“...Are you alright?”
Cessilia nodded slowly against his shoulders. She truly was. A bit tired, but happy, her heart at ease. She heard Ashen sigh, and his lips kissed her shoulders. He pulled out, making her grimace. She felt strangely empty, but her body needed a bit of a break from his presence inside.
“Damn it,” he groaned.
“Ashen?”
“...I came inside. Sorry...”
He sighed again, but Cessilia wasn’t happy with that. She moved away to look at his annoyed expression.
“Why d-do you apologize?”
He made a sour expression.
“I don’t want to get you pregnant, Cessilia.”
“Why n-not?” she protested, almost vexed.
Cessilia had always wanted children. Not as many as her mother, but as someone who had helped raise her younger siblings, she knew a bit about the happiness of raising a baby. She was aware she was still young, but she thought of herself as mature and aware enough to become a mother, and her own mom was pregnant with her firstborn when she was even younger than Cessilia. Moreover, Ashen was a King, and he would need heirs as soon as possible, probably. He was older than her by over four years too. Cessilia had dreamt the father of her children would be him, just like she wanted to be the mother of his children. Hearing him say he didn’t want her to be pregnant was hurtful.
Ashen realized one second too late he had misspoken and made her upset. His black eyes opened wide, and right after, he avoided her gaze for a second and shook his head.
“It’s not that I don’t want a child with you,” he explained. “Just... not now.”
“It t-takes several months t-to conceive a baby,” she retorted. “B-By then, I’m sure we will b-be done with the c-competition and the c-clans’ opposition too...”
“It’s not about the competition or the clans. I’m the one who’s not ready, Cessilia.”
There was something painful in his tone that made her calm down instantly. Ashen wasn’t against having a child with her; the issue was more personal. Cessilia moved their position to sit up, facing him with her hands still on his shoulders. He was still avoiding her eyes, though. She gently pulled a bit of his white hair off his face and back.
“...T-tell me,” she said gently. “Ashen, speak t-to me.”
He sighed and leaned forward, resting his head against her stomach. She still couldn’t see his face, but at least, his shoulders were a bit more relaxed.
“I would... love your child, Cessilia. A baby that comes from you... I would love your baby like I love you. So, so much. But I just... I don’t think I could be a good father, Cessi. I grew up in a broken family, with no father figure. My father was a horrible piece of shit to both his women, and even worse to his own children. ...What if I do the same thing to our child? What if I... get mad at him or her, what if I scare them? What if I... if I ever hurt them? I’d rather die than risk doing anything to your child.”
Cessilia smiled. It wasn’t really something she should have been happy about, but in her heart, Ashen was just proving himself to be an even better man than she thought. Underestimating himself, and already showing so much love and concern over his future children. Their future children.
She gently caressed his hair.
“...Ashen. L-look at me.”
When he didn’t move, Cessilia sighed and pulled his hair a little.
“L-look at me, I s-said.”
Despite her stutter, her imperious tone was clear. He sighed and leaned on his arms to face her, still sullen. His dark eyes looked full of doubt, and even a hint of fear. Cessilia smiled at him and gave a quick peck on his lips.
“Ashen,” she muttered, “you’re n-not like your father. You t-took good c-care of your mom and b-brothers, all you c-could. You c-cared about so many of your p-people today t-too. You always d-do your best for others’ sake. You really are a k-kind man. You d-don’t even realize how k-kind and selfless you are. ...Plus, d-do you really think I would let you d-do anything to our children? If you d-don’t trust yourself, at least, t-trust me. I am n-not a weak woman.”
He finally broke into a faint smile. Ashen gave her back that quick peck, and tilted his head.
“...Right. I underestimated a dragon mom. Your children will be so lucky to have you...”
“Our ch-children. I d-don’t plan to have a b-baby with anyone else b-but you.”
“Still,” he groaned, “I should have... had more restraint, until we talked properly about it.”
“It’s alright. We just d-did.”
Her confident smile was enough for him. He chuckled, giving in to her confidence. He leaned forward, and they resumed their kissing, caressing each other for a while.
Suddenly, a knock was heard on the door.
“Your Majesty,” said a female voice. “They are waiting for you for the second banquet...”
Ashen groaned.
“Damn it,” he grumbled.
“Let’s g-go.”
He nodded and helped Cessilia get out of the bed. While Ashen went to the door to tell the servant to announce his arrival, Cessilia walked to the little basin to clean herself up. She felt like the remnants of what they had just done could be seen on her, even if it was irrational. She did her best to clean herself up in a short time, putting her dress back down and combing her curls with her fingers. Because she didn’t have any hair ornaments this time, she braided her hair and quickly twisted it into a low bun, some curls naturally falling out nicely. The result was simple but very elegant, and when she checked in the mirror, Cessilia found her cheeks didn’t need any blush nor her lips any more pink...
“Cessilia.”
Ashen called out to her, and she came to take his hand, her heart thumping. It was strange that after all they had already done together, even the simplest gestures of affection made her heart flutter... After letting the servant in to put out the fire, Ashen and Cessilia walked out of the room, hand in hand.
