Old belief: My ex is a liar, cheater, narcissist, and complete psycho.
Empowered affirmation: The dynamics of my earliest attachment with my parent-figure or other childhood trauma were re-enacted in a relationship that was insecure, unstable, or chaotic.
Old belief: My friend is always taking advantage of me.
Empowered affirmation: It is my responsibility to set and maintain the boundaries I need.
Old belief: My loved one says they’re not interested in doing the work necessary to make our relationship healthier.
Empowered affirmation: This is useful information about where they are and I can now choose whether or not I can accept this.
Old belief: My mom/dad/sister/brother is constantly denying my reality (otherwise known as gaslighting).
Empowered affirmation: The way my mom/dad/sister/brother communicates with me is a powerful indicator of their emotional development, and I can now choose how I want to engage with them.
Old belief: My friend says one thing and does another, which leaves me feeling hurt and manipulated.
Empowered affirmation: I am conscious of my friend’s actions, and I can make choices based on those actions, not just on their words.
Old belief: My mom always brings me into the family drama.
Empowered affirmation: I can now choose how I spend my time and energy and communicate my boundaries clearly to others, even my mom.
You can begin to change the disempowering relational beliefs you witness in yourself by changing the language of your thoughts. To do so, practice removing your focus from what you believe the other person has caused you to feel. Then take some time to explore one way that you can begin to change your circumstances and related emotions by showing up differently.
FIVE STEPS TO TAKE TO EMPOWER YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
At this point in our journey, we’ve covered the steps necessary to understand our dysfunctional relationship habits and start to create deeper, sustainable, more authentic bonds with others. At the same time, I know we’ve discussed a lot of things that may feel challenging or uncomfortable, and it’s normal to feel a little overwhelmed by all the new information and tools.
To make this work more approachable, here is all we’ve discussed so far organized into five pillars or steps. This process will help you become more aware of yourself, your safety, and the safety of all of those around you.
FIVE STEPS TO EMPOWER YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Embody your Self.
Create and share your nervous system safety.
Compassionately witness your conditioned Self.
Reconnect with your authentic Self.
Cultivate empowerment consciousness.
Though we’ve covered all these concepts in previous chapters, here’s how to actually put them all into practice.
Embody your Self. Our first step is to realize that our relationships with others are impacted by more than what we think, say, and do or by what others think, say, and do. Because we interact with others as our embodied Self, or our body, mind, and soul, we have to meet our physical, mental, and spiritual needs before we can show up as our whole Self.
Create and share your nervous system safety. The state of our nervous system affects our thoughts, words, and actions. If our nervous system is stuck in a stress response, as most of ours are, we’ll think, do, and say things that create or escalate conflict with others. Our nervous system will communicate our threat state to those around us, amping up the collective stress level. When we become aware of our nervous system stress, we can choose to bring our body back to safety or wait to interact until we’re calm and grounded again or we can safely co-regulate with others.
Compassionately witness your conditioned Self. We all have a conditioned Self, created by the roles we learned to play in our earliest relationships or, simply, how we learned to feel safe, valued, and loved as children. When we play these roles as adults, we subconsciously expect others to meet our needs and play their part in our childhood re-enactments. It’s only when we witness our conditioning, that we can begin to make new choices that better align with what we truly want and need.
Reconnect with your authentic Self. When we consistently commit to these first three practices, we naturally begin to live in integrity and make choices that are aligned with our authentic Self. We’re able to express our genuine thoughts and emotions, share our deeper passions and purpose, trust the decisions we make, and feel more whole and complete in ourselves and around others. This, in turn, enables us to connect more authentically with those in our lives.
Cultivate empowerment consciousness. When we’re empowered to take responsibility for creating the safety we need to authentically express ourselves or be who we are; we gift others with the opportunity to do the same. When we’re authentically connected to our heart, we can tap into our deep wisdom and intuition, learning to regain and rebuild trust in our instincts. Reconnected with our own source energy, we can truly become the love we seek.
Empowerment Consciousness Self-Exploration: Journal Prompts
The following questions can help you identify areas in which you already feel empowered and interdependent in your relationships and areas in which you may want to work to develop more relational empowerment and interdependence. Spend time thinking about each of your relationships, writing down your thoughts and feelings in a separate notebook or journal if helpful.
How do I feel when I’m in this individual’s presence? How do I feel before and after I spend time with them?
What do I like about this individual? What do I dislike about them or perceive as possible red flags?
Are they honest and consistent in their communication (i.e. they do what they say)? Are they dishonest and inconsistent in their communication (i.e., they say one thing and do another)?
Is there space in our relationship for emotional expression and attunement? That is, are my feelings heard and understood?
Do they listen to requests and respect boundaries?
Do they clearly ask for what they need?
Do they understand and take responsibility for their roles and emotions within the relationship?
Do we want the same things, and do our values align?
Am I open to this kind of relationship at this time?
Does our dynamic feel healthy, and is this something I want to continue to pursue as it is? What do I need to change about our dynamic in order for it to feel healthy and be something I want to continue to pursue?
