Abruptly, I stand. “I’m going to find the food cart. You need to eat.”
Before she can say anything, I unlock the door and rush out of our cabin. As I escape, I feel her hurt and bewilderment at both of us, and I sigh.
Zhuliya needs me physically because of the bond, but even before we touched one another, I knew it was a bad idea. Now she’s even more confused.
With every passing second, things become more and more complicated between the two of us, and sex will only make it worse.
And so, this can never happen again.
CHAPTER NINE
Zhuliya
The next few days pass uncomfortably. Through our bond, I feel Ilian’s guilt for imprinting on me against my will and then complicating things by having rough, dirty, perfect sex.
In return, I feel guilty, which then only feeds into Ilian’s emotions more, creating a vicious cycle that ultimately makes me want to scream.
Preferably from coming, but Ilian refuses to take the hint—or maybe he’s purposefully ignoring my attempts to seduce him.
With what I can sense from the guy, he likely assumes my insatiable hunger is caused by the bond, which he considers his fault.
Ilian has no idea that I’ve been touching myself to fantasies of him for months, and he never will because that’s one secret that can die with me.
As the food cart approaches, I ask Ilian to get me some grub before I slip out to use the restroom. The train is nice, albeit a little chilly. Of course, Ilian thinks it’s too warm, but I imagine with all his fur, he overheats easily.
Definitely made for Siberian winters.
Normally, the cold doesn’t bother me, but it seems ever since I got my tattoo, I’m more susceptible to it.
Maybe I should ask Ilian—
I bump into someone because I’m so lost in my thoughts. It’s an older woman, wearing the familiar kamzul that my ima dressed in.
My basic Tatar is rusty, but I attempt an apology. The woman grins broadly, her teeth a startling white against her tanned and wrinkled face.
She rattles off something I have no prayer of understanding, and I switch to Russian, explaining myself and my background.
“Ah, I see, my sweet child. Have you ever been to Kazan?”
“No, but my ima spoke of it fondly.”
“You must go. It is your homeland just as much as this is.” She sweeps a hand at the swiftly passing terrain.
“I’ll think about it. It’s hard with my parents both being gone. I wish…I wish we could’ve seen it together.”
“They are still with you, here.”
She takes my hand and presses it to my heart. We stand there, swaying with the lull of the train while I try not to cry.
Too much has happened in such a short time, and this woman’s kind words nearly undo me. They’re a reminder that no matter what, I always have my ata and ima with me.
I give her a tremulous smile, but the moment is broken when someone yells, “Hey!”
We both whip around at the harsh voice to find a train conductor stomping toward us. “Your kind isn’t welcome here!”
I gasp at his words, spit so venomously at the sweet, old lady. “Excuse me?! She has every right to be here! Just because she’s Jewish—”
The conductor glares. “She’s a stowaway with no ticket to show me! I don’t care that she’s Jewish, but I do mind that she didn’t pay!”
“Oh.” All the righteous anger flows out, leaving me a bit deflated. I reach into my handbag to grab my wallet. “Here, is this enough to cover her ride?”
I purposely hand him twice the amount of the cost of my ticket in American bills instead of rubles.
The glare melts off the conductor’s face as he takes the blatant bribe. With a tip of his hat, he strides away without another word.
“Thank you, dear. That was very kind of you.”
“It was nothing, truly. Kindness is free, so people don’t have a reason not to practice it.”
“Perhaps, but the money you gave him means it wasn’t free, and I appreciate it. I’m off to visit family but am low on funds. I snuck on the train.”
She doesn’t look an ounce repentant, and I can’t help but chuckle at her honesty. “Would you like to come back to my cabin and eat with me and my…friend?”
“Oh no, I don’t want to impose. It’s alright, but I appreciate the offer. Another passenger on their way to where I’m going has been keeping me company as well as sharing his bread.”
“Are you sure? I can give you some money—”
