“Knock when you’re ready to go check out downstairs,” I say, moving toward my door.
“Sydney,” Merl says, and I turn back to him. He’s looking at me with his big, knowing brown eyes, and I find myself twining my fingers at my waist. “I’ll knock and we can take a walk on the beach. I need to hear why you asked me to come all this way. Then we can have a tour of the facilities.” All I can do is nod. “Sydney?” I nod again. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say maybe a little too quickly. “Or at least,” I smile, “I will be.”
Merl nods like he understands, which is reassuring because I don’t…
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“I wanted to talk to you in person.” The sand is warm under my feet, still holding the heat of the day as the sky begins to darken, a few bright stars twinkle into view, and the sun offers its final salute.
“I’m listening,” Merl says, his feet also bare, as we walk along the shoreline. Our dogs romp around us, chasing each other, catching each other, wrestling and barking. Growling and pinning. Playing at violence.
Merl and I met on a beach in Mexico what feels like several lifetimes ago. He trained me in the salt and sand, in the crash of waves and the heat of the tropical sun. Merl didn’t just train my body. He taught me resilience of mind. How to reorder my thoughts so that I didn’t hate myself…at least not so much that I wanted to end myself.
“I want to change the world,” I say, the words coming out slowly, carefully, and cheesy as fuck.
Merl’s lips broaden into a warm smile. “I think you’re doing that.”
“Yes and no.” I pause, letting the thoughts I’ve been churning since that night on the sailboat find their way to the surface. “You know the essay by Audre Lorde, ‘You Can’t Dismantle the Master’s House with the Master’s Tools’.”
“Not well, tell me what it means to you.”
I huff a small laugh at his response. This guy. “I told Mulberry and Robert I planned to burn it all down.”
“Meaning?”
“Society.” I can’t help the half smile that tugs at my lips. “The world.”
“That’s one way to change it,” Merl says, teasing in his voice.
“The thing about Lorde’s essay is it is filled with anger—righteous anger.”
“Your favorite kind.”
“Don’t act like you know me.”
We both laugh. Waves lap at the shore. Silence falls between us and we walk on, the dogs circling, kicking up sand, tongues lolling out—their joy in the here-and-now infectious. My heart lifts and my hand finds its way to my stomach, my awareness shifting for the thousandth time that day to the life growing inside of me.
“Injustice is forged in fire,” I say. “Hammered in heat, and driven by fear. In order to stop it, we must use different tools. A flame will not burn this down. But it will burn,” I promise, my voice low and quiet but true.
Merl doesn’t speak; his steps remain steady, pacing with mine. His gaze is on the sand a few feet in front of him, his hands linked behind his back, long dark curls loose around his sculpted shoulders.
“My motto has been: take no shit and give no fucks,” I continue.
Merl breathes out a laugh. “That does sum it up eloquently.”
“And it hasn’t worked out totally awesome…”
Merl laughs again. “You want to change your ways, Sydney?”
“I want to change the world, Merl.”
He stops and I get a few steps before realizing he’s not following. I turn back to him. “Sydney, have you figured it out?”
“What?”
His smile is broad and joyful. “That to change the world you have to change yourself.”
I snort because…um…yeah. No. “Merl,” I roll my eyes. “I want to burn down society—”
Merl steps forward and my words cut off at the expression on his face. The light in his eyes burns with purpose. “Sydney, all these years, all the work you’ve done. Don’t you see that you have changed? Dramatically.”
“Sure.” I shrug. “I’m getting older and I’ve learned stuff…you taught me a lot. Now I do my tai chi practice because I like it rather than because you make me.” I smile up at him. His own returning smile is gentle and knowing and somehow annoying. Like he has secret insight into me that I don’t get to share. “What?” I ask, pressure building in my chest and heating my cheeks.
“As long as I’ve known you, Sydney, you’ve denied your power. Pretended like you were just some angry little girl acting impulsively for her own pleasure.”
“I am that,” I mutter, not quite ready for whatever he is going to say next, but I don’t turn and walk away. Shit, maybe I have grown. Damn Merl, such a freaking know-it-all.
“You are impulsive and rash.”
“Those two words mean the same thing and neither is particularly nice,” I point out.
Merl huffs a laugh, his eyes still holding mine—rich chocolate brown framed by long black lashes. “You’re finally getting that you are powerful beyond your physical body. That you can inspire others…and indeed change the world.”
My lips purse as if I’ve tasted something sour and my feet turn to keep walking, not comfortable with his assessment. Merl laughs as he walks next to me. “I see you’re not quite there yet.”
