But we aren’t. We don’t choose. We don’t think we deserve it. We keep searching, and we keep narrating, and we keep living as though we have a tomorrow to live out all these grand fantasies and promises to ourselves, when the reality is that unless we stop today we’ll live forever on the promise of tomorrow. These are daydreams. They’re visions and hopes and
issues that don’t exist. The minute you start thinking of the past or future, realize that it’s only a thought of a thing, a thought that’s happening in a now. A now that we’re missing.
Tomorrow never changes us. Our jobs never change us. Our relationships don’t, either. Our problems change as the things in our lives do. The issues we take are reflections of what’s wrong with us, the people we hate reflections of our insecurities. No matter how many things come and go, we take the same issues and hate the same people for the same reasons, and never stop to realize that it’s not them that we hate; it’s the parts of us they force us to recognize.
You have to stop living for how other people will remember you. Stop living by telling yourself the story that you think other people will be happy reading. Because it’s an empty and lifeless one, and it robs you of the thing you’re most seeking when you do it. The most important thing is that you do what makes you happy—and that you understand that your happiness is your choice and your responsibility alone. It is not a day or a job or a relationship or a change away, it’s right now. The only work to do is to remove the blocks that prevent you from living it out. The only change that has to happen is to you.
The untold millions of little moments are what matter. It’s not about having a job; it’s about having a life that you want to live. It’s not about having a degree; it’s about the nights you finally felt the opposite of loneliness. It’s not about having a relationship; it’s about being in one. And it’s not about living a life that other people can sum up comfortably; it’s about having a life wherein those millions of moments build and corroborate with one another—and you follow them—and have more. You won’t be there to hear the stories and eulogies they tell of you—you’re only here to know them now.
84
HOW TO THINK
for yourself:
AN 8-STEP GUIDE
Most of the thoughts you experience in a day are not unique or self-generated. Our minds are like computer programs: They seek out, repeat, and believe what they are told to.
Few people recognize how deeply their thinking is conditioned, and they assume their thoughts and subsequent feelings are a part of who they are (and so they defend them, passionately). Learning to think for yourself is something you must consciously choose, and very few people do. Here are a few steps to guide you through it, assuming you dissect one idea (or opinion) at a time:
01. Decipher the origin of the opinion. Recall the first time you experienced it.
For example, if you remember being in second grade and hearing a parent say that anybody who isn’t pro-life is a murderer, you probably had a very strong reaction to it, being all of seven years old. Figuring out the origin of your thoughts, ideas, and beliefs shows you how often they are not your own realization or discovery, but someone else’s imposition.
02. Determine whether or not your evidence is based in emotion or reason.
What are the supporting arguments for your opinion or idea? If they are emotion-based, are the feelings yours or someone else’s? If neither, what are the facts that inform your belief?
03. Ask yourself who the opinion benefits.
Is it anybody (or anything) but either you or the general good of humankind?
04. Consider why opposing ideas could be valid.
This is probably the most crucial part, and yet very few people have the wherewithal to consider and discuss opposing ideas without feeling absolutely enraged. (It’s what happens when we identify with our thoughts too deeply.) Regardless, seriously sit down and try to understand the logic, reason, or fear of opposing opinions without passing judgment.
05. Recognize why you feel the way you do about it.
Unless you are a trained expert on the topic, any strong emotions that accompany your opinion on it are usually strictly personal (and therefore keep you away from being objective and realistic). It would take years and an extraordinary amount of research (at the level of Ph.D. candidacy) to be in a position to truly understand a nuanced issue enough to have an extremely strong feeling about it.
06. Research.
If you are as passionate as you claim to be about a particular idea, research it and make sure your ideas aren’t unfounded. Then follow a few reputable newspapers, unbiased news sources, and research centers to keep yourself up to date with what’s being discovered and discussed in the world.
07. Ask yourself what the outcome would be if everybody in the world thought the way you do.
It’s the best way to determine whether or not an idea only benefits your ego.
08. Envision your most actualized self: What would they think, if not this?
Imagining what your best self would say about an issue is a pretty good way to determine what you should shift your mindset toward.
85
THE VERY
IMPORTANT
REASON WHY
we choose to
LOVE PEOPLE
who cannot
LOVE US BACK
The purpose of a relationship is not to be loved perfectly, or forever. It is not to have our every whim and wish met and fulfilled. It is not to be completed, or to have our minds and hearts fueled by the hormonal stimulation we think is the feeling of love. The purpose of a relationship is not the universe’s way of saying, “You’re worthy, and here’s someone to prove it.”
The purpose of a relationship is to see ourselves completely. It is to see the parts of ourselves that we are otherwise unconscious of. The purpose of a relationship is to infuriate and overjoy and destroy us so we can see what angers us, what thrills us, and where we need to give ourselves love. The purpose of a relationship is not to fix us, or heal us, or to make us whole and happy; it is to show us where we need fixing and what parts of us are still broken, and perhaps the most brutal of all: that nobody can do this work, or make us happy, but ourselves.
We choose to love people who cannot love us back to teach ourselves that we are, in fact, worthy of being loved back. We choose these people because they represent the parts of us that we don’t love—why else would we waste our time on people who don’t return our affection? We choose to love these people because they are the only ones with whom we share an intimate connection deep enough that it can awaken and illuminate the darkest corners of ourselves, and they are the only ones who can leave and let us do what we are here to do: resolve and actualize and heal them on our own.
It is not the nature of love that people struggle with, but what it is designed to do. Most of our turmoil simply comes from never having been told that love will keep breaking our hearts until they open, and that we will be the ones throwing ourselves in again and again.
Our life partners are the people who come after the love that opens us. Our big loves are the loves that emerge after we think we’ve lost them already.
