He nodded.
“And you’ve done nothing?”
“It was just this morning!”
“You two are fucking stupid,” she announced.
And all Hendrik could say was, “Yeah. Well, I know for sure I am. He might have a point, I’m just not sure what it is.”
“He’s certainly trying to make it tonight.” Her frown deepened.
“No. He’s like that, I’m telling you, he—”
“Hendrik, pull your head out of your ass. He’s been chatting up a storm to everyone but you this whole little hike, and now he chooses the exact moment you’re standing there looking at him like a lost puppy to flirt with a man who’s clearly not interested in him?”
“Gareth could be—”
“Gareth has two partners back home, and every time he finds someone attractive on the road it just makes him miss them more.”
“How do you know?” Hen snorted.
“We traveled with him from Oak Grove Conservancy. We may have gotten a little tipsy once or twice on the way.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I guarantee you, Dagan knows that too. He’s doing it on purpose.”
Hen shook his head. “Okay, fine. That still doesn’t mean anything to me.”
She watched him, eyes narrowed for a long moment, then said, “Is that what you tell yourself?”
“What?”
“Are you trying to keep him at a distance? Is this about protecting yourself?”
Hendrik blinked rapidly but couldn’t keep up. “I don’t understand.”
“You really think he’s trying to bed-hop right now?”
“He will eventually,” Hen said before he could stop it. Why did he keep doing that, saying things that made Dagan sound like a thoughtless prick? It felt so bad, but he couldn’t stop himself, and he hated it.
“I knew it.” Kajja shook her head instead of sounding triumphant, like she normally would. “You know he won’t. But you keep telling yourself he will, because it’s scary, isn’t it?”
“What’s scary?” A faint flush of anger melted the ice in his belly, now.
“Letting someone in. After all that loss, all that pain. I know I can’t really understand, but I can imagine. It’s hard.”
Hen stared stupidly for a long moment. Was that why? Really? Burning stone, that was pathetic, if it was true.
And yet, he couldn’t say it wasn’t. He wanted to imagine his future. But he also wanted to know that it would last if he allowed himself to. And he couldn’t. No one could.
Fuck.
“Have you ever told him that you don’t want to share him?” Kajja asked.
“We’ve barely even—”
“Have you?” she interrupted, crossing her arms over her chest.
“No,” he admitted.
“Why not?”
“Because it might give him second thoughts about—about us.” Even as he said it, though, it didn’t ring true. It was a possibility, yes. But he had no real evidence that Dagan was interested in anyone else. Or he hadn’t until tonight, anyhow.
“Do you really think that? Have you really spent a moon and a half with this incredibly honorable, compassionate, kind man—”
“You just said he was flirting to make a point to me. How is that kind?”
“Well, he’s also a petty bitch, apparently, but—”
“Stop.” Hendrik took a deep breath, hating how shaky it felt. “Please. I can’t right now, Kaj.”
She must’ve seen how close he was to losing it, because she went uncharacteristically quiet for a moment. Then, finally, she said, “Just think about what I said. I’m not saying this is on you; he fucked up tonight. But I am saying you need to ask yourself why you want to believe he’s just looking to drop you. Anyone can see he’s disordered over your dumb ass.”
Hendrik just shook his head. Okay, so she wasn’t wrong about him trying to protect himself, maybe. But as an overall explanation for Dagan being cold to him and hot to everyone else, right in front of him? “I don’t get it. But I’ll think about it. Now please, I just want to be alone for a while.”
“Do you?” She didn’t wait for the answer, though. She left him standing alone in the pines, looking after her and wishing he hadn’t told her to go.
It couldn’t have been a half-hour later when footsteps approached again, this time as Hendrik lay curled on the blankets, eyes shut. He recognized the sound of Dagan’s soft leather boots and light step; Hen held still, hoping-but-not that Dagan would think he was asleep and go away.
Dagan’s pack rustled. After a moment, he finally said, “I know you’re awake. I can tell from your breathing.”
