The fastest I’ve ever run was when I was trying to get back to Ermengarde before Abra completed the ritual that gave Farin complete control over Nox’s body.
Even then, I wasn’t fast enough.
Now I have three days to get from Rivre to Meranthi.
The distance itself would be problematic on its own. Combine that with the fact that I can only travel at night, and it’s improbable I’ll make it.
Then there’s the complication of the Sahli.
I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to running. Never really did much of it when I was human. Something tells me miles and miles of sand aren’t exactly the most conducive medium for speed.
Or endurance, now that I think of it.
I’ll never make it. Piper’s right about that, and shrugging off her concern doesn’t make it any less true.
It doesn’t have to be this way, says a voice, one that’s all too familiar, even when it shouldn’t be. Even when I never actually heard it back when it dwelled inside me. The parasite skitters inside the black adamant box I keep looped to my belt, tucked underneath my tunic, not because I want it close to my skin, but because I don’t want to have to look at it. Piper’s offered to carry it for me several times after seeing what it does to me to have it so close, but I can’t bring myself to let it out of my sight. There’s something about the feeling of the cold ancient metal against my skin that comforts me, reminds me that the parasite is still trapped, that it hasn’t found someone to let it out.
You don’t have to be a slave to the night, you know, it says again, its voice slippery against the inside of my skull.
“There’s not a way to make this thing soundproof, is there?” I ask no one in particular.
Piper shoots me a concerned glance, but she shakes her head all the same. She’s used to the parasite talking to me at this point, though I think it makes her uncomfortable.
That’s fair.
I could help you. You and me, we could be whoever you want to be. I could give you a new body, one not cursed like yours is.
I’m not entirely sure that’s true, and as much as I’d love to walk in the sun again, to be free of this cursed body, I’m not an idiot.
Well, I suppose I’m kind of an idiot.
But I’m not that much of an idiot.
“Shouldn’t you be afraid of what I might do to you, if I absorbed you?” I ask it, ignoring the way Piper wriggles in her cot, like she’s trying not to listen in but can’t help that she has excellent hearing.
You’re right. Your powers now might very well allow you to absorb me. Makes it seem like a good deal on your end. Just think of what you could use me for. A new body. Maybe even one Nox isn’t cursed not to love. Who knows? Besides, don’t you still want children one day? A new body could be useful for that as well.
No. I snap the door shut on my mind, the sliver of hope the parasite has managed to wedge between the window and its sill.
My chest aches.
It’s not that I haven’t considered that I won’t be able to have children in this body.
It’s that this seems to be the only reasonable conclusion, and the moment I realized that, I figured there was no use thinking about it any longer.
Since when has pretending gotten me anywhere useful, anyway?
Besides, I don’t deserve that luxury. Not after I took Erida, the little girl from the desecrated village, from her mother’s arms, still clinging to her child in death.
I might not have burned down Erida’s cottage, but I opened the Rip, freeing the monsters that demolished her village, crushing the girl under the weight of her childhood home.
So no. I don’t let myself think about not being able to have children.
Not when I’ve bereaved other parents of theirs.
Still, I know the parasite is less than convinced that my vampirism will allow me the power to absorb it like the fae can absorb the old magic. If it had any question in its mind, it wouldn’t be offering, now would it?
But I allow my mind to wander—just for a moment—letting it stretch its legs out from under the tight leash I’ve kept wound around it.
One last time, I let my mind slip into a world of pretend. A reality I’m aware is out of my grasp. One where the parasite lets me choose my body, and instead of turning me into Cinderella, it just lets me be me. But the me before I died. Or possibly even the me I never was, but would have been if it hadn’t been for Clarissa and Derek and Abra and Madame LeFleur.
In this world, the one that doesn’t exist, I’m the type of woman Nox is capable of loving. The type of woman he doesn’t leave.
I know this world can’t be real, because in this world, he’s not a vampire either, and the two of us have children, just like the dream I used to have…
It’s not real, and I know it’s not real, but the image is so intoxicating, I can’t help but drink.
In the morning, I’ll deal with the hangover of it all, the emptiness in my chest after coveting a life that’s not meant for me.
But for now, I let myself dream.
And when Piper’s breathing becomes shallow and even, her body succumbing to sleep, I keep dreaming.
Even as I pack my bags and whisper a goodbye into the night.
I tug on the bond in my heart, but as always, there’s no one on the other end.
I send the goodbye anyway.
