HASSAN’S JOURNEY TO HEART CONSCIOUSNESS
When Hassan started seeing me as a client, he was anxiously trying to complete a postbaccalaureate in premedicine so that he could apply to medical school, even though he’d struggled to finish his undergraduate degree in biology. The oldest son of first-generation Indian Americans, he’d grown up with parents who had directed everything he was to do, including his future career, telling him that he had to become a doctor to bring pride and financial security to his family.
In addition to feeling daily anxiety over his professional path, Hassan struggled with his identity as a gay man. He felt deeply insecure being openly gay and hid the few short-lived same-sex relationships he had, even from those closest to him. He regularly felt depressed, hopeless, and numb, as though he were simply going through the motions of life. Though he desperately wanted a partner (and career) he loved, he was so detached from his heart, as well as from his body, that he had no idea how to connect with himself, let alone with another person.
Just as in my experience, Hassan’s disconnection from his heart began in childhood. When he was young, his parents were critical of any interests or desires that differed from what they deemed acceptable. He loved making art, drawing in his room, and walking in the woods—not playing outside with friends or reading about biology. When his parents discovered that he was spending a lot of time drawing instead of studying, they accused him of being unmotivated and procrastinating, sometimes even punishing him for wasting hours on what they believed to be a futile hobby. In response, he started to hide his drawing books and not tell his parents about his walks in the woods, eventually hiding the other parts of himself he was afraid they’d shame. The older he got and the more pressure they placed on him, the more he tried to keep himself small and out of the way, hoping to avoid being noticed for his “flaws.”
Over time, Hassan started to embody the Underachiever conditioned self, making himself invisible in his attempt to avoid criticism. Facing a consistent threat of judgment, his nervous system gradually began to shut down, creating the emotional numbness, emptiness, disconnection, and depression he regularly experienced.
Shortly after his tenth birthday, Hassan became consciously aware that he was gay. He didn’t dare tell his family out of fear that they wouldn’t accept him, which caused him to become even more secretive, always shrinking away or trying to remain in the background of family events. Feeling shameful about every aspect of his identity, he started to show even less of himself, believing that who he was at his core—artistic, shy, woodsy, introspective, gay—wasn’t good enough. Protecting himself from the deep-rooted shame he felt about his identity, he became more and more disconnected from himself and his feelings.
Although he was intelligent and a quick learner, Hassan was never able to fully apply himself in school, crippled by feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, and self-restraining habits that made him feel safest around his parents. He graduated from high school as a C student, unable to get into the college his parents had wanted him to attend. Going to a state school, Hassan struggled through biology—the major his parents had directed him toward—and was miserable. He had few friends and even fewer romantic partners. The relationships he did have were superficial, as he subconsciously refused to open himself up to others out of fear that they’d see all his flaws and imperfections. He pushed friends and partners away with self-deprecating humor, making himself the butt of jokes to appease the internal voice of criticism that he had developed during his earliest experiences with his parents.
When Hassan first began his healing journey, he felt depressed, unfulfilled, and hopeless, struggling through an intense degree program that he felt compelled to pursue for reasons he couldn’t understand. He was so low-energy that he came across as cold or indifferent, not the sensitive and passionate young man who had existed before years of conditioning that eroded his self-worth.
After Hassan learned about polyvagal theory and the different nervous system states, he began to see how shut down he was. He started to wonder whether his depressive symptoms—apathy, lethargy, low mood—were the physiological signs of parasympathetic dominance caused by a slow heart rate, shallow breathing, sluggish digestion, and low energy production. To stimulate his nervous system, he began to experiment with Wim Hof breathing, cold showers, and vigorous exercise, running sprints at a nearby track. Those activities helped shift his nervous system out of parasympathetic dorsal dominance, boosting his energy and making him feel more awake, motivated, and present.
As he started to feel more alive again, his nervous system began to respond to stressful situations with more flexibility, initiating a fight-or-flight response when appropriate before returning to peace and calm. He began to feel safer in his body, which gave him the ability to witness his ego story—the one telling him to remain isolated and invisible, fearful that exposing his “flaws” would make him unworthy of connection and love. As he grew more confident in himself and his choices, he reminded himself that he was worthy and lovable for being exactly who he was.
With his newly developing body and mind consciousness, Hassan started to take moments throughout his day, especially when faced with an important decision, to pause and check in with his heart. He also consistently set aside just five minutes every day to sit in stillness and try to reconnect with his different physical sensations, paying attention to the area around his heart space. During that time, he would practice embodying feelings of care, compassion, and gratitude for himself or his loved ones (we’ll discuss how to do this in a moment).
With time, Hassan noticed that his heart was sending him messages all the time. As he continued to practice heart consciousness, he was able to recognize and accept that he wasn’t interested in studying medicine or becoming a doctor—no wonder the biology and premed courses had been so difficult! What lit him up instead was art and design, and for the first time since he was a little boy, he felt excited about something as he started researching jobs in graphic design. He began to rethink how he spent his free time, pulling away from the hobbies he thought he should pursue, like watching sports and going out to gay clubs, to focus on what he really enjoyed, including visiting museums and spending time in nature.
Reconnecting with his heart and intuition helped Hassan realize that he craved a deeper bond with his partners, parents, and friends. More physically comfortable in his body and less dependent on his ego story, he gradually felt safe enough to be vulnerable with them, sharing more of his authentic Self. When he did, he was surprised to discover that no one actually abandoned him. With his growing sense of confidence, he was able to ask for support from his loved ones and allow himself to begin to accept the love and care they had to offer. He was compassionate and patient with himself as he gradually started to open his heart. And over time, he actually even to become more comfortable opening himself up to finding and connecting with others in relationships that better aligned with his true nature.
YOUR JOURNEY TO HEART CONSCIOUSNESS
Developing heart consciousness takes time. It’s not something you can accomplish by following a quick checklist. Everyone’s journey is different, though everyone will have to regulate your nervous system first. Otherwise, your nervous system will remain in a stressed state and you won’t be able to sync your brain with your heart, no matter what you do. All of the practices we explored in chapter 5 will help you begin to regulate your nervous system, increasing your HRV and heart coherence. Any other self-care practice that you enjoy, whether it’s journaling, doing yoga, or taking a warm bath in candlelight, can also help you better manage stress, boost your HRV, and reconnect with your heart.
To develop heart consciousness, you’ll need to learn how to sit still with yourself so you can listen to your heart. I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to relax into stillness, sit with yourself to connect with your heart, and channel feelings like appreciation and gratitude, especially when you feel sad, upset, or lonely. For years, my body struggled to rest or relax most of the time, let alone embody core heart feelings; I often felt physically and emotionally incapable of doing so. If you feel the same way, there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re not broken. Creating safety for your nervous system will help you access these core heart emotions and the more time you spend practicing, the more frequently you’ll be able to experience them.
Awaken Your Heart Exercise
The following exercise will help you reconnect with your heart’s energy so you can strengthen the pathway of communication between your heart and brain so you can attune to its intuitive signals. It’s helpful to practice this heart-activating exercise daily or as consistently as possible, even (and especially) when you feel stressed. Because many of you may understandably find it difficult to extend core heart feelings to those with whom we have had a difficult experience or relationship, it’ll be helpful to have patience with yourself along the way. The more consistently you practice, the more connected with your heart you’ll feel, regardless of your circumstances.
Find a place to lie down or sit comfortably for a few moments. If you feel safe doing so, you may choose to close your eyes.
Take a few slow, deep breaths. As you feel your body begin to settle, take a moment to allow your shoulders to relax, with your shoulder blades rolled down your back. Let your arms hang by your sides, with your palms facing in front of you. Allow your chest and heart to open.
Begin to turn your attention to the area around your heart, breathing fully and deeply into your chest space; it may be helpful to imagine a golden or yellow light shining out from your heart. If you feel comfortable or called to do so, you may even choose to place a hand over your heart to feel its powerful beat.
Spend the next few moments calling to mind someone or something in your life that creates a feeling of unconditional love (whether it’s a person, pet, experience, or anything else) as you invite a feeling of compassion and love to come into your heart.
When you feel yourself beginning to embody compassion and love, explore and note how its healing energy feels within you. Practice coming back to this place as many times as you can throughout your day and extending this feeling outward to your loved ones, and the world around you, reminding yourself that love is your true nature.
There is a guided version of this practice available at:
INTUITION CHECK-IN
The more consistently you practice connecting with your heart, the more likely you will be able to hear the intuitive messages from your authentic Self. The following exercise can help you create a habit of pausing to connect with your heart, giving you the space to begin to attune to its signals. Consistently connecting with your heart will help you tap into and use your inner wisdom to better understand and guide your choices throughout the day.
Pause for a moment and begin to breathe slowly and fully into your heart space, placing your hands on your chest if it feels safe and helpful to do so.
Start to focus your attention on the area of your heart as you actively listen and ask yourself, “What is my heart saying to me?” Practice remaining open and curious to whatever it is you notice and keeping your attention focused on your body without trying to force or apply words or logic to describe what you are feeling.
If you have a specific question or are looking for guidance about making a certain decision, take a few moments to imagine each of the different possibilities or outcomes and ask yourself, “How does my heart feel about this possibility or outcome? Does my heart feel expansive, light, and airy, indicating a ‘yes’ to this possibility or outcome? Or does my heart feel constricted, tight, and fearful, indicating a ‘no’ to this possibility or outcome?”
You may find it helpful to take a few moments after this practice to journal your thoughts and feelings without judging your answers, noting whatever came into your awareness.
Heart-Conscious Listening Exercise
The more you can attune to your heart, the more connected you’ll be to your inner guidance when you are interacting with others or within your relationships. Listening with your heart means you’re truly present to hear and connect with what someone is saying without thinking about how you’ll respond or being distracted by something else entirely. Begin to pay attention to how often you actively listen to others when they are communicating with noting the steps below:
Begin to consistently check in and witness your listening habits throughout the day.
Notice how often you get lost in your own thoughts when someone is speaking to you. When you non-judgmentally notice yourself becoming distracted by the thoughts in your mind, practice turning your attention back to your heart, maybe even placing a hand on your chest to help shift your focus back to your body.
Breathing slowly and fully from your heart space, practice fully listening to the words and experiences of another person while noticing any shifts or changes in the sensations in your heart.
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As you begin your journey, remember that developing a consistent practice of heart consciousness can take time—weeks, months, or even years, depending on how disconnected you are now and how consistently you practice these tools. You also likely won’t be able to remain in heart consciousness or heart coherence consistently for the rest of your life; connecting with and following your heart is a moment-to-moment journey that changes depending on what’s happening around you and within your body. Though the more consistently you’re able to create the safety you need to reconnect with your heart, the more often you’ll be able to hear its messages and make choices in your life and relationships that are guided by intuition, compassion, and love. It is only when we are connected to our own heart that we can authentically connect with another’s. And it is only when we are connected to our own heart that we can truly be the love we seek, through a practice called co-regulation we’ll talk about next.
8
Becoming the Love You Seek
