I think that’s called sarcasm. That’s when somebody says mean stuff to make you look dumb. Teenagers are sarcastic all the time. I hope I never become a teenager.
The counselor said we should call him Uncle Ray. All the guys who work at Camp Ahdoanwanna are called uncle even if they’re not your uncle. Nobody knows why. I guess it’s another camp tradition.
“You boys are going to remember this summer for the rest of your lives,” said Uncle Ray. “You know why?”
“No, why?”
“Because it’s gonna be horrible!” Uncle Ray replied. “There are bugs everywhere. It’s hot, dirty, and smelly. You’ll probably get hurt. You’ll make enemies that will last a lifetime. If you’re lucky, you’ll get food poisoning so you can go home early.”
Camp sounded terrible.
“So why are you here?” Ryan asked Uncle Ray.
“I got bad grades in school,” he explained. “My parents are punishing me by forcing me to take care of you twerps.”
Uncle Ray was a real downer.
“Let’s go over the rules,” he said. “Rule number one—no candy in the bunk. It attracts bugs and mice and other non-human creatures.”
I shot a look at Candyman, and he winked at me.
“The bugs are already in here,” muttered Michael.
“Hey, I don’t make the rules,” said Uncle Ray. “Rule number two—lights out at nine o’clock sharp.”
What?! At home, I get to stay up late during the summer.
“Rule number three,” Uncle Ray said. “Every morning before breakfast, we clean up the bunk. There’s a chore wheel on the wall by the door.”
What?!
“We have to clean?”
“I don’t have to clean at home!”
“It’s not fair!”
We were all whining.
“Rule number four,” Uncle Ray said. “No whining.”
Oh, man! If you ask me, Camp Ahdoanwanna should be called Camp Jail.
“Finally,” said Uncle Ray, “you need to learn the Owl bunk cheer. Repeat after me. Hoot, hoot, hoot! We don’t give a hoot!”
“HOOT, HOOT, HOOT! WE DON’T GIVE A HOOT!” we all yelled, even though the cheer is totally lame.
“If you have any questions,” said Uncle Ray, “Ahdoanwanna hear ’em.”
“What’s that stuff hanging from the ceiling?” Neil asked.
I looked up. There were strips of yellow paper dangling down from the rafters.
“That’s flypaper,” said Uncle Ray. “It’s coated with sticky poison, so flies stick to it and die. We also have bees, ants, mice, bats, spiders, skunks, and snakes.”
Snakes?! Everybody was freaking out.
“Don’t worry,” said Uncle Ray. “If you get bitten by a snake and you die, your parents get some of their money back.”
“Do we ever get to have any fun?” asked Neil.
“Yeah,” said Uncle Ray. “Six days from now. When you go home.”
I remembered that I never got the chance to pee on the drive to camp. Now I really had to go.
“Where’s the bathroom?” I asked, looking around the bunk.
“It’s in the woods, down the road,” said Uncle Ray. “Just make a left at the rock that looks like a bear. Then make a right at the bear that looks like a rock. You can’t miss it.”
“Where’s the TV?” Neil asked.
“In your dreams,” replied Uncle Ray. “Look, it’s a camp. We don’t have a bathroom and we don’t have a TV. You know what else we don’t have?”
“What?” we all asked.
“Parents!” he replied. “So look on the bright side.”
