Something bulges in my throat. “I don’t think any of us do, but we can’t just sit around and ignore that the world is on the brink of falling apart.”
Kiran forces his eyes shut. “I don’t want to ignore it. I just don’t want you getting caught up in the middle of it.”
I sigh, then plop down on the bed, folding my hands in my lap. “I don’t know that we have much of a choice about whether I’m in the middle of this.”
Kiran’s countenance falls from anger into something more desperate. “So you do want to go?”
“Want seems like a bit of a stretch. But I think I should go.”
We remain in silence for a moment, the only sound Kiran’s heavy breathing. “You didn’t say anything in the library.”
I arch a brow. “Do I need to express my opinions in front of everyone for them to be valid?”
Kiran shakes his head, running his hand through his hair. “That’s not what I meant. I mean…” He swallows, and it looks as though it pains him. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
I frown, watching my husband’s features closely. The way his jaw has seemed permanently clenched since he returned from Othian. The worry constantly simmering in his amber eyes. He looks desperate for an answer, and it takes me a moment to recognize what he’s looking for, what he’s so terrified of.
Oh.
“You think that’s why I didn’t offer to go to the Rip? Because I feel like you control me? Because I feel like I don’t have a voice?”
Kiran balls his fists. “It’s how my father treated my mother. It’s how he trained me to treat women. I…” He stares down at his hands. “I have this power I still can’t always seem to control. Blaise might have had a point.”
The sight of Kiran watching his palms like that breaks my heart, so I take my husband’s hand. “I like Blaise. I pity Blaise. But Blaise has survived her entire life by learning to manipulate others. Forgive me if I don’t appreciate her trying to control me by making me believe that I’m being controlled.”
Kiran shrugs, chuckling, though it’s somewhat pained. “She’s frighteningly good at that.”
I grin. “Not that good. It’s not that I don’t feel I have a voice—the right to my own thoughts. But I think this is the sort of thing that should be decided in private. And I don’t appreciate Blaise trying to force my hand in a public conversation, before we’ve even had the chance to talk about it. Before we’ve heard each other out.”
Kiran shakes his head, leaning against the desk, his weight causing it to scrape against the wood flooring. “Where did you come from?” he asks, nothing but pure adoration in his eyes.
“A windowless hovel, if you must know.”
“You trust me? That I’m not trying to control you?”
“You have the ability to alter my feelings. If you wanted to control me, you could. I’ve doubted you before, thought you were controlling me. We figured it out, but my doubts hurt our relationship, and I don’t intend on being manipulated again. I know you worry when your feelings slip out of you occasionally, but that’s exactly why I think it’s important that we don’t feel pressured to decide anything during an intense discussion with our friends.”
He swallows. “You want to go, don’t you? To the Rip? I could see your self-sacrificing, lack of self-preservation wheels turning.”
I let out a partially offended huff, but smile nonetheless. “I could make sure it stays closed. Or, if we’re too late, I could close it back.”
“If we send the others to get Piper before then, that wouldn’t be necessary.”
“It still is. Abra will have the power to open the Rip by the next full moon, regardless.”
Kiran shakes his head. “It doesn’t make sense. Abra has had the parasite for months. A full moon has passed since then. More than one, even. If she wanted the Rip open, why not do it then? Why bother taking Piper at all?”
Something squirms in my gut. The fear I’ve had since Lydia returned.
“What if she didn’t realize the Rip could be used to bring Farin back until recently? What if someone else put that idea in her head?”
Kiran frowns, rubbing his chin. “Someone like….” He pales. “Az. Of course.” He turns to me again. “If you’re trying to convince me it’s a good idea for you to get anywhere near that Rip, you’re doing a poor job of it.”
“By now, I’d have expected you to have more faith in my argumentation skills.”
“I do. Frankly, that’s why I’m a tad shocked.”
“He wants the Rip open, Kiran. We can’t let that happen. I don’t know what he’s planning. I don’t know what he thinks he’ll get out of it, but at this point he’s had years to plan whatever it is, and I’m so…”
My throat constricts, my gut swirling with nausea.
Kiran pushes himself off of the desk and approaches me from behind, wrapping me in his arms as he spins me to face him. In a moment, his warmth overcomes me, thawing my skin and soothing my heart. He allows the fear to remain, however. He doesn’t take that from me.
“You’re still having the nightmares, aren’t you?”
I nod, melting into his embrace.
“I know you fear what will happen if Az uses Piper to open the Rip. But do you know what I fear? That if we travel to the Rip, we’re playing right into Az’s hand. That he doesn’t want Piper to open it at all. He wants you. He’s always wanted you, Asha. Just on his own terms, in his own sick way. I can’t help but imagine he’ll find a symmetry to it, if he can force your hand.”
I shake my head. “You know I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t open the Rip for him. He’d have to kill me first.”
Kiran goes still behind me. “That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”
We can’t let him open it. We can’t let it happen, my magic whispers deep inside me. In my gut, I know he’s right.
“I have a responsibility, Kiran. I have the power to keep this world safe. I can’t stand by and allow Az to unleash those beasts upon this world.”
“I know you can’t,” he whispers, his warm breath rustling my hair as we sway. In the distance, out the window, the crescent moon shines down on us, holding out for our decision.
