“That is not true.”
She cocked her head. “No? Think about all the times in the last ten years she’s reached out to you when it was just for you. She didn’t go to your high school graduation. She didn’t go to your nursing school graduation. She forgets your birthday almost every year.”
“She’s forgetful—”
“That woman spends her life asking people what day and time they were born and she can’t remember your birthday? Come on. A thousand bucks says she remembers Neil’s birthday.”
“Well, this year will be different,” I said matter-of-factly. “She’s here. I’m sure she’ll do something nice.”
She looked back at her screen. “I hope so.”
“And she couldn’t afford the time off work for my graduations. She asked for pictures—”
“To show people. Because it doesn’t fit the narrative that she’s a loving and doting mother if she doesn’t even have pictures of you to show people while she’s taking credit for your accomplishments.” She looked me in the eye. “We’ve been staying in the cottage for the last three weeks, literally across the way, and how many times has she come to see you there? Had Neil drop her off during one of their many sunset cruises? That would be zero. Everything Amber does is for Amber.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I said, my tone more clipped than I liked.
“Because you have this thing where you always believe the best in people—especially with her. It shouldn’t surprise you that she continues to be disappointing, yet again, but it always does and I’m sick of seeing you get hurt. You need to lower your expectations waaaaaay down. The bar is on the floor and she’ll bring a shovel, every time. The sooner you realize that, the happier you’ll be.”
I looked away from her and stared through the monitor in front of me, my nostrils flaring. I wanted to snap at her. I wanted to tell her to be quiet and to stop making things up.
Only she wasn’t making it up.
Maddy was right. I was an afterthought to my mother.
I don’t even know why it surprised me. I’d been taught this lesson a thousand times. But it wasn’t the slight that hurt. It was the loss of hope.
When I was little, there had been a time I was her whole universe. But the older I got, the less interested she seemed to be in me. She left me for longer and longer, and then eventually she didn’t come back for me at all. But I never stopped waiting. I never stopped wanting to be what Neil clearly was for her. And if I wasn’t now, then I never would be.
I always thought it was a proximity thing. She traveled a lot, she changed jobs all the time, she was busy, she was dealing with whatever Amber dealt with. But now I couldn’t rationalize why nothing was different, even though she was right here.
Maddy would gladly give me her thoughts on this, but I didn’t want them because it would sound too much like I Told You So. And she had. She had told me. I just didn’t want to listen.
I felt myself start to get small, my edges drawing inward.
I could handle disappointment. My life had made me very good at it. But the kind that came from Mom hit me differently. It always had.
My chin started to quiver, and I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek. I could feel the sob welling up inside of me and I desperately, desperately wanted it to stop. I didn’t want Maddy to see me upset. If she did, she’d get protective, and Maddy in protect mode was more than I wanted to deal with.
I turned and pretended to be searching for something in a drawer so she wouldn’t see me fighting to keep it together. Then Maddy made a surprised little gasp from next to me. “Hey, Justin!”
I whipped around. Justin was there holding Chelsea and smiling at me over the counter.
“Hey,” I said, blinking at him. “What are you doing here?”
He lifted a bag onto the counter with his free hand. “I made you lunch. Wanted to surprise you,” he said, shifting his sister on his hip. “I know you said you never know when you’re getting your breaks, so I figured I’d just drop it off. I made one for you too, Maddy. Vegetarian. You don’t eat meat, right?”
I felt my face go soft, and the lump in my throat instantly vanished. “Thank you…” I breathed.
Chelsea started to wiggle to get down. “Emma! Maddy!”
I smiled and came around the counter and picked her up. She hugged my neck and I grinned. Her pigtails were crooked.
Justin saw me looking at them. “I’m still learning how to do it,” he said.
“It’s cute.”
Justin and I stood there, smiling at each other. It was so good to see him. I don’t think I realized how much I wanted to until he was in front of me.
On days that I worked, we didn’t get to talk much. We mostly texted and sent each other memes and songs we wanted each other to listen to. I was in a Justin deficit, and I hadn’t even realized it until just now.
“What are you doing today?” I asked.
“Just errands,” he said. “About to drop her off at preschool. I sent you a survey for our date tomorrow.”
“I haven’t had a chance to check my email.”
“Date number three,” he said, his dimples popping.
“Date number three.”
We held each other’s eyes for a long moment.
He nodded over his shoulder. “I should probably let you get back to work. I have to go pick up Alex and take him to a doctor’s appointment.” He paused. “Am I allowed to hug you goodbye, or…?”
“Yes! Absolutely.” I handed Chelsea to Maddy, who was waiting her turn to hold her, and I closed the space between us and hugged him.
The way he folded around me made me think maybe he was in a deficit too. The hug was a warm factory reset. I didn’t want out of it. It was the weirdest feeling, like I wanted to leave with him, just walk right out of my job and go. Those cartoons where the character smells something delicious and it puts them in a trance and they float after the scent in a daze.
