girlfriend came for lunch. She was about his age, looked
sensible and clean. They sat and had a pizza and a
cappuccino each. They were cuddled-up inside the
leather booth, I took their plates, they barely noticed me,
and then I saw his hand move up her thigh,
she laughed and slapped it,
Grandad, no!
So that’s what he was into.
Anyway, these lock-ins, they felt fun, the way
it can be fun to dip a toe into the dark, cold water of a
lake you’d never swim in.
I felt sciencey – you know that feeling, Ava?
Like doing field work
not that I’ve ever worked in science you
understand –
but I’ve often felt my brain
switch, put on a lab coat and observe.
Fourteen I think, was when I felt it first – some
boys from school had asked to see my breasts.
I showed them. I didn’t see why not.
We were by the reservoir, just out of town.
T-shirt raised, I watched them take me in. Time slowed. I
shivered and the bushes shivered too.
It was a trade – a swap. They got their
willies out. I took them in right back. Their corduroys,
dicks in hand, the muddy path, the cowpat by their feet.
That cloudy sky was really trying to
have a golden hour…
then two weeks later, I was walking
home just after dark with another boy, who was my
friend – a soft, large boy who had an Eeyore quality –
and he told me that the boys had told him what we’d
done.
You’ll show them but you won’t show me? He said.
Why would you want to see? I asked him,
but he sulked and said we couldn’t be friends.
And so, I did what I had done before, because why not,
Ava? I lifted my shirt for him to see. But he immediately
bent down, began to lick my nipples.
That’s when my brain put on the lab coat first.
