03. We are more inherently fascinated by the negative in the world because we do not understand it.
Because we do not understand the purpose or reason for pain and negativity, we find it unknown and mysterious, therefore, more crucial to attend to.
We’re fascinated by the intensity of something we don’t understand, so we end up fueling it more and more simply by paying attention to it.
89
THE PHILOSOPHY
OF NON-RESISTANCE:
THE DIFFERENCE
between
“GOING WITH
THE FLOW”
and becoming
A DOORMAT
When the Western Zen renaissance began in the 50s (a movement to which many have credited Alan Watts's work for inspiring) it was a manifestation aligned precisely what ancient teachings hoped and intended for humanity: to adopt it into our lifestyle. Yet an essence got lost in translation. We began to interpret spirituality from the perspective of the ego when it was not designed for that, and we do not realize we are doing it because it is the only thing we know.
Take, for example, the concept of non-resistance. From our understanding, it is the process of consciously releasing expectations and attachments to outcomes (which the Taoists argue is the root of all suffering).
Yet we don’t really know what it means to be non-resistant, so we regard it as a sort of “ego surrender,” where our idea of “letting go” spirals into
“surrounding control of life and simply allowing whatever, no matter how terrible!” This is how the misperception that spirituality is passive and lazy is born.
The way that non-resistance was intended to be practiced was by striking a fine balance between what you can and cannot control in your life. To put it metaphorically, it is to steer the ship along with the current, not against it.
It does not mean to surrender all control or effort, it simply means to wield it more wisely.
This is such an exemplary way to characterize the nature of the ego, but as tradition would teach, the ego is not “bad” (that is another Western
stereotype). The ego serves an absolutely crucial purpose; it is simply a matter of recognizing that and surrendering to it, rather than our fear and lack of awareness. In this case, it is realizing that the path of non-resistance does not call for us to completely surrender to “whatever” happens in life.
Rather, it is to be discerning about how we exert control and realize the fact that the “current” is more powerful than we are. We can either stage a fight we’ll always lose or let ourselves be carried.
90
YOU HAVE TO
BE KINDEST TO
YOURSELF
when it seems
LEAST DESERVED
We believe that being cruel to ourselves is a self-preservation tactic. We pick out our flaws because we are survivalists by nature. We have an itch to be aware of what other people could deem unworthy and insufficient. So we dwell on every possible flaw someone could rip apart and use against us.
But it never makes us stronger. It doesn’t make us immune to someone doing so simply because we got there first. Believing what other people could say before they say it doesn’t give us a defense against it.
You have to stop believing that you need other people’s permission to be okay with yourself. That however you do or don’t align with what other people value determines your worth. That however the world does or doesn’t show you kindness is a direct reflection of how much you deserve it. You have to be kind to yourself. Even, and probably most especially, when it seems least deserved.
Telling ourselves everything other people could possibly use against us doesn’t numb us to it. It only makes us believe we are worth those words and that those accusations would be valid. Besides, there are so many variables to whether or not someone will grace you with their approval and praise that it’s nearly impossible to blanket over everyone and everything completely and universally. And that’s what’s required if validation is to be sought: certainty. The exact kind we can’t find in ourselves.
But people’s opinions, especially negative ones, largely stem from what they know they don’t have and can’t do. You eventually have to stop basing your self-worth on the insecurities of others and start basing it on your own genuine convictions, no matter how long it takes for you to find them. I always knew that my belief that I wasn’t worth it wasn’t the reason I played my own antagonist. My fear of being hurt by other people was.
The only way you can ever really heal or find some sense of genuine contentment is in narrating your life as someone who loves you would.
Because you should love you. So today, while I was getting down on myself for something writing-related (because that’s how life works sometimes), I was about to text my one friend who always encourages me and tells me to keep going, but I realized: Why can’t I tell myself what she’s going to say?
Why do I have to wait for someone else to give me those words? It’s not that I shouldn’t appreciate her encouragement, but why do I value the thoughts and opinions of other people more than I do my own?
It’s a shift of mindset. In that respect, it’s a choice. It’s choosing to get help, to move away, to end a relationship, to rekindle one again. It’s feeding yourself and making sure you get enough sleep. It’s tenderly, constantly reminding yourself that you are going to be okay; not because you’re delusional, not because that’s what everyone says, but because “okay” is where we all end up. Not because anybody else tells us that we will. But because we find it on our own and learn to believe it for ourselves.
91
THE 15 MOST
COMMON
types of
