He meets my eyes in the darkness, his face coloured by the neon lights from the carousel behind us, and a tiny smile plays across his features, like he’s heard the rest of the unfinished sentence, then he blinks and looks away.
‘…how much I didn’t intend to talk about work tonight?’ He finishes the sentence for me. ‘Sorry, I’m getting carried away. The tearoom excites me in a way nothing has for years, and once I get started… Well, you know shutting up isn’t my strong point.’
I reach over and slide my hand across his knee. ‘I love it too. It excites me too. All I want is for it to be mine. To have the security of being my own boss and not being answerable to someone else, with no threat of it being taken away at a moment’s notice.’
‘You will. Because every Unbirthday cake comes with an Unbirthday wish.’ He gets a candle out and pokes it into the top of the cake, then produces a little box of matches, strikes one, and leans over to light it.
I can’t help grinning at the unintentional throwback to what I did at the interview, all those weeks ago.
‘Go on.’ He pushes the cake towards me. ‘Make a wish.’
I go to protest, to say I’m a tad too old for believing in wishes, but Bram is the kind of person who makes anything seem possible, so I hold his gaze for a moment, and then close my eyes and blow the candle out.
I wish for life to continue being as magical as it’s felt since I met you.
He’s still smiling at me when I open my eyes. ‘Pretty sure I just felt a sprinkling of fairy dust. Now you know it will come true.’
‘You don’t know what I wished for. I could’ve wished for something random, like a badger to walk by.’
‘Ahh, I’ve got a pretty good idea. Although I’m going to get really suspicious if we see any badgers tonight.’
He hands me a paper plate and a plastic fork, and gets out a cake slice knife, and I can’t help watching his skilful hands as he cuts a reassuringly massive slice. You know a man is a keeper when he doesn’t skimp on cake slices. He transfers it onto the plate I’m holding out and it’s so comically heavy that I nearly drop the plate at the weight of it.
I can’t help looking at the smile lines around his eyes as he cuts a piece for himself too, and I think about how when I first met him, I thought he was someone who smiles and laughs a lot, and it makes me appreciate how much he’s made me smile and laugh over the last couple of months, and how flipping lucky I got that day I opened the door to find the Mad Hatter outside, and of all the Mad Hatters in all the world, mine turned out to be him.
‘Always time for tea.’ I blink back to reality to find he’s pulled out a Thermos flask and is holding out a steaming cup of tea in a plastic mug, sounding like it’s not the first time he’s tried to get my attention.
I take it from him and he pours another one out for himself and then holds it up to toast against mine. ‘Cheers to…’
There seem to be an equal amount of things to celebrate and dread. The catering has gone so incredibly well that, minus any Mr-Hastings-related curveballs, surely, surely he will consider the trial passed. Then the tearoom will be mine. And my love of baking has come back with a vengeance. The wedding catering has left me with no choice but to get over my hang-ups and get back in the kitchen. Things I’ve known for years but had forgotten have come back to me, and I’ve rediscovered the joy of baking, rather than being scared of something going wrong, and it’s been wonderfully fun, all because of Bram. But there’s the sabotage too. The inspection this coming Friday… but I don’t want to think of negative things tonight. He’s gone to so much effort to make this night truly beautiful, and I want to revel in it rather than run myself mentally ragged on a collection of ‘what ifs’ and worst-case scenarios.
‘All things Wonderland.’ He fills in the answer, like he can tell I’m struggling to come up with one.
‘And to people who bring a touch of magic into the world.’ I clink my cup against his pointedly, and he smiles like it’s the best answer he could’ve hoped to hear.
I dig my fork into the cake. ‘Oh my God, Bram. How do you do that? That is gorgeous.’
It’s the most delicious melt-in-the-mouth rich vanilla cake, with soft buttercream and sweet fondant, like a birthday cake you can eat on any day of the year. A perfect Unbirthday cake.
He blushes, and it’s not just the red lights reflecting from the carousel. It’s stopped turning now and the music has stopped too, but the lights are still shining, illuminating the outlines of the carousel, like a giant nightlight lighting up our little picnic area, and it’s by far the most romantic moment of my life.
We finish our cake and tea without really saying anything. He’s quiet. I get the impression he’s thinking about something, and I don’t want to push him if he’s not ready to talk. ‘This is like a fairy tale. Never imagined we’d have Ever After Street all to ourselves or a private showing of the carousel. Thank you for doing this.’
‘I wanted to thank you. I think my little sister getting married has made me a bit reflective, so can you bear with me being soppy and weird for a minute?’ He gives me a smile, but it’s muted enough that I know he’s struggling to come up with the right words. He holds his hand out across the blanket and I slip my fingers into it, and his thumb rubs over the backs of them. ‘Thank you for liking me.’
‘Br—’ I go to admonish him for saying something so daft, but I stop myself because he asked me to bear with him without interrupting.
‘After Tabby, I didn’t think I’d ever let anyone into my life again. I thought I’d rather be alone forever than go through that again. And then you appeared and it just happened. I never even thought about opening up to you – I just was open with you. It’s a hollowing, lonely feeling to perpetually be told that my preferences and judgements aren’t good enough. For a long time, I’ve hidden behind magic tricks and a wild and loud persona, because the real me isn’t good enough for some members of my family. I’ve tried to tell myself that I’m enough just as I am, but I’ve never really believed it, until you came along. I carry my father’s list of my faults around like a metaphorical chain hanging from my neck. Tabby reinforced that chain and made it stronger and heavier. You’ve torn it apart. Day by day, you’ve taken every link out. So many times, I’ve thought about giving up – doing what he wants, becoming who he wishes I was and giving up on myself, and every day you’ve reminded me of why I won’t do that. You’ve made it all feel worthwhile because I know you like me, and you have no idea how long it’s been since I felt that anyone would ever accept me. Hanging out with Marnie and Darcy the other day and being accepted as I am… that was wonderful, and I never would have done that without you. My father has made me question everything about myself, to the point where I never thought I’d trust my own judgement again, but you’ve given me back confidence in my own authority. Thank you.’ He’s looking at our joined hands as he speaks. His voice is shaking, and I think my nails are slicing into his fingers where my hand is curled so tightly around his.
‘You have no idea how much I needed you.’ I didn’t realise I was going to cry until tears fill my eyes. ‘For the past couple of years, I’ve hidden away and avoided the world. I may as well have not existed. I didn’t know how to get out of that rut. When I started helping Marnie out at the bookshop last year, it was great while I was there, but then I’d go home and slip back into the rut again. Every time I was at home, it got harder and harder to go out again. And then I burnt the kitchen and got evicted and Marnie was the only person I could turn to, because I’ve pushed everyone else away. It made me realise that I wanted to live life again. The Wonderland Teapot was a last-ditch attempt to force myself back into the world, to do something I’d always wanted to do, and even that, she had to push me into. And then there was you. You’ve filled every day with so much joy. You’ve reminded me of who I used to be and the things I used to love, and you’ve made it okay to be childish and silly and find joy in simple things. You’ve helped me so much. Baking at your house every evening hasn’t given me a chance to go home and dwell. You’ve never made me feel belittled for living in a caravan, or ridiculous for trying to take on a tearoom with no kitchen and long-forgotten baking skills. You’ve simply believed in me. You’ve made life happy again.’ There are tears rolling down my cheeks and his eyes have filled up too. ‘So don’t you dare thank me for liking you, because it’s impossible not to like you. God, I so much more than like you. Everything about you is exactly as it should be. You’re human sunshine.’
Before I realise he’s going to move, he’s scrambled across the blanket and pulled me into the tightest hug. I kneel up to meet him, wrapping my arms around his body, my hand automatically finding its way to his soft hair and tangling in it.
His breath shudders against my shoulder. ‘If I live to be a hundred, no one will ever say anything that nice about me again. Thank you.’
His lips brush against my neck, and he curls even tighter around me, and I breathe him in. The butterflies that have been flitting around inside me since he knocked on the caravan door go still, like they’ve been soothed by the warm blanket of his body, because everything about being in his arms feels right, and I never want to be anywhere else.
My fingers play with his hair, stroking down to the nape of his neck and back again, making him shiver, and his hand has slid under my coat so his palm is spread open on my back, holding me as close as physically possible, his skin burning hot through the thin material of my pyjama top. His other hand is entwined in the knot my hair is in. I’ve never known anyone who can put so much emotion into a hug as Bram does.
‘Cleo,’ he murmurs after a few long minutes. ‘We need to get up and ride the carousel right now, because if we don’t, I’m going to kiss you…’
The typical Bram honesty makes me smile. I want to. Leaping leopards, I want to. I’ve never wanted anything more. It would be so, so easy to pull back now and kiss him, but at the same time, I freeze up. Everything seems so up in the air. He’s such a huge part of the tearoom, and there’s so much uncertainty with the inspection next week, and he’s all tangled up in that, and kissing him would make things even more complicated than they are already, and…
I hesitate for long enough that he releases me and pulls away, getting quickly to his feet.
‘Bram, don’t,’ I say hoarsely, but I know him well enough to know that he’s not going to kiss someone unless they want to kiss him, and I didn’t respond quickly enough to make that clear.
‘I promised you a midnight ride on the carousel and it’s… well, it’s not midnight any longer.’ He holds his hand out to pull me up and I squeeze his fingers as I slip mine into his, hopefully tight enough to make him realise that I hesitated for so many reasons and none of them were because I didn’t want to kiss him.
‘Sorry, Cleo. I say so many stupid things, can we just write that off as one of them?’ He drops my hand faster than ever before. ‘We should… you know… enjoy this. I had to bribe Joshy to give up his keys for the night with a Reese’s peanut butter cup cheesecake all to himself, so choose your noble steed.’
The interior of the carousel is brightly lit and I can see how red his face has gone, and instead of pushing it, I place a hand on the nearest horse and inelegantly clamber on.
‘Be right back.’ The carousel is operated by a control panel in the centre, a fair few horses away, and he winks at me with a familiar cheeky wink, and it eases the weird tension that’s sprung up between us and sets the butterflies soaring again.
I wrap my hands around the pole my horse is mounted on and watch as he turns his keys and the carousel judders into life. ‘When You Wish Upon a Star’ plays as we start turning slowly and my horse moves gently up and down. I can’t take my eyes off Bram, using the poles to keep his balance as he walks back along the moving carousel.
When he reaches me, he swings a leg over the horse next to mine and grins at me, and I appreciate how awkward things could’ve got after that kiss comment, and how he didn’t make them so.
