“When you said that I couldn’t help but love you, you seemed very sure of yourself.”
“Eric, time has taught me much about myself. I know that you had no control over your reactions. If you did, you wouldn’t be here now. You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last. I live with this sadness always, orbited by sad-faced men.”
He didn’t want to listen to her. What he wanted was to sweep her into his arms and crush her to him, to hold her more tightly than he had held anything in his life. Not yet, though. The time was hardly right. Although she seemed perfectly in control he didn’t want to do anything to alarm her, to make her summon the help he was sure must be close at hand … if not already on its way.
“I don’t mind not being the first. Meeting you now, I can see how impossible that would be. But I’d like to be the last.”
“That’s not possible either.”
“You could love me. You could.” Then he did take her in his arms, lifting her gently off the floor with a strength he didn’t know he possessed. He moved very quickly.
She was surprised if not shocked. “Please put me down.”
“I’m sorry.” He let her down, turned away. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I’ve been working very hard ever since you let me in not to startle you.”
“I’m not startled,” she said, and then she smiled deliciously. “No, that’s a lie. I am startled. You don’t look that strong. Not that I’m any heavyweight.”
“I seem to surprise myself here lately,” he murmured. His eyes rose to meet hers again. “I’ve come all the way across the country to meet you, Lisa.”
“I’ve had men come from off-world to see me.” By her tone he could tell she took no pride in the achievement. “What’s surprising is that you’ve managed to confront me in my own home instead of on the street or in an office.” She cocked her head sideways, tried to see past the surface of the man standing before her. She looked like a dusky little sparrow, he thought, as she stood there arguing with herself.
“You’re a very peculiar man, Mr. Abb—Eric. Intriguing. That’s not unusual. Most of the men who become infatuated with me are intriguing. But they’re also very predictable, they don’t surprise me. You surprise me.”
Predictable, Eric mused. That certainly didn’t fit the Eric Abbott of the past week. He’d been anything but predictable.
“You want to hear something strange,” she said into the silence that ensued. Each word hit him like an axe. “It’s absurd, of course, but I think I might—could—come to love you. That would be more than surprising. It would be truly remarkable.” She turned away from him and walked to stand before the curved window that overlooked the river. It was a cloudy day. Colligatarch Weather had forecast a light rain for the mid-Atlantic region.
He followed, and when he let his hands rest gently on her shoulders, she didn’t resist. She didn’t fall back against him, didn’t sigh luxuriously, but she didn’t resist. He fought to keep control of himself.
“If you think it possible, why not let it happen?”
“I didn’t say it was possible.” She sounded confused and upset. “I just said it was something that could happen. It’s really not possible. I’m not allowed to love. It’s forbidden to me.” She turned against his hands, looked up at him, and for the first time her fragile assurance showed signs of cracking. For the first time the real Lisa Tambor looked out at him through luminous, pleading eyes.
“I’m trying to make you understand something, Eric. Love is forbidden to me. I could go to bed with you. I think I’d like to go to bed with you. That kind of love is quick and mechanical and tenuous. But the kind of love you’re talking about is something I can’t experience.”
“He said he thought you might belong to someone,” Eric found himself mumbling.
“What? Who said that?”
“An … acquaintance. It doesn’t matter now. Do you belong to someone? Are you married?”
She shook her head. “No. That’s something else that’s not permitted me.” She seemed sadder than ever.
“Are you trying to tell me you’re being kept by a man who doesn’t love you?”
“No man keeps me, Eric. The men I dally with are chosen for me. I have no say in the matter.” She gave him a twisted smile. “It’s my job.”
No, Eric told himself. He was not naive, but it wasn’t possible. She was too fresh, too clean to be part and party to that business. “You’re not a rich man’s mistress, then?”
“No.”
“Some kind of call girl?” He didn’t care if she was, but he needed to know.
Her answer surprised him. “No, not that either. It’s nothing like what you imagine.”
“What else do you call it when a third party arranges your lovers for you?”
“It’s not a question of money, Eric. I do it for … I can’t tell you.”
“You said it was your job!” He didn’t mean to sound so sharp, and hurried to soften the words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound like that. I’m just trying to understand.”
“I’m not offended. I said it, not you. It’s nothing I’m ashamed of. My work is important. But it eliminates the possibility of any lasting relationship with any one man. You must see that.”
“I see only you, the woman I think I love very deeply.”
“Don’t talk like that,” she said angrily, spinning out of his arms. “Don’t say things like that to me! It’s not possible, won’t you listen? Not for me and not for you.”
“You said your work was important,” he said softly, trying another tack. “I don’t understand. Important to whom? To the man or men who force these liaisons on you? That I could understand.”
“They’re not exactly forced on me. It’s …”
“I know, it’s your job. Did you choose it, this job?”
She didn’t meet his gaze. “In a way.”
“Would you like to quit?”
“I don’t know. I never thought of that.”
