But now it annoys her that he thinks this was all about him. And while he was certainly a large part of it, he was not all of it. This was bigger than him. She knows this now.
“It’s not just about you leaving,” she says. “It’s everything. It’s about the way I’ve been my entire life. I’ve been so … contained.”
“What do you mean, contained?”
“I mean, I just lived my life in such a small way,” she says. “It was too small. I was so convinced there was only one way to live my life.”
“I liked our life,” he says.
“Apparently not.”
“I was going through something, Phoebe. But I know that’s no excuse. I know I could have handled it differently.”
“Ha!” she says. “That’s one way to put it. You were awful.”
“I know.”
“You abandoned me. Christ, you don’t have to be with a person forever. But you don’t have to abandon them. You were such a coward. I’m so glad I can see that now.”
“I was a coward,” he says. “I can see that now, too.”
“I hated you,” she says. “I still sometimes hate you.”
Yet she feels glad that he tracked her down. Glad that he worried about her, glad to find out that his love did not disappear. And then she feels shame that she feels glad that a man has stalked her. Then she remembers she is not supposed to be feel shame, according to her therapist and Thyme. She is supposed to be kinder to herself, because this habit of tearing herself down every three seconds in her mind makes her feel ashamed. But at least she notices it. At least she is becoming aware of these things now.
“It would kill me if you hated me,” he says.
“I don’t actually hate you,” she says. “Not anymore. I’m feeling better now. I really am.”
“Because of that guy?”
“Don’t even begin to get jealous.”
He knows. He is ashamed about that, too. He is sorry he is jealous, sorry that he left. Sorry that he cheated on her. It was absolutely the wrong thing to do. But he felt like he was drowning and it’s no excuse, yet he didn’t know what else to do.
“Be honest?”
“I couldn’t,” he says. “After Mia and I slept together, I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I had done it. I couldn’t imagine a more horrible thing to have done after I did it.”
He had been so mad at Phoebe for being depressed and so mad at himself for being mad that his wife was depressed and also not to mention, a little depressed himself, and working so hard not to slip into that deep, dark hole with her, that by the time he found himself alone in a room with Mia, it felt like an opportunity.
“An opportunity?” she screams.
“To be a father,” he says. “To be a good partner again. I felt like I was vanishing.”
“So did I!” she yells. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
She yells it so loudly, she imagines someone might call, maybe Pauline, and maybe her father, to say, Calm down, this is too much, you are being too much. She expects her husband to walk out. But he doesn’t. When she’s done yelling, she feels calm. She feels sorry, too. She knows what it feels like to be vanishing. She can understand now what he means by opportunity. She feels it every time she looks at Gary.
“I’m so sorry,” Matt says. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“I know,” Phoebe says. “I know.”
“She made me feel alive. I just wanted to feel alive again and I didn’t know how else to do it. It’s a—”
“Terrible cliché.”
She hates to hear herself say it. She doesn’t want this thing with Gary to be a terrible cliché. She wants it to be more because it feels like it’s more. But how does she know? Her husband thought he knew. Her husband was so certain when he left her.
But now he’s here. Now he’s sorry. Why would this thing with Gary be any different?
“I understand,” she says. “I get it now.”
He comes closer to her.
“You look beautiful,” he says. “You really do.”
His compliments make her feel smaller than she felt all week. She suddenly feels like an entirely different person than the one who just put Juice to bed. In her husband’s presence, she feels like his wife again. He comes closer and touches her shoulder. She backs away.
“No,” she says. “I understand, but I don’t want that. I’m not the same person anymore.”
She looks out over the balcony to see if she can find Gary in the darkness, but she can’t.
“Neither am I,” he says. “Most days, I wake up in Mia’s house and I think, Where the fuck am I? I am here, with someone else’s child, making pancakes on someone else’s stove. A fucking electric stove that basically takes an hour to heat up. Mia and I, it’s not right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I was being selfish, and I made a mistake, and our marriage has been the only meaningful thing of my life, if I’m really being honest about it.”
“Then why didn’t you call or text or write during that whole time?” she asks.
“I felt like I couldn’t,” he says. “The break between us was so hard. So official. God, that day on Zoom. Phoebe, that was awful. I cried for hours after. But I couldn’t call you. I didn’t want to mess with your head. I didn’t even know what to say. I wanted to be sure about it when I finally spoke to you. And I’m sure.”
