounded earth. She knew her grandmother wasn't there. She was having a grand reunion. I'm sure you're at a potlatch greater than any you knew here. Mattie smiled, imagining her grandmother's joy and how she would be dancing and singing. She nearly giggled as she imagined her grandmother being flung skyward in the blanket toss. She's happy. That's what matters.
Brushing away tears, she said, “I'll carry our history with me. I won't forget. And your great-grandchildren will know you and our ancestors.”
She sniffled into her handkerchief. “I'll tell them. I promise.” She kneeled and rested a hand on the new grave. “I'll miss you.”
Mattie stood and walked to Luke, who held the baby. When she reached them, she burrowed into his free shoulder. “It hurts so much. I don't know how I'll ever get used to her being gone.”
“I know.” Luke held her. Snowflakes drifted from the gray sky, then caught by the wind, swirled around the small family.
Mattie stared up into the white eddy. “It's early for snow. Grandma loved winter. If she knew, she'd be happy.”
Holding Mattie's hand and cuddling Mara in his other arm, Luke said, “We better get up to the house. I wish I'd brought the truck.”
“It's all right. I'd like to walk.” She took the baby and set her in a sling inside her coat.
Luke studied the little girl. “I love to look at her. I never get tired of it.”
Mara whimpered and nuzzled her mother. Mattie could feel her milk come in. “I'll feed her on the way. By the time we get to the house, her tummy will be full and she'll be happy.”
“I wish my dad had lived to see her. He would have made a great grandfather.”
“I know. I wish it too.” She took Luke's hand, and with Mara suckling contentedly, they walked toward the house.
When they reached the driveway, Luke stopped. “I still can't get used to this place being called the Townsends'. It ought to be the Haspers'.” His tone was harsh.
“I've been thinking on something my grandmother said just before she died.”
“What?”
“She looked at me and said, ‘You have led the way and can help him.’ She was talking about you. Do you know what it could mean?”
“What were you talking about before that?”
“She said you needed me.”
Luke kept his eyes straight ahead. “Huh. That's strange.” Glancing at Mattie, he smiled.” 'Course, she's right. I do need you.”
Mattie nodded. She thought she understood what her grandmother had meant. Did she dare bring it up now? Snugging her gloves, she glanced at Luke. “I think I know what she wanted to say.”
“Well, spit it out.”
She took a breath. “There are things in life we don't understand, things we can't change but have to accept. Like my heritage. I used to hate it, then God opened my eyes.” She glanced at the baby. “Now I understand, and I'm glad of who I am. And I'm ready to face the people who hate me without hating back.”
“Let me guess. You want me to make peace with Ray?”
“It's time, Luke.”
He shook his head. “I can't. I've thought about it a lot, believe me. He doesn't deserve it. He took my father's life and my home. And I don't trust him.” He looked at Mattie. “I want to do the right thing, but…I'm not sure that giving in to him is the way.”
“Luke, the house wasn't yours.”
“My father would have wanted me to have it. If he'd known…” He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Anyway, now I don't have a house.”
“One day we'll have a home.”
“I don't know how we'll ever come up with enough money.”
“Something will work out. We could homestead.”
“It's a hard way to go.” He glanced at her. “Do you really want to do that?”
“It would be all right. But I'm happy now just as we are. We don't have to decide or do anything right away.”
“I want us to be out of that tiny cabin before winter sets in. It's not a fit place, not for a baby.” He looked at Mara. “I want her to have a decent life.” He blew out a breath. “Sometimes I feel like I'm still that teenager who moved here seven years ago—excited about the future and at the same time scared to death of it.”
Mattie smiled at him warmly. “Sometimes I still see that boy. You were so intense and so eager. You wanted to experience all of Alaska at once.” She took his hand. “I remember when Alex brought you home with him that first time. I thought you were the most handsome boy I'd ever met.” She paused. “I still do; only you're a man now.”
She leaned against him. “Sometimes you still get that dark look in your eyes, and I'm afraid for you.” She stared at the roadway. “If you can't forgive Ray, the anger will get bigger and bigger, and it'll hurt you in ways you cannot understand. I know. I hated people I didn't even know.”
“I'm going to treat him decently. It's just that sometimes the past gets the better of me. And if I talked to him about it, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't want to lie. I'm still mad, and I'm not about to pretend I'm not. You know the Bible verse about gnashing teeth—sometimes I feel like that, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of this.”
“Of course you will. God lives in you, and he makes everything possible.”
“It's not so easy, Mattie. Other things, stupid things, drag on me too.”
“Like what?”
“Well, sometimes I feel like a failure. Everyone around me is content and happy. You're even feeling good about being you. Adam's settled and content. Robert and Celeste aren't even married, but he's got his own place just waiting until he gets back from the war. Nothing's happening for me, us.” He grasped her hand. “I feel like something in me is missing. Otherwise, I'd be able to just forgive and get on with living.”
