“What?”
“Justine Roberts-Paretti, if she’ll have me.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. Suppose she rejects me. She would have every right, and I can’t risk wanting her and not being able to have her, Derrick. I don’t know what to do.”
Derrick turned the television off. “I would think the answer is simple. Use your intuition; see what the wind tells you.”
“This time I think it’s my heart I need to have a sit-down talk with.”
“Just go to her and get it over with, man. You heard the wonderful things she said about you. Words like that can mean only one thing—that girl is still in love with you. It doesn’t take a genius or shaman to figure that out.”
“Maybe, but there’s more to it than that. After I make the jewelry run to Santa Fe, perhaps I’ll know what to do. That’ll give me time to think, gather some nerves, and then maybe I can convince her I’m not the animal who bit into her jugular at the hospital.”
“She already knows that. Didn’t she explain anything to you in her letter?”
“Yes, but seeing each other face to face could be another matter altogether.”
“You’ll never know unless you try. Right? Do you love her enough to try?”
“Look at my face and tell me.”
Derrick stood and grabbed his brother’s shoulder. “Yep! Looks like love to me. The thing to do now is confess it again to her—if you still have the nerve.”
25
POWWOW PANDEMONIUM
November 8
After a grueling Saturday of photo shoots, Justine did not feel like going anywhere. But it was the powwow and she knew she would enjoy it once there, even though it would remind her of Darrius. She hadn’t heard from him since that awful day at the hospital. He hadn’t even responded to the newspaper she sent. Did he even like it? There had been no call, no postcard, not even a simple email. Days after she knew he’d received the paper and she still hadn’t heard from him, she knew they were through!
She no longer cried in Fara’s arms, but she never removed the bracelet he had given her. She seemed to need a reason to remember him, as if her aching heart wasn’t reminder enough! And now she had to go to the powwow. Had it been a gift from anyone but Fara, she would have cancelled.
Fara was to pick her up at seven and she wanted to be ready, physically and emotionally. Emotionally was the hard part. Justine looked at her face in the mirror and saw way more than a young woman tired from a hectic day at work. There were lines around her eyes, worry creases on her forehead. They had been there since leaving New Mexico, and the only remedy for them was being in Darrius’s arms.
As the water drenched her body and awakened her senses to the lovely April Rains shower gel, her hand traveled over her naked body, touching places she had forgotten she had. And there Darrius was, as if he was actually standing there naked and wet. She could see him, smell his natural aroma, feel him touching delicate and aroused parts of her body. Her own hands traveled to her breasts, squeezing them, heightening the sensitive buds. She hadn’t allowed herself to become excited over the idea of Darrius since New Mexico, but there he was, and again she was his slave.
Her nipples swelled even more in her hands as she imagined they were his. She was no longer in a shower, in her loft in the middle of downtown San Francisco—she had leapt straight into Indian country and landed in the arms of her past lover.
Velvety April-scented hands encircled her breasts, and then slid down her sides and slender hips as his had done back when she was alive. She was alive now, and yearned to become supernatural with one touch to her sex. No, she couldn’t go there, wouldn’t go there! Sure, she had already entered his world, but for some reason, touching her sex, one he had toyed, browsed, claimed, she felt it would take her over the edge and into a realm of continuous tears.
She went there, anyway, slowly touching wet, warm feminine folds dying to be pleasured by the touch of one man. Slowly, her fingers traveled to the secret place, rubbing, stroking, seeing Darrius’s excited, sensuous face kissing her. The friction peaked with each stroke and brought her to an enormous orgasm. She hadn’t had one since kissing Darrius the night before the accident at Red Rock.
It was hard to determine whether the wetness on her face was from the shower, or a mixture of tears from pleasure and sadness. Sadness. She leaned against the shower wall and let go, crying, almost out of control, sinking to her knees. Then suddenly, she looked around and saw herself in the most pitiful state she’d ever been in. Almost immediately, she rose, reached for her towel and dried her tears.
* * *
Justine eagerly jumped into Fara’s Saturn as if she hadn’t had the most awful crying spell of her life. But, her tears had faded away, and suddenly she was ready for the powwow.
Fara looked at Justine’s perfectly made-up face and asked, “Okay, what’s the problem?”
That took her by surprise, having thought she had done an excellent job of covering up pain. “What are you talking about?”
“I see something in your eyes. You don’t want to go, do you?”
“Yes, I do, and I know what you’re thinking, that the powwow will make me sad.”
“Am I right?”
“You would have been earlier, but I’m fine now. I’m actually excited about seeing the dances and buying more things. They have the most incredible—”
“Justine! Really, are you going to be okay? It won’t hurt me if we don’t go.”
Justine settled against the seat, looking straight ahead with a dreamy, far-away look. “I should go, help myself get over him, and maybe this is the way to do it.”
For the first time since she started going to area powwows a few years ago, the dancing would be the main event to watch. When she and her mother had gone, their first order of business was to check out the native wears, take whatever photos she could, and then, as an afterthought, sit and watch the ceremonies. The colors and dance steps fascinated her so she stayed, took in the festivities. As the years passed, she found other reasons to attend the smaller powwows.
Justine took a seat in one of the upper bleachers in the expo center near the drums and waited for the Grand Entry to start. Fara had gone to fetch buffalo burgers—something they had both come to love. After standing for the veteran tribute, she tried to concentrate on the beating drums as the men pounded a ceremonial tribute. But she kept seeing Darrius among the drummers. She knew this would happen. Every man she saw would resemble her lover. That, she expected, and was almost the reason she didn’t attend.
Fara returned and handed her a paper cup of tea and the burger. “Hey, don’t you want to walk around and see the goodies first? I saw The Mountain T-shirts on the other side, and they have more great designs this year.”
Justine’s voice was listless, a hint of despair choking her words. “No, I basically came to watch the dances more than anything. Maybe after the Grand Entry we can look around.”
Fara pulled out the schedule of events. “Yeah, that’s good timing because the storytelling is next, and we can hear that from anywhere in here.”
She stared at Justine’s profile, feeling sorry for her lovesick friend. Trying to ease her woes, she nudged her shoulder and asked, “So, have you seen his look-alike yet?”
