@TheThird: Wait. I know this guy.
@SexyLady: No, I know him.
@SexierLady: No, I dated him.
I stomp like Rumpelstiltskin.
No!
My hair is on fire, my blood heats to a thousand degrees of fury. I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe this happened. I can’t believe . . . oh shit.
I can’t believe the next comment.
@TheThird: I’m pretty sure it’s Oliver Harris the twelfth. He came with Summer to my wedding. I gave out very nice pens. I’m not surprised they split though. He seemed like a bit of a playboy, truth be told. Also, my pens were cool.
Screw one thousand degrees. I am an inferno, and I want to throw balls of fire at my very douchey ex Drew.
Because his comment is all it takes.
What started as the funniest thing I ever wrote speeds straight into an epic dumpster fire.
@ManCandyFan: Oliver! Oh, he’s hawt.
@LovesListsofMen: That British lawyer? The one who looks like Tom Ellis and Chris Hemsworth had a love child and Harry Styles donated his hair to their baby?
@GossipLover1andOnly: Yes, the one on New York’s Most Eligible Bachelors list.
@ManCandyFan: The one who dated that heiress? Chantal. And some TV actress. That dude gets around.
@CheetahNoah: I hope he gets around! I’m doing a corporate scavenger hunt, and one of the things we have to find is a picture of an internet celebrity in the wild! If I can find HIM, I’m golden.
@MenAreJerks: I bet you’ll find him being a douche.
@PeopleAreJerks: He does look like a douche too. And I mean that in the best way possible.
@ILoveJerks: Right? Jerks are sooo hot. Why are jerks so hot? I don’t even know. They just are.
@ILoveCockyJackholes: OMG, yes. So much yes. There is just something about a jackass that I love.
@DownwithDouches: And look at this picture of him. He’s posing like a freaking model, with his top button undone, his hand in his hair, like he thinks he’s the hottest thing ever.
@ILoveJerks: Well, he is. I mean, my God. That jawline. That’s, like, the kind of jawline you use to measure hottest jawlines ever.
@MenAreJerks: That’s not a thing—hottest jawline ever is so not a thing.
@ILoveCockyJackholes: Well, it should be.
@FanofNietzsche: Jerks always get the good genes. It’s the universe’s way of reminding us that nihilism is alive and well.
@QuestionEverything22: So now this is a philosophical movement?
@DownwithDouches: Let’s start a movement to stop assholes.
@HZRedhead: Yes, I concur. I dated him once. I went to his apartment to bring him tea. Wasn’t that sweet of me? And he didn’t even have the courtesy to come downstairs and break my heart in person. I was in love with him. IN LOVE. MAD, CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL LOVE. Instead, he sent his new girlfriend to tell me. This man is the patron saint of asshole exes, and he must be stopped.
My eyes bug out when I discover Hazel’s comment. She and Oliver dated for maybe two weeks. He ended it with her in person. And she stalked him. With tea.
“You got it all wrong, crazy pants,” I mutter at the screen.
Maybe I’m the crazy one, though, since I’m talking to my phone as I march uptown. Oh, wait. That just makes me a New Yorker. But the craziest thing of all is when I see the next email.
From an editor at The Dating Pool. And it answers a big question.
Congratulations, Summer! We loved your letter so much we published it this morning, as we planned to do with the top three finalists. If yours is selected as the winner, you’ll receive $5000 in prize money. Best of luck!
13OLIVER
This is not how my day was supposed to go. This is not how any day is supposed to go, ever.
Dragging my hand through my hair—which looks nothing like Harry Styles’s, thank you very much—I pace in my office. With my work phone pressed to my ear, I do my very best to practice one of the three skills I pride myself on.
Reassuring.
“That’s not me. I swear that’s not who I am,” I tell Geneva, who’s beside herself thanks to Twitter doing what Twitter does best.
Misinterpreting literally everything.
“But all the posts say it’s you,” Geneva insists, a brand-new worry in her voice. “All the comments, all the blogs. Hashtag ‘America’s Worst Boyfriend.’ And frankly, I don’t know if I’m comfortable doing business with someone like that.”
