released his wife's lips, paid the fare, and escorted her back to his rooms, ringing for a bath.
Soon a portable tub filled with steaming water and Epsom salt filled up
nearly all the available space in the sitting room, awaiting Katerina's sore body.
All the furniture had been shoved into the corners to make room for the supposedly portable slipper bath, and the curl of lilac-scented steam coiled itself
around her, making her shiver. She could hardly wait, but her borrowed dress had complicated fastenings, and she needed another set of hands to open them.
Christopher, naturally, looked delighted at the thought of undressing her again.
“You know,” he told her, looking at the tub, “I would love to share a bath with you.”
She considered the possibilities, and her cheeks began to burn. “Is that
done?”
“Certainly, if you want,” he replied, unflustered by the intimate thing he was
requesting.
“I don't know.” Her dithering was wasting the heat, but what could she say?
He seemed to sense her discomfort. “Tell the truth. Do you want me to be here, or do you want some privacy?”
She closed her eyes. “Privacy,” she more mouthed than said.
He nodded, a little crestfallen but neither angry nor surprised. “That's fine, I'll wait in the bedroom. You enjoy your bath. I'm so proud of you for saying what you want.” He kissed her gently and left her in peace.
Thank the Lord he's gone. At last, she could do what she needed. Stripping
off her borrowed chemise, she sank into the water. The salt stung on her cuts, but
it also soothed her bruises and knots and the dainty injury her husband had inflicted between her legs.
As the pain and tension faded, her body relaxed, and it was a powerful
relaxation the likes of which she could scarcely remember ever feeling before.
She began, in some small part of herself, to understand what safe meant. Safe.
Without warning the cry that had been threatening for the last several hours
breached her defenses and she sobbed. It felt marvelous to release it.
“Kat?” Christopher knocked on the door, “are you all right? Do you need
anything?”
Do I want his soothing?
No. I want to work through this alone. “No, thank you,” she called back in a wavery voice. “Nothing.”
“Let me know if you change your mind, you promise?”
“Yes.”
He left her alone. Finally. I don't know how much longer I could have held
on. With a relieved groan, she sank into the water until only her face remained above the surface and let herself cry. Giving herself over to the power of her raw
emotions, she allowed the overwhelming whirlwind of grief, fear, sorrow and confusion roll over her. It wasn't enough to fix her for good, but it was enough
for today. Long minutes she gave to the catharsis until she felt… washed clean.
I'm embarking on a new life with new opportunities. I can make myself intowhatever I want to be, learn new reactions and new habits.
The startling revelation brought a watery smile to her lips. For a decade she
had lived like an animal, reacting, hiding, trying to avoid being noticed. She had
not lived, merely survived as best she could, but that was no longer necessary.
I am not a mouse or a rabbit, I am a woman, and I have the potential tothink, to observe, and to choose my actions and behaviors. Self-awareness dawned like sunrise, bringing hope, a hope she had never expected. She could be
more than a frightened animal. I can be Katerina, whoever that is, Mrs.
Christopher Bennett…a whole new identity. She could tell her mother-in-law she didn't want a party, she could request something that suited her, or she could compromise. She could choose something uncomfortable to please others, but
