Instantly, he slips his arm around my waist, melding my body with his as warmth radiates off of him and into me.
My whole body is tingling from head to toe, and I know this is a horrible idea, one that will leave me with only bits of a memory that will fade every day once Nox is gone. If we survive tomorrow, that is.
But for now, it feels so nice to be held by him.
His fingers begin tracing patterns into my waist, and I find I can’t breathe.
“Nox,” I say, and it’s meant as a rebuke, but my traitorous voice makes it sound like more of an invitation.
“Blaise.” I can feel his lips grin as they brush my ear.
And now it’s not just me that’s on fire, but the bond too, the one we sutured into place, finally completed when we shared one another’s blood.
And it’s taut and immovable and permanent, and it’s going to be the thing that kills me slowly in the end.
It takes all the willpower in my body, more than I even knew I had, to wrench myself from Nox’s arms and fling myself to the other side of the room, my butt plastered to the bed as I clutch the frame of it with my fingertips.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I say, still trying to catch my breath. But it’s getting more difficult now.
Nox pulls the blankets off of himself, sitting straight up to face me. “You can’t what?”
“I can’t be with you. Like this. Right now. Ever,” I say, even though that last word pierces my heart, even in the way it makes Nox flinch. “Nox, you’re all I want. You know that. You have to know that. I handed the world over for you. There’s nothing I want more than to…” My eyes trail his body. “No, that’s not true. I want you, Nox. But I want you forever, not just for tonight. And I can’t…I won’t…” I have to dig my fingers into the mattress to steady myself, but my fingernails rip through the fabric, something I’ll have to make up to Bezzie. “I can’t be this person anymore, Nox.”
He frowns, and I can tell he isn’t following.
“I can’t be someone who throws herself at anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention. I can’t be the girl who ignores the sirens in the back of her mind, the voices telling her she deserves something better than to be held for a moment. Tonight will never be enough for me, Nox. As much as I want it, I need to be loved. Not just wanted. And I’ve spent my whole life thinking that’s what’s going to fix me. I thought that if only Evander loved me back, that would somehow fix what was broken inside of me. Even with Derek…But I’ve been so convinced that males could fix me, I’ve been all too willing to take anything I can get. So much less than—well, I don’t even know that I deserve more—but less than I’m willing to accept. I don’t want less than.” I breathe out. Slowly.
“And I can’t do it anymore, Nox. I’m sorry, and I love you. So much more than you could imagine. But I have to have more respect for myself than this.”
Nox stands to his feet, slowly, his fists shaking at his side.
And I know I should leave, break through the locked door and put myself out in the open in front of the others, because if Nox takes one more step toward me, I’m not sure I’ll have the strength to resist him a second time. I’ve already used up all my resolve putting these few feet between us.
I’m spent, and if Nox so desires, I think I’ll let him bankrupt me.
“Please,” is all I have left in me to say.
Nox disregards my plea, and I know I’m done for.
He doesn’t touch me. But he approaches me all the same.
“Blaise. I’m…I’m so sorry.”
It’s then that my heart officially cracks, because it’s the confirmation of what I’ve feared, what I should have known from the beginning.
Nox might desire my body, but he doesn’t love me, and he never will.
I shouldn’t, but I meet his gaze, and his pale ice-blue eyes are melting with sorrow, and I think I might drown in the pain as I hold my breath to stop my sobs from escaping.
He doesn’t love me he doesn’t love me he doesn’t love me.
It’s the type of thing I feel I won’t survive, though I know I should be stronger than that.
I stare at my hands, twiddling my thumbs like I think if I can keep them occupied long enough, I can prevent them from roaming Nox’s body.
His finger slides under my chin, lifting my face to look at him.
“I’m so sorry,” he says again, but this time he’s not done, “that I wasn’t clearer about my intentions.”
My heart stutters, but I don’t have the energy to stop him.
“I thought I made it clear, Blaise, when I offered the bloodsharing ritual to you again.” He runs his other hand through his hair. “I see now how stupid that was of me. Of course, you’d just see that as something done out of lust. I’m realizing now I should have picked something less…passionate.” His pale cheeks twinge red at that, making my chest flutter. “But Blaise, listen to me. I didn’t initiate the bloodsharing ritual with you in a fit of passion. It wasn’t unintentional, at least not on my part. I’m sorry…I’m sorry if it was for you. I never meant to rope you into it if it wasn’t something you truly wanted.” He bites the inside of his cheek, like he can’t bear to ask me whether that’s true. “I just…I had time to think when I was chasing you down in the desert. About all you’ve done, all you’ve given up for me. And I remembered falling for you, even if I couldn’t access the feelings—I remembered the why. Then when I found you, and the Fates had spared you, I knew I’d be an idiot not to give my everything to you. And that’s what it is, the bloodsharing ritual, to me, at least. I realize now that might not be what it is to you. I probably should have actually said that…” He smiles a bit, though it’s the type that tells me he’s beating himself up.
“It’s not that I don’t want it,” I say. “It’s just that I want something I can’t have. And I don’t want you to feel some duty to me, like you have to bind yourself to me when your heart isn’t in it.”
He frowns, but then he smiles, and there’s something wry about it.
“Since when can we not put our heart into duty, Blaise?”
I bristle. “It’s not exactly the most romantic notion in the world.”
Nox sighs, then sits next to me, his thigh brushing against mine and lingering there, making it difficult to focus. “I’m sorry I left you, Blaise. I don’t deserve to even be in this room with you. Don’t deserve for you to let me be this close to you.”
I shrug. “It’s not your fault you don’t love me anymore. That you never can. It’s not even the Old Magic’s. It’s mine. I brought this upon myself.”
Nox frowns. His hand goes to his pocket, and his forehead furrows, like he can’t quite make a decision.
“You’re wrong, you know,” he says.
