For years, I believed that I was loved only if my romantic partner performed acts of service for me, like washing the dishes, doing the laundry, or cleaning the house. When they didn’t show up for me in this specific way, my abandonment-based ego narratives colored my experiences, leaving me feeling unconsidered, uncared for, and ultimately unloved. Those feelings were based not in my current relational reality but in my childhood wounding. When I was growing up, the primary way my mom showed me affection was by cooking, serving my favorite meals, doing my laundry, and cleaning up after me. Otherwise, unless I was outwardly succeeding in school or sports, she was often distracted by the pain and overwhelming emotions that were accumulating in her body or consumed by worrisome thoughts that were racing through her mind.
As an adult, when I didn’t receive the same type of attention from others, I was taken back to those early memories that still live in my body and mind. When Lolly and I first started dating, I felt hurt and ignored when she didn’t make me dinner, do the dishes, or help with my laundry. Though she constantly told me how much she cared for me and showed me affection in other ways, I regularly started fights or acted passive-aggressively if I came home and my dinner wasn’t made, the house was messy, or laundry was piling up around the apartment. Not only did this create conflict in our relationship, it activated Lolly: when she was young, her mom exploded every time she saw that Lolly had left dishes in the living room or had not straightened up after herself.
As was the case in my relationships, asking someone to change what is comfortable to them can increase conflict, build resentment, and even spark deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness that prevent us from creating or sustaining a deeper connection. Our request to receive love in a certain way may be well-meaning, but it can drive two people further apart.
The reality is we need to feel safe in our body and open to our heart before we can be open to receiving any type of love, no matter how we or others express it. If our dysregulated nervous system and related ego stories are keeping us disconnected from our heart, it doesn’t matter what our loved ones say or do; we may continue to reject any of their attempts to show us love or connection. If our heart is closed to protect us from possible pain, our connections and relationships will continue to erode. And relying on others to adapt their natural ways of expression to meet our needs can plant a seed of resentment and create dysfunctional cycles of conflict within our relationships that will only continue to weaken our bonds.
To do our part to create this relational safety, we can practice empowerment consciousness by taking responsibility to make sure our needs are being met in our relationships. When we consistently create nervous system wellness through daily acts of self-care, we can more easily relax into our natural state of being, or our authentic Self, while giving others the space to do the same. Practicing empowerment consciousness, we don’t “need” our loved ones to show up or express affection in a specific way; we can take responsibility for our own safety by making sure we’re meeting our needs and by asking for additional support when we want or need it.
Requesting support from others can look like texting to see if a friend has the time and energy to listen while you share your feelings, asking them to spend time with you in quiet, or offering reassurance to each other when needed. It can look like asking a family member to watch your kid(s) for a few hours when they’re available so that you can take a long bath, catch up on your sleep, or run personal errands. It can look like seeking feedback from a trusted colleague to read your report before you submit it to your boss. Or it can look like posting on social media or in a virtual community to connect with others facing similar issues, helping you feel less alone with your struggles. Asking for support in these ways isn’t always easy, especially if we were unsupported in our childhood. Below are some suggestions that may help you begin to more safely and effectively communicate to others when you need additional support.
In this chapter, you’ll also learn how to build empowerment consciousness using the five steps to empower your relationships, my approach to healing conflict within our relationships, both romantic and platonic, without sparking conflict, creating resentment, or attempting to change others.
INTERDEPENDENCE
Before we dive more deeply into empowerment consciousness, let’s talk about the concept of interdependence. Interdependence occurs when separate entities, whether people, plants, animals, companies, or countries, retain their individual identities while sharing a connection. In human relationships, interdependence exists when we depend on others for safety and support while sustaining our integrity and worth as separate and distinct individuals.
To create interdependent relationships, we must first build a foundation of safety and security that allows each individual the space to express their unique skills and passions. When we feel truly safe to express our creativity and bring our unique skills to our relationships, we remain great on our own but become even better together. It’s like that sports team where each player is given the time, respect, and freedom to train for their individual position while bringing their full and best effort to group workouts and games.
We function interdependently within our relationships when we’re able to connect or join cooperatively together as complete, whole individuals. And, as we’ve been learning, we’re best able to connect to our authentic Self when we consistently:
Regulate our nervous system especially in times of stress or conflict so that we can feel more physically and emotionally safe and secure
Witness the impact of the different ego stories that often create moments of reactivity and nervous system dysregulation
Connect with our heart so that we can make more authentically aligned choices and feel more grounded in those decisions
True interdependence—what I call separate togetherness—allows for harmony and collaboration among group members. Whether we’re a group of two or twenty, we consider the different needs and best interests of each individual in our group, as well as the needs and best interests of the group itself.52 When we trust the security of our connection to the “we,” we create the space necessary to see things from multiple perspectives so that we can attune to and support others. Considering our group’s best interests not only boosts our own well-being by increasing our production of the hormone dopamine, it also increases our motivation and feelings of reward.53
Interdependence doesn’t always come naturally. Because many of us were raised by emotionally underdeveloped parents, we grew up not feeling safe and secure enough to take the space we needed to curiously explore and know ourselves as separate, whole individuals. Instead, we continue to engage in familiar patterns of self-betrayal often playing conditioned roles instead of living as our authentic Self. Locked in survival mode, we unconsciously prioritize our own thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. But we have to be able to attune to another person’s perspective if we want to exist in a compassionate relationship. And to be able to attune to another person, we have to be able to climb out of our body’s survival state so that we even see their perspective.
Though our sense of self-worth was impacted by our conditioning, we can learn to cultivate and increase our self-connection and self-love using the practices outlined throughout this book, regardless of our relationship status. To rebuild our self-worth and cultivate self-love, many of us will need to learn how to set boundaries with others so that we can begin to give ourselves the time, space, and resources we need to explore our thoughts, feelings, and interests. The more we create the space to attune to our inner worlds, the better we’ll be at noticing when we need to change the way we show up in our relationships. We can begin to identify our limits by pausing and noticing when certain relationships or experiences consistently create stress or emotional upset. It is when we witness and acknowledge our own limits that we can begin to take responsibility for our separate energetic space, or, simply, our individual Self.
As you can likely imagine, heart coherence is necessary if we want to be able to create this interdepence within our relationships. When we’re heart coherent, we’re open to creating a lasting and loving connection with another person. We’re emotionally resilient and mature making us better able to hold space for another’s unique self-expression so we can attune, co-regulate, and join in cooperation and co-creation with them. And, we’re better able to tolerate the misunderstandings that will naturally occur when navigating life with others, allowing space for our inherent differences and individuality.
EMPOWERMENT CONSCIOUSNESS
We gain true interdependence when practice empowerment consciousness, a state that enables us to honor the inherent and beautiful aspects of our loved ones that make them special and unique. We can remain open and curious about our differences, attempting to understand their unique perspectives. We can let go of the idea that we need to receive affection in a certain way to feel loved or chosen and instead can begin to identify and celebrate all the other ways our loved ones value and love us that are more natural to them.
When we’re empowered, we no longer expect others to read our minds or intuitively know how we feel in order to meet our emotional needs for us. We recognize that it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make us feel better or take away our sadness, loneliness, irritation, desperation, or any other painful emotions. Instead, we can communicate and directly ask for comfort or support in a way that feels safe and comfortable for everyone involved. We’re emotionally resilient and able to both self-regulate and co-regulate with others.
Because I was raised by dysregulated, emotionally underdeveloped, and unavailable parents, as many of you also were, I’ve always had a difficult time asking others for comfort or support and still struggle with it at times. Wanting support makes me feel too vulnerable, as though I’m underperforming in my relationships and activates my deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness. Relatedly, I can become annoyed when I see my loved ones directly asking for the support or comfort they need. I cringe when they request a quick foot rub. I glare when they tell me they’re going to tuck themselves away in a back bedroom for the day to enjoy some alone time. Now I can see that my feeling of annoyance indicates the discomfort I still feel when expressing my own needs, often feeling too uncomfortable to take the time or space I may need or too vulnerable to directly ask for the support or connection I may want. While I may think that I am upset with them, I am really upset with myself for my own acts of self-betrayal and related neglected needs. Now, my reaction suggests to me that my resources may be running low and that I, too, may benefit from some self-care or supportive connection.
Reading this, I imagine some of you are feeling fearful or worried that your loved ones may be genuinely unable or unwilling to give you the support you ask for. Even in these moments when we’re feeling hopeless or powerless, when we’re empowered and connected with our heart, we can tap into our intuition and trust our choices if we do decide to leave a relationship or commit to doing our part in making it a more mutually supportive space. We can do our part by intentionally working to change the dynamics of the relationship by seeing a friend less frequently, choosing to live or sleep separately from a romantic partner, or taking time and space for ourselves more frequently so that we’re able to be more open and supportive within the relationship.
Asking for support can be challenging for many of us, especially for those who’s parent-figures weren’t able to ask for what they needed or enabled others’ dysfunctional habits. Driven by what we saw and experienced in our earliest relationships, we may continue to embody the same dysfunctional habits today. Those of us who routinely feel compelled to step in to help a friend in their latest self-created crisis, make excuses to cover up a partner’s lies, or placate a parent in order to avoid an explosive reaction are enabling others to continue their patterns of harmful or self-destructive behaviors. Though we may think we’re acting compassionately or even supportively, we’re really allowing ourselves and others to stay stuck in dysfunctional cycles, often at both of our physical or emotional expenses.
When we’re empowered, we don’t let others treat us any way they choose. We feel safe and secure enough to leave the room or take the space we need without worrying about whether it will cause a break in our connection. We trust the security of our bond, knowing that the relationship can and will survive natural conflict. And if the conflict or relationship itself ever becomes threatening, we trust our ability to remove ourselves and find our way to safety, even when it means involving social services or law enforcement. Though we are personally never responsible for abusive or violating behaviors, it is our responsibility to identify when our limits have been crossed and seek safety accordingly.
Our goal with empowerment consciousness is to learn to support the uniqueness in others and their different ways of being while taking time to ensure that our own boundaries aren’t overstepped or we’re not contributing to others’ harmful behaviors. The next time a loved one calls or texts in need of emotional support and you’re going through something stressful or difficult yourself, remember to pause before immediately offering your support. Sometimes the most loving thing you may be able to do is use your remaining resources to support your own emotional needs, which can go a long way to preventing future resentment within your relationship.
I hope it is becoming clear to you that it is only when we become present to our own needs that we can be present to the needs of our relationships. We can start to communicate our natural need for our own self-care to others by saying something as simple as “I would love to be able to support you right now, but I am going through something myself, so I have few emotional resources available. I’ll check in with you in a few hours/days, when I can be more fully present and able to be there for you.”
Remember this the next time you witness yourself becoming dysregulated by a text you receive from a friend, for example, about how your relationship is impacting them or a partner discloses their infidelity in a past relationship—you can pause before reacting, whether you feel upset with their actions or overwhelmed by your emotions. By taking a pause, you can then recognize the vulnerability it may have taken for your loved one to share the information while also recognizing the emotional impact it has on you. To avoid future upset, the most loving thing you may be able to do for both of you is give yourself the time to process and figure out how you feel before responding. You can communicate this need for time and space by saying something as simple as “I appreciate your sharing [insert something personal about their share] and can imagine that it may not have been easy for you to do so. I am having something come up for me that I’ll need some time to process and would be grateful to have the opportunity to share it with you later, if you’re open to it.”
Despite what your conditioned mind may tell you, you don’t need to have a “valid” or “warranted” reason to take time or space for yourself, whether pausing before you respond or pursuing your own creativity, passions, or purpose. Wanting to remain in a balanced, productive, or creative space within yourself will only help you better show up to connect with and support others within your relationships. I try to practice this by holding space for myself not only when others are in a good mood but also when a loved one is upset, stressed, or shut down for whatever reason. Remaining grounded in my own emotional space is not selfish but actually enables me to offer them more compassionate and empathetic support within our relationship.
Focusing on building and maintaining a healthy, interdependent emotional connection will inevitably decrease resentment within our relationships. We will feel more secure in our connections and expand our ability to feel loved beyond more limited gestures of affection. And we will create lasting change by making new choices whenever we notice we’re reenacting the conditioned habits of our past.
ARE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS EMPOWERED OR DISEMPOWERED?
Take a look at the disempowered versus empowered relationship chart as you spend time witnessing yourself and interactions with others. This exploratory exercise can help you identify habitual patterns in your various relationships.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS
Just because we shouldn’t exclusively depend on others to meet our needs or to take away our painful emotions doesn’t mean we shouldn’t acknowledge and communicate our needs and ask for emotional support when necessary. Becoming more consciously aware of our emotional needs allows us to build a feeling of ownership over our life experiences. This empowered state helps us realize that we have more agency in life and decreases our tendency to blame others or our life circumstances. As we take responsibility for and share our various emotional experiences, we do our part to cultivate emotional intimacy. And when we, and others, feel safe, valued, and loved within our relationships, we’re able to vulnerably ask for the support and reassurance we need.
As you become more aware of the different ways some (or all) of your needs are not being met in your different relationships, it will be helpful to take a moment to explore the questions here.
DISEMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP
EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP
We rely on each other to make us happy and to meet most, if not all, of the other person’s needs and wants without directly communicating what they are.
We are each responsible for our own happiness and practice regular acts of self-care to ensure that our needs are met, directly communicating what we need and want.
We don’t set or uphold boundaries, often ignoring or enabling unacceptable or dysfunctional behaviors (sometimes seeing them as punishment or something we deserve).
