Over time, however, tension, irritability, and insecurity began to creep into our relationship, slowly and insidiously at first, like oil settling on water. We started arguing about small things, including silly stuff like someone forgetting to pick up an extra item at the grocery store or someone not using one specific word in a text. Though Jenna spent much of her time with us, she still had her own apartment a few blocks away. She’d often get sad at night after we finished work, wanting to be home but also not wanting to leave us. Lolly and I also felt conflicted, wanting her to stay but also unsure what to do with the sadness and guilt we’d sometimes feel after she did leave. The three of us began to cut one another off, act passive-aggressively, and take things personally. The more time we spent together, the more the tension grew and thickened, becoming so heavy that it felt palpable.
With care and compassion for one another, we realized that we were struggling to communicate as a team, both personally and professionally. All three of us were committed and willing to have difficult conversations, but no amount of loving confrontation or mature dialogue seemed to change the dynamics among us.
Then, one Friday morning, Jenna stopped by our apartment bright and early, around 6:00 a.m., and asked if she could talk to us each privately. She was on her way to see a friend in town for coffee at the farmer’s market before Lolly and I were to meet them for our usual Friday-midmorning ritual.
The apartment that Lolly and I shared was fairly small, so Jenna and I found a quiet space in the back bedroom and closed the door. I sat on the bed and faced her as she sat across from me, making eye contact and taking a deep breath. I could tell she needed to share something that was weighing on her heart and mind: her face was flushed as she looked at me, choosing the words to speak. Seeing that she was on the verge of sharing something that appeared difficult to say, I gazed calmly at her. I intentionally connected to my heart while holding space, sitting in silence, and giving her the time to say whatever she wanted or needed to.
Jenna took a deep breath, put a hand on her heart, and began by acknowledging the escalating tension among us. She said she’d been spending time looking inward, connecting to her heart, and exploring her role in the rising tension, which was true to her character: Jenna has spent most her life intuitively and intentionally dropping into her heart, listening to its truth, and following its guidance. She also said that the work we were teaching in Self Healers Circle that month—a course on Courageous Authenticity, which is about speaking and living by your heart’s wisdom—had been inspired by her recent realization of her own heart’s truth.
Courageously speaking from her heart, Jenna shared that she loved both Lolly and me as more than just friends or colleagues. She had romantic feelings for both of us, and although she had no idea how I’d feel or whether we’d be open to exploring a different kind of loving relationship with her, she wanted to honor her heart and explore its truth. She suggested that we take as much time as we needed to figure out how we felt and that no matter what each of our heart’s said, she was committed to continuing our work together. If her feelings weren’t reciprocated or an expanded relationship dynamic wasn’t meant to be, she would accept that, and we could create boundaries moving forward to better define our professional relationship.
As I watched Jenna and listened to her speak, my heart began to race. A mix of nervousness and excitement flooded my body. At the same time, I felt a huge sense of relief, even though I couldn’t discern whether it was relief for me, relief for Jenna, or relief for all three of us. What was clear to me at the time, though, was that Jenna had just identified the unspoken basis of our underlying conflict.
Still sitting on the bed, I didn’t say anything to Jenna other than to thank her from my heart for sharing. I knew I needed time to process what she had told me before I responded; I also knew she wanted me to drop into and connect with my own heart’s truth before I did. She smiled lovingly, and we hugged before she left to meet her friend, which gave me the opportunity to take a moment to process our conversation. It also gave Lolly and me a chance to explore our individual responses to what Jenna had shared.
Lolly and I decided to go for a walk to a nearby coffee shop. Because Jenna had also spoken alone with Lolly, I didn’t have to update her on what had happened. Instead, we looked at each other and each asked how the other felt. Our conversation didn’t last long: We discovered quickly that we were both open to and curious about what Jenna had shared and were also willing to step into that curiosity. I knew that Lolly had always seen and wanted the best in and for me, and I felt the same way about her, helping us make a decision to grant that exploratory freedom to each other.
Looking back on the situation now, both Lolly and I can see the different ways in which we each ignored our heart’s intuitive pings. I would feel a tightness in my heart when Jenna talked about dating other people, or Lolly would roll her eyes when Jenna mentioned seeing an ex, each of which was our own way of suppressing or overlooking our heart’s messages. That morning, it became apparent to both of us that we hadn’t been living by our heart’s truth and that all three of us actually felt the same pull toward a possibility of expanded love. And although I didn’t have an example of what a nonconventional relationship could look like, my heart was urging me to follow its pings. At that point in my journey, I knew I had to listen.
After Lolly and I left the coffee shop, we met Jenna and her friend at the farmer’s market. We didn’t say anything about what had just occurred; instead, we all wanted to take the time and space to reintegrate with one another without the pressure of communicating or talking about a decision. So we strolled, chatting and taking in the kaleidoscope of colors and aromas that filled the market, including those of fresh orchids, lilies, ripe melons, and peaches the color of a California sunset. To me that morning, the farmer’s market seemed even more vibrant, more beautiful, more alive, effusive with the scent of fresh citrus, the abundance of freshly cut flowers, and the sense of expanded joy and restored harmony in the two most meaningful relationships in my life.
Jenna’s decision to speak her heart’s truth that Friday morning forever changed the dynamics among the three of us. The mutual tension, arguments, passive-aggressive comments, and hurt feelings dissipated almost immediately as our communication became more honest, efficient, and effortless. We became not just romantic partners but also better friends and even more productive colleagues. Emotionally, we evolved into a more fulfilling love that has allowed each of us to both honor and be valued for being who we are, as we grew our relationship and love together as a whole. I remain forever grateful to Jenna for her courageous authenticity and her ability to honor and to speak her heart’s truth because her honesty allowed me to access my own.
In my whole life, I never thought that this would be where I’d land—in this expanded relationship—yet here I am. It surprised me, and I imagine part of you may feel surprised, too. And, please know, I am by no means suggesting that this is the path for you or your relationships.
I continue to share my journey with you to illustrate the toll that disconnection from your heart can take. And to show the power of connecting with and acting from your heart. Your heart will, of course, offer different whispers: a new home, a new city, or a new career or no career at all, as varied as we are as human beings. As I hope you know realize, your heart’s messages are worth taking the time to hear, interpret, and heed. They are your own source of deeper guidance. Your heart is speaking to you right now, and its wisdom is limitless. The question is: Are you willing to listen?
Your human heart is incredibly powerful and capable of love in so many different and unique ways. Each of you has a heart that holds an infinite capacity for love, however that love looks for you.
To all of your hearts reading these words right now: You already are the love you seek.
Acknowledgments
As with anything I ever create, I want to express my infinite gratitude for every one of you who felt inspired to pick up or share my work. It is as we become open and curious to each other’s ideas and perspectives that we are given the opportunity to see ourselves and the world around us more clearly.
While I can’t possibly name everyone who’s impacted me thus far on my journey, I’m grateful for all the relationships that have or will crossed my path and allowed me to expand my own ability to know and love myself so that I may continue learn how to better know and love another.
To our global community of Self Healers, thank you all for helping to support my own journey toward authentic Self-expression in this world. It is through my interactions with each of you that I see so much of myself and, as a result, feel less alone.
To my family, especially my dad and sister, who continue to allow me the space to prioritize my own healing and to rebuild a stronger foundation of more trusting and secure relationships—thank you both for your support in my process of becoming.
To my life partners, Jenna and Lolly, who continue to show me the most expanded love I have ever known. Lolly, I am eternally grateful for and ever inspired by your inherent ability to fully embrace yourself and your natural curiosity to understand other perspectives. Jenna, I am eternally grateful for and ever inspired by your inherent ability to be fully connected to your heart and your natural tendency to live a heart-led life.
To all the teachers who have passed on their wisdom and lived experience throughout the ages, may my own journey offer insight and value to our shared collective wisdom so that all who come next may be of benefit.
To all our ancestors, it is through my reconnection to all who have come before that I become more aware of my connection to all there is and all there will ever be. May each of you reading this begin to reconnect with your own infinite nature.
To my team—Brittany, Cristen, Furkan, Mike, MJ, and Tia— thank you for your daily work to embody these teachings and your collaborative efforts in service of our community.
To Dado, who has become an integral part and inspirational champion of all my creations, thank you for choosing to share your gifts to help spread such life-changing messages.
To Sarah Toland, whose open and curious desire to truly understand and translate this work helped to create this beautiful gift to the collective.
To the team at Harper Wave—Amanda, Emma, Karen, Julie, Yelena—who continue to see our vision and wholeheartedly support the creation of these works, and to the Harper Wave design team—Jo, Leah, and Suzy—whose dedicated efforts produced such beautiful artwork, and the production team whose tireless efforts made this book possible.
And finally, to all of you who will continue your own journey back to your heart’s truth, who will collectively join our global movement to change the world around us, and who will inspire others to do the same.
Notes
1. E. Ron de Kloet, Melly S. Oitzl, and Marian Joels, “Stress and Cognition: Are Corticosteroids Good or Bad Guys?,” Trends in Neurosciences 22, no. 10 (1999): 422–26, https://doi:10.1016/s0166-2236(99)01438-1.
2. John Bowlby, “The Nature of the Child’s Tie to His Mother,” International Journal of Psychoanalysis 39, no. 5 (1958): 350–73.
3. Daniel Siegel, The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are, 3rd ed. (New York: Guilford Press, 2020), 7.
4. Louise C. Hawkley and John T. Cacioppo, “Loneliness Matters: A Theoretical and Empirical Review of Consequences and Mechanisms,” Annals of Behavioral Medicine 40, no. 2 (2010): 218–27, https://doi:10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8.
5. Siegel, The Developing Mind, 7.
6. “In Brief: The Science of Early Childhood Development,” Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University, https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-science-of-ecd/.
7. John Horgan, “What God, Quantum Mechanics and Consciousness Have in Common,” Scientific American, April 14, 2021, https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-god-quantum-mechanics-and-consciousness-have-in-common/.
8. Siegel, The Developing Mind, 14.
9. Kory Taylor and Elizabeth B. Jones, Adult Dehydration (Treasure Island, FL: StatPearls Publishing, 2022), https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK555956/.
10. Lisa Feldman Barrett, “The Theory of Constructed Emotion: An Active Inference Account of Interoception and Categorization,” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience 12, no. 1 (January 2017): 1–23, https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsw154.
11. Ali M. Alshami, “Pain: Is It All in the Brain or the Heart?,” Current Pain and Headache Reports 23, no. 12 (November 2019), https://doi:10.1007/s11916-019-0827-4.
12. “A Deeper View of Intuition,” HeartMath Institute, August 26, 2019, https://www.heartmath.org/articles-of-the-heart/a-deeper-view-of-intuition/.
13. Rollin McCraty, Mike Atkinson, and Raymond Trevor Bradley, “Electrophysiological Evidence of Intuition: Part 2. A System-wide Process?,” Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine 10, no. 2 (April 2004): 325–36, https://doi:10.1089/107555304323062310.
14. Timothy T. Brown and Terry L. Jernigan, “Brain Development During the Preschool Years,” Neuropsychology Review 22, no. 4 (2012): 313–33, https://doi:10.1007/s11065-012-9214-1.
15. Lena Lim and Chiea Chuen Khor. “Examining the Common and Specific Grey Matter Abnormalities in Childhood Maltreatment and Peer Victimization,” BJPsych Open 8, no. 4 (July 12, 2022): e132, https://doi:10.1192/bjo.2022.531.
16. Marieke J. H. Begemann et al., “Childhood Trauma Is Associated with Reduced Frontal Gray Matter Volume: A Large Transdiagnostic Structural MRI Study,” Psychological Medicine 53, no. 3 (June 2021): 1–9, https://doi:10.1017/S0033291721002087.
17. Zoya Marinova and Andreas Maercker, “Biological Correlates of Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder—State of Research and Future Directions,” European Journal of Psychotraumatology 6, no. 1 (April 2015): 2591, https://doi:10.3402/ejpt.v6.25913.
18. Monique C. Pfaltz et al., “Are You Angry at Me? Negative Interpretations of Neutral Facial Expressions Are Linked to Child Maltreatment but Not to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder,” European Journal of Psychotraumatology 10, no. 1 (November 2019): 1682929, https://doi:10.1080/20008198.2019.1682929.
19. Lisa Feldman Barrett, “The Theory of Constructed Emotion: An Active Inference Account of Interoception and Categorization,” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience 12, no. 1 (January 2017): 1–23, https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsw154.
20. Ibid.
