Shaking her head, Jane sighed and said, “No, I do not want to be rude. I still have several more sets claimed, though I started turning gentlemen down before my card was full.”
Snapping her fan shut, Lady Derby contradicted her. “Don’t be silly. I shall say that your mother has been affected by a megrim and you, being the dutiful daughter that you are, accompanied her home to care for her. They will only laud you for your sweet disposition even more. You are the season’s diamond, after all.”
Rubbing at the center of her forehead where an ache was forming, Jane groaned. “Don’t remind me.”
Coming to her side, Lady Derby gave her hand a squeeze. “You poor dear, these fools cannot see your true worth, and they are idiots for it.”
Looking at the older woman, Jane smiled in gratitude. Few people knew that Lady Derby was her Aunt Gardiner’s cousin. Both women were compassionate and intelligent in equal measures, and there was much about them that Jane wanted to emulate. She was not as close to Lady Derby as Elizabeth or Kitty were, but she had been sponsoring her for her bow before the queen and throughout all the ensuing activities.
Jane hugged Lady Derby, saying quietly, “You are a dear. I do not think I could keep my equanimity if my next partner was at all like my last one.”
Narrowing her eyes at the comment, Lady Derby asked, “Ungentlemanly or idiotic? I can do much about the first, but little about the second.”
Fighting to keep her face calm, Jane replied, “No, not ungentlemanly, merely idiotic, but I shall not worry my pretty little head about it, for I have escaped him. Thank you for helping me to escape the evening.”
“It is what I am here for, my dear.” Turning to Jane’s mother, she said, “It was lovely to chat with you again, Fanny. We really should get together for tea soon.”
“Of course. I will send you a note tomorrow.” Kissing her friend’s cheek, Fanny linked arms with Jane before walking towards the exit.
Once in the carriage, Jane relaxed into the squabs. Watching listlessly out the window into the darkness. She would be glad to get back to the Gardiners' home, where she could change into something more comfortable and try to fall asleep.
“You look done in, my dear. Are you keeping too busy a schedule?” Her mother’s voice came to her through the darkness of the rocking carriage.
“Perhaps, Mama. I have been busier before, but so many of these gatherings are superficial and without meaning and it saps me of all my joy.” Smoothing her hands down the texture of her dress in a soothing fashion, Jane sighed. “I just want to go home.”
“We should be at my brother’s soon,” her mother responded gently.
Jane wished she could be soothed by the reassurance in her mother’s voice. It was simply no longer possible. Not after a month of being hounded and treated to the superficiality of the ton. It seemed as if every day had twisted her into tighter knots. If she did not put an end to it soon, she felt as if she would snap like a too taut bowstring. “No, Mama. As much as I love Aunt and Uncle Gardiner, I do not wish to be here in London anymore. I miss my still room. I miss working in the garden, and I miss helping people who need it.”
Jane heard a sharp intake of breath come from the other side of the carriage before her mother said, “Oh Janie, I know. As hard as it was at Longbourn, there are things about it that I miss too, but you know we cannot go back.” Jane could hear the anxiety in her mother's voice at the mere mention of Longbourn and hated herself for the pain she had brought her.
As carefully as she could in a dark, rocking carriage, Jane moved to sit next to her mother to soothe her as best she could. Looping her arm through her mother’s, she snuggled into Fanny’s side. “I do not mean Longbourn, Mama. I do not mean that garden or still room. What I meant is that I yearn for the satisfaction of accomplishing those tasks. This way of life is not the way I wish to live.” Happy to feel the tension leave her mother, Jane added, “I do not want to bother Lizzie and her new husband, but we have been away from Pemberley for a month. Do you think that they would mind if we returned early?”
“I know we were trying to give the newlyweds some time to themselves, but I cannot imagine your sister being anything but thrilled to see you.” Patting her daughter’s knee, she continued, “If you are sure that this is what you want, we can begin making arrangements tomorrow.”
“Yes, Mama, I am more than sure.” Jane felt stress bleed out of her at the mere thought of being able to flee London. She began thinking of what must be done in order to leave, as well as what she might do once they arrived at Pemberley.
She continued, “Despite Aunt Gardiner's assurances that she is fine with the four of us staying with her for the season, I know it has but a strain on the household to accommodate us. I am sure we can find ways to be helpful at Pemberley.”
“I fear you might be correct.” Repositioning herself, Fanny said, “Maybe Mr. Darcy would consider allowing us to take up residence in the dower house.”
Jane laughed softly into the cool air of the night. “You know, he told you he wanted you to call him son, and if not, then William would do. He also did not want to hear of us trying to hide away in one of the cottages or the dower house. I was there when he pointed out that there are more than enough rooms in the family wing to house us all with more to spare.”
“Your sister has certainly landed herself a generous man. I do believe he is one of the good ones, Jane,” said Fanny.
“Yes, he is.” Jane thought of what a wonderful match Elizabeth and Darcy had made. Sometimes in the middle of the night, when Jane could not sleep, she would think about all that had occurred to bring them together and how much they had to overcome. Their love had been the tipping point that enabled the Bennet ladies to leave Longbourn.
Thinking of Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy caused Jane’s mind to wander to Mr. Bingley. It had been easier at the beginning of her season when he had also been in London, and she could depend on at least one gentleman at the events she attended. When he had left London to see his sister and new little nephew back in Netherfield, it had become more difficult for her.
Biting back an uneasy sigh so as to not worry her mother, Jane contemplated her relationship with Mr. Bingley. They had met at an assembly back in Meryton and Jane had quickly found him just what a man should be. He was handsome, and while Elizabeth had always leaned towards tall, dark, and handsome, Jane’s inclination had often taken another path. In fact, Mr. Bingley’s fair coloring, with striking blue eyes and wavy copper locks, suited her quite well.
Because Jane was always ready to look beneath the surface, she saw more than just his superficial appearance. He was amiable, and though he had obvious holes in his knowledge of what it was to be a landholder, he was inclined to learn to fill those gaps. When called for, he had proven himself capable in a crisis and was willing to stand up for what was right. Of least concern was his financial standing. Though Jane was aware of how crucial it was to be able to support a wife and children, Jane did not require the fine dresses and jewels that other women might find vital.
Mr. Bingley seemed to have all the qualities she wanted in a man, yet she hesitated. Jane was well aware of the fact that her mother had thought herself in love when she had married her father. Not only had it proven to be a hollow infatuation, but she had suffered for decades for her lack of insight. Jane was terrified of making such a mistake.
Jane had been grappling with her emotions, fully aware of the gravity of the decision she faced regarding marriage. As much as she wanted to marry a man she loved, she did not want emotion to lead her down an unsavory path. It was not until Mr. Bingley had left to see his sister and he had been less present in her life that she realized how much her feelings were already engaged. She missed him, his laugh, and the way he always had an encouraging smile ready, no matter the situation.
Mr. Bingley had kindly let her know that though he had feelings for her, he wanted her to have a season and not feel obligated to reciprocate. He knew she had been confined by her situation back at Longbourn and had never had the chance to even consider marriage before she met him. Her father's cruel desire to keep his family trapped in misery had stifled her thoughts of marriage. Adjusting to a world of new possibilities was proving more difficult than she had hoped. Mr. Bingley knew this and wanted to give her the chance to choose the man she wanted to be with, even if that was not him. He had encouraged her to widen her circle, have a season, and even explore who she was away from Longbourn and her father.
Jane was conflicted. She felt as though she could love Mr. Bingley, if only for his unselfish desire to help her see more of the world. Still, she worried if he saw the real Jane. More than once, she had heard him comment on how beautiful she was. Mr. Bingley was also rather fond of the word angel. Both statements had left her unsettled, though Jane had never said as much to Mr. Bingley. She knew that he was trying to compliment her, and she would never be so churlish as to complain, though it left her wondering, did he see more than her superficial beauty?
She was more than just her blonde hair and deep blue eyes. If he saw her true worth, then he might make the perfect husband. The question was, did he see everything that was her when he looked at her, or was he only seeing what was on the outside? She supposed she needed to find a way to puzzle it out.
If he was actually seeing the real Jane, shouldn’t she let herself go enough to truly fall in love? Was it something she was even capable of?
Chapter Two
Bingley attempted to keep his head resting securely against the back of the cushions of his carriage, only to be flung forward once again. Recent weather had damaged the roads and even with a carriage as well sprung as his, the ride was proving to be uncomfortable. It would be less of a hardship if he had not been so tired and out of sorts. On the road to Pemberley from Netherfield, Bingley had too much time to let his mind wander.
His time at Netherfield with his family had been both amazing and painful. His sister Louisa had come through her ordeal splendidly, according to Aunt Guthrie. Though seeing her afterward, wan and exhausted, he personally wondered what she would have looked like if she had come through poorly. He knew that childbirth was dangerous to both mother and child, so seeing them both well was a relief.
Her husband, Hurst, doted on his wife, doing everything he could to ensure that she was well and recovering from their son’s birth. It seemed that their once less than stellar relationship had grown into something more, and Bingley was happy for his sister and the love that she now had in her marriage. Watching them gaze down at their child so tenderly brought a bittersweet ache to his heart.
Bingley’s brother-in-law was so very proud of his son. They had named him Felton. Felton? It was not a name that Bingley would have chosen for his nephew, but apparently it was a Hurst family tradition to name the first-born son and heir to the estate Felton. He already had plans to teach the boy a strong right hook before he went off to school. It was the least he could do as a proud uncle.
Life with an infant was a new experience for him, but that did not mean that he wasn’t ready to try to help. He had taken many a turn with the crying babe, who was uncertain of the new world that he had been presented with. Snuggling the small lad to his chest, Bingley would walk with him about the house, trying to get him to sleep. Only caring for Felton had left him longing for things that he was uncertain he would be able to have. Bingley found himself realizing just how much he wanted a child of his own—boy or girl, it did not matter—and more than anything, he wanted that child to be Jane Bennet’s.
