We are committed to creating unstructured time to allow for play and activities that bring joy both inside and outside the relationship, including time and space to pursue solitude and individual interests, hobbies, or passions.
Have I directly told my loved one(s) what I need/want or what I don’t need/don’t want? Many of us are able to voice the issues we have with our loved ones or repeat the things we don’t want. But to make sure our needs can be met, it’s helpful to voice what we specifically want or need, which increases clarity, fosters a collaborative environment, and puts us on the same page with those around us. Instead of saying “You don’t care about me when you’re away,” we could ask, “Can you text me before you go to bed so we can catch up about our day? That would help me feel more connected to you while you’re away.” Or before we yell, “You never listen to me!” we can calmly request, “Can we have a conversation where neither of us is distracted by our phone? This will help me be able to get all of my thoughts and feelings out.”
How can I meet this need/desire on my own if my loved one is unable or unwilling to do so? If you’re unsure how to answer this question, that’s okay; be patient and compassionate with yourself. Continue to take time and space to self-reflect and curiously explore yourself using the exercises throughout this book. Remember, even in emotionally attuned partnerships, there is a give-and-take in the availability of supportive resources, and it’s normal and even necessary to take turns playing a supportive role based on the energetic resources available to each of you. Because no one person can meet all of our needs all the time, it may also be helpful to find supportive relationships or communities outside our primary partnership.
For many of us, communicating our emotions is challenging, even in our long-standing relationships. We’re so desperate to be loved by others and scared of “losing” them that we don’t ask for support or set needed boundaries. This is especially true if our feelings were ignored or dismissed in childhood. And, when we believe our ego stories that we’re unworthy of having our needs met, we continue to suppress or deny them. But if we pretend to be “independent” and “strong” all the time or act as though we never get upset or need support (as I used to do), we can’t develop the security and connection we need to survive and thrive.
If we don’t communicate our feelings and set boundaries, we can’t expect to feel safe, valued, or loved within our relationships. To begin to communicate more effectively to others, we can:
Consider the timing. If our loved ones are distracted, defensive, depressed, hurt, jealous, insecure, or reacting from their own stored trauma, they won’t be able to hear our needs, no matter how effectively or directly we communicate them. And we have to feel safe in our own body to even be able to clearly and effectively share our needs. Unfortunately, many of us attempt to communicate our needs when we feel upset, are in the middle of a heated conversation, or are being ignored by someone who is reactive, distracted, or dissociated. In these instances, it’s likely no one feels safe. Make sure that both you and your loved one feel calm, grounded, and present when you decide to share your needs.
Communicate your intention. Many of us don’t specify or explicitly say why we’re sharing our wants and needs with someone else, whether it’s because we want to feel safer in their company or more securely connected within the relationship. Before having a conversation about your desires, think about the reason you’re sharing them, even if it’s simply because you want to improve your relationship. When we give the “why” behind our communication, we increase the likelihood that others will be able to see and understand our perspective.
Choose your words wisely. When we share our emotional needs with others, we want to avoid criticizing, blaming, or using “you”-based language (focus on using “I” statements instead). It’s helpful to avoid “all-or-never” language like “You always say X, Y, or Z”; “You never do A, B, or C.” This kind of all-or-nothing thinking activates our ego and the ego of our loved one so that we both end up feeling threatened, focused on our individual differences, and unable to clearly see the other’s perspective or even the conflict itself. This naturally impacts our ability to communicate productively and approach the problem or issue collaboratively with both of our best interests in mind.
Here are examples of language you can use to communicate your emotional needs more clearly and effectively to another person.
“I’ve had a rough day and need some support. Do you have the space and energy to listen to me now or sometime in the next few hours?”
“I’m having a hard time finding a solution for this work issue and would love to get your perspective. Can I share what’s going on with you and ask for your advice?”
“I’m feeling sad and need some support. Would you be willing to sit next to me for a few minutes?”
“I’m feeling disconnected and would like to connect with you. Would you be willing to spend a few hours doing [insert activity] with me?”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed by caring for Mom (or Dad, my child, my partner, etc.) and need some time by myself. Can you come over and sit with them for a few hours so I can take that space?”
“At night, I can get anxious or restless. I need to spend a half hour or so doing [insert activity] to wind down. Can you give me that space?”
“I need to be able to vent sometimes without you trying to fix my issue. Can you work on listening without giving me advice or telling me what I should do? I feel supported this way.”
“When I come home, I notice it’s difficult for me to connect right away. I need it to be okay that I take some space and time to adapt to being home before we connect. Can you give me [insert how long you’d like] to spend by myself before we hang out?”
“I’m uncomfortable when you share certain details of our relationship with others, especially your family. I need some things to be between us. Can we talk about the boundaries with our family that would help us both feel most comfortable?”
“I’m uncomfortable sharing intimate details about my personal relationship around our other colleagues at our work’s lunch table. Can we talk about the boundaries with our colleagues that would help us both feel more comfortable?”
“Conflict meant complete destruction or disconnection for me growing up so I need reassurance after a conflict to feel safe. Can you remind me that you still love me even when you’re upset?”
“When you mock or tease me when we’re out socially, it hurts my feelings. You may not be aware of this, and I need you to understand how I feel.”
“Being spontaneous doesn’t come natural to me like it does to you. I appreciate that about you and need it to be understood that planning helps me feel safer.”
“I see how much you love doing [insert activity]. I honestly don’t love it like you do, and while I support you continuing to enjoy your passions, I won’t be joining you as frequently.”
“When we go to visit my family, I need emotional support. You can support me by checking in with me and asking how I’m feeling, giving me a hug, or [insert any other action that would feel supportive].”
When we build empowerment consciousness, we can even start to recognize when someone else needs our support. We can often sense when our loved ones are irritated or overstimulated and offer them support with their problems or share our perspective with them. When we compassionately share our experience in those dysregulated moments we can sometimes even gently encourage our loved ones to take the time or space they need to more fully regulate themselves. When we’re aware of what’s happening inside us, we’re better able to hold space for the various, changing needs of those around us. And as we grow more and more confident in our self-worth and gain more security within our relationships, we’re better able to honor what others need without perceiving their preferences as an indication of our worthlessness.
OVERCOMING DISEMPOWERING BELIEFS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Taking responsibility for our needs and building empowerment consciousness enables us to be the change we want to see in our relationships as we make them more sustainable and loving. When we focus on the ways we’d like others to be different, we create a dependency on external circumstances and deny the truth and power we all have to transform our experiences. Affirmations can be a useful tool to help change and eventually reprogram our mindset.
Below are listed examples of disempowering beliefs and the associated affirmations you can use to reconnect with your inherent power to create change in any relationship. At the end of this list, you’ll find tips to help you create your own affirmations best suited to your individual experiences.
Old belief: My partner is the problem, and they really need to fix their issues.
Empowered affirmation: Relationships are co-created and both of us play a role. As I become more conscious of this, I have an opportunity to make choices to create healthier relationships.
Old belief: My ex is a liar, cheater, narcissist, and complete psycho.
Empowered affirmation: The dynamics of my earliest attachment with my parent-figure or other childhood trauma were re-enacted in a relationship that was insecure, unstable, or chaotic.
Old belief: My friend is always taking advantage of me.
Empowered affirmation: It is my responsibility to set and maintain the boundaries I need.
Old belief: My loved one says they’re not interested in doing the work necessary to make our relationship healthier.
Empowered affirmation: This is useful information about where they are and I can now choose whether or not I can accept this.
Old belief: My mom/dad/sister/brother is constantly denying my reality (otherwise known as gaslighting).
Empowered affirmation: The way my mom/dad/sister/brother communicates with me is a powerful indicator of their emotional development, and I can now choose how I want to engage with them.
Old belief: My friend says one thing and does another, which leaves me feeling hurt and manipulated.
Empowered affirmation: I am conscious of my friend’s actions, and I can make choices based on those actions, not just on their words.
Old belief: My mom always brings me into the family drama.
Empowered affirmation: I can now choose how I spend my time and energy and communicate my boundaries clearly to others, even my mom.
You can begin to change the disempowering relational beliefs you witness in yourself by changing the language of your thoughts. To do so, practice removing your focus from what you believe the other person has caused you to feel. Then take some time to explore one way that you can begin to change your circumstances and related emotions by showing up differently.
FIVE STEPS TO TAKE TO EMPOWER YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
At this point in our journey, we’ve covered the steps necessary to understand our dysfunctional relationship habits and start to create deeper, sustainable, more authentic bonds with others. At the same time, I know we’ve discussed a lot of things that may feel challenging or uncomfortable, and it’s normal to feel a little overwhelmed by all the new information and tools.
To make this work more approachable, here is all we’ve discussed so far organized into five pillars or steps. This process will help you become more aware of yourself, your safety, and the safety of all of those around you.
FIVE STEPS TO EMPOWER YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Embody your Self.
Create and share your nervous system safety.
Compassionately witness your conditioned Self.
